My Life

I confessed…

The last two days have been a fucking roller coaster. I cancelled everything for Army this weekend then last night I was looking through my CC bill and saw a charge for $515 from Holiday Inn. I called them and they were like “The room was non-refundable”. So they billed me the FULL AMOUNT to cancel! I asked them to re-instate the room so now I have to go spend the weekend in SF with Army. I’m just hoping I don’t show up and they bill me AGAIN!!!

I also txted Calvin, “If you ever get married, please invite me to the wedding” which let to a converstaion and then this today:

“Just a lot happening, Been courting this guy for like 2 years and it’s been very complicated and on again off again… His “love language” (remember that book 😛) is gifts, so I’ve spent a lot of money on him. This week we finally had a serious talk and he says he has no interest in me. But now we have to go to vietnam together and I’ve already agreed to let him live with me for this summer. SO it’s gonna be super awk/annoying to have him around. I feel like he’s just been using me for the past two years to get what he wants. Plus other stuff, I regret us breaking up still and it hurts me a lot that you are dating will, TBH. That’s the equivalent me going off and dating hut after we broke up. BUUT. I want you to be happy too and hopefully he is doing that for you and that’s why I said the thing about you getting married cause I want to be there for you if something like that happens for you.”

He replied but completely skipped over the part about him and will, etc.

Today I’ve just been so out of it and we’re having a major issue at work.. I wrote a long letter to Army to send to him tomorrow morning. I hope he will read it.

I hope you’re well and have had a great week back in Iowa with your friends and family. I’m excited to see you tonight (Saturday) and I hope that we can be friends and have a great summer. As you know, I care about you a lot and I want to see you succeed in life and be happy. I want to be here to help you and offer whatever guidance I can over this summer. As I said though, this is going to be very difficult for me, so please be patient with me this summer and let’s try to keep an open and honest communication dialog. If you need space, please speak up and let me know. If i need space, I’ll let you know. Going quiet or getting angry at each other is not going to be healthy. I know you said you like to “just sleep it off”, but in the long term that doesn’t help, you will build up resentment and anger and it will explode at some point.

I want this summer to be amazing for the both of us, I know you said you just need to get away from Iowa and I want to provide a safe place for you to explore and get your feet on the ground in this critical time in your life. I hope that you and I can share some great experience this summer and share some great memories, as I said I have a lot of stuff I wanted to do with you this summer. I know now that nothing will happen between us and I accept that. But I want to look back on this summer and say, “Randy’s a great guy and I had an amazing time getting to know him and sharing my summer with him”. I want our trip to Vietnam to be a lifetime experience and I’m so excited to be going with you.

With that said, I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page. I’m not going to pay for everything this summer, I’m not going to be your sugar daddy or treat you like I’m courting you or dating you. I’ll gladly pay for things here and there and I hope you’ll appreciate it. But in the overall sense, I’m going to treat you as my “friend”.

Lastly, I found some interesting articles about the attachment styles that we talked about. I honestly do think that you (and I) will learn a lot from them. I’ve been trying to change myself in this sense for a couple months now and I have a long way to go. I hope that you’ll read these and maybe learn something, it shouldn’t take more then an hour to read all of them. With you going to therapy, I hope you’re open to these ideas. If not, please just ignore them.

See you tonight and let’s have an amazing summer together…

(I put them in order)

The Fearful/Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style (this is the one you tested as)

Understanding the Needs of the Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style

The Difference Between Having a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style and Being Fearful of Relationships

5 Common Thought Traps Faced by the Avoidant Attachment Style

Getting Off the Roller-Coaster: Breaking Out of the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle

Last one is me, I’m sending this to you because even in “friendship” some of these things apply and I hope that it will help us be better this summer and not want to kill each other:

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