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My Life

I know I can treat you better

What’s wrong with me. Why don’t you like me? I can treat you so well.

This past weekend was amazing. Saturday I headed out to SF and met up with Darin, we put together his stuff at his house, walked around the city a bit, checked into the hotel. Got dinner. Then Daring was tired so I walked him home. I had a quick date after that, the guy was nice but laughed a lot and was super AWK. I asked him back to my hotel to watch a movie which we did (Snatched) but he like sat on the far end of the bed while watching it.

Picked up Army at 1am and we had a bit of a tiff right away. He mentioned how much cash he was bringing and I said “I have $2k, you think that’s enough” he replied “well that’s your judgement”. I got a bit annoyed with him but _I_ at least talked it out and I think he understood where I was coming from. He semi-appologized for it on Monday morning.

Sunday we slept in a bit late, got up and went to Carnival. Walked around there but it was sort of boring and then went to lunch. Ate at a nice little place and walked to Dolores park, sat and talked then from there we went to Q Bar and had some drinks. We had an interesting talk there about him, sex, relationships. Basically he was just asking me for advice about stuff. I dunno if he accepted it or what. Again we had a good chat there. He got picked up by two guys who wanted him to go to the bathroom to eat his ass out.

WTF. No one ever picks me up.

From there we went back to hotel, changed and went to the dinner cruise. That again was a lot of fun, we chatted we laughed, we took pictures on the deck with the city. I mean considering we were there for 3 hours and we chatted the whole time, laughed. I don’t get how he can say “no connection”.

Back to hotel again, changed into going out clothes. Kevin (FOB Vietnam) was supposed to meet us at the hotel but said he was running late, so we agreed to just meet at some bar. Apparently his EX-bf was going there to meet a grindr date. So we met him and his Ex. While we were just hanging out there Kevin was on one side of me, Army on the other side and they were’t talking. Kevin just stood there with his arms crossed. It was going to be a bad night.

We walked from there to some other bar in the Castro. Kevin said he was hungry so he went to get pizza while Army and I went into the bar. We both had one drink and decided the bar sucked so we left. Kevin had JUST paid his cover. 🙁 He was angry.

Went to another bar, I paid for all our entry and then Army paid for our first round of drinks. Kevin stood at the bar and Army and I went dancing. Kevin left.

Army and I danced the night away. Drinking, laughing, having an amazing time together. We went to a third bar, danced some more. Army started cackling with this random asian guy and then dancing with some girl. He kept trying to get me to dance with this latin guy that I just wasn’t into. We left at bar close and ubered back to the hotel.

We got there and got into bed. He grabbed my hand and pulled me over to cuddle. He held my hand. This is exactly what I want. I want him to show some affection. I had to puke, got up. By the time I got back he was laying there sleeping, cold as ice as usual.

Monday we woke up and surprisingly had a very slight hang over. I was expecting it to be much worse. Walked to breakfast and then left the city. Back home after picking up my trailer. We went grocery shopping together, cooked dinner together. IT was super nice too because when I was cooking he actually came over from the couch and sat and talked with me.

This is exactly what I want. I want a bf like this, (just show me some more affection!!) Someone I can go to the city with. Hang out at home with, cook with. Watch movies with. We both seem to enjoy the same types of shows, we both enjoy the same music (besides his random ghetto shit). We talked about his dick which was sort of funny. Talked about him topping vs bttm. He said he only likes to top small guys and has only topped twice in his life.

Last night we even made spring rolls together, just hanging out making them around the table. It’s so cute and so perfect. Why doesn’t he like me.

Who else would treat him the way I do, treat him so nicely, give him so much attention care about him so much. I mean I’m sure there are other fish. But what’s so wrong with me. WHAT DOES “NO CONNECTION” fucking mean. How can you have no connection when we had such an amazing weekend like we just did.

I have to just make it through this summer. I have to cut him off at the end of it. Say goodbye and be done. I cannot do this. I can’t handle this rollercoaster. I cannot go from having feelings about him to being just friends. Having weekends like this with him makes it even harder.

The one BIG issue we had this weekend is that apparently he has invited his best friend to come visit for the week of June 25-July 1. Which really pissed me off that he invited her without asking me. When I confronted him about it he said “Well maybe we’ll just get a hotel in the city then”. WTF. Ugh.

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

I have my first online therapy appt tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to it and I’m going to really try to and talk just about how I can survive the next 3 weeks with him and not go completely crazy.

I want to email Wings and just say something to him. But I have no idea what to say.

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