Aug 16, 2001

Aug 16, [Crash Test Dummies, "Mmm, Mmm, Mmm"]

Today has been one fucking cool ass day. Adam and I spent like 8 hours

at the fair it was great. The only thing missing was that we’re just friends,

it would have been so much better if we were still together.

We tried out this cool massage things with magnets and when we were done

the lady said, something along the lines of "Have fun checking out

girls" and Adam said, "Or guys" and she just looked at us,

it was the greatest look. And she was like, "You’re not" and yeah,

it was great times.

Then later we passed these girls and one of them was wearing a T-shirt

that said, "I Love Boys" and Adam and I said, at the same time,

"I like boys too." And all the girls went "ewww" it

was hilarious.

Yeah, lots of great times. I just wished I would have had a BF to share

the fair with, but it was great sharing it with my best friend.

I’ve decided that I need to get more Beetles songs.

Aug 15, 2001

Aug 15 [Oasis, "Champagne Supernova"]

So yesterday Marry Rederus came into Kum & Go. She was obviously looking

for something and couldn’t find it. I was busy working on something back

by the coolers and there was a Frito-Lay guy standing next to me putting

product away. Marry came up to the Frito-Lay guy, who clearly wasn’t a Kum

& Go employee and asked him if we had such and such. He told her that

he didn’t work there and pointed at me and said, "He does though."

So she came up to me, and said "Oh hi" in one of those tones that

you know the person isn’t pleased to see you. Well she asked me where such

and such was. I told her we didn’t have any and then I asked how Luke was

doing, and she just gave simple to the point answers and asked where I was

going to school and then left. She wasn’t acting at all like Marry Rederus,

which bothered me. Marry never just says "HI" she always has something

to talk about. I dunno what was up with her.

Then today Josh Hunemuller (sp?) came in. And went though my line, he was

actually really nice to me. He even asked if he could take some matches.

Most people just grab them, or say "Give me a pack of matches too"

He said, "Can I have a pack of matches, Please." I was like, wow.

He’s nice. Things are wierd.

Not really much going on today. It’s a rainny and gloomy day, I like days

like this, it’s a good relax day. I told Adam to call me after I got off

work, I got off 45 minutes ago, and he still hasn’t called, but he could

be at work, so we’ll see what happens. I’d like to hang out with him tonight.

I haven’t just hung out with him in a while. We’ll see what happens.

Aug 14, 2001 #2

Aug 14, #2 [Foreigner, "Until The End Of Time"]

Usually when I find a story to post here, it’s cause I was just reading

along, and found something that just popped out at me as a relevant story.

Tonight however, I was sitting here trying to think of something to do since

I was blown off. I was sitting here and I had this feeling, this feeling

that I would find a story to post here tonight. So I grabbed a stack of

old magazines and just started reading them. That was about 2 hours ago

now. And I’ve found a story, just as this song was starting, I found this

story:

Future Boy:

After a long day at my summer internship I’m usually wiped out, so after

I log off AOL, I shut off all the lights in my bed room, close the door,

put in a CD, turn it up, and just lay back on the floor. No stress, no worries,

just me and the music…. However I just can’t stop thinking about tomorrow….

More or less, the future.

Sure I have the dreams, the plans, and the ambition…. But there is the

uncertainty that scares the hell out of me. I have two years yet until I

graduate from college, and the thought of spending the next 30 years in

an office, homogenizing my life to the common suburban worker appeals to

me about as much as making out with a girl! I don’t know where I’m going

to find a job, what kind of job, or who I will be with. You can have your

Keep Grand Cherokee, your carbon-copy home, your living room with furniture

you never use. Keep it. I just can’t stop thinking how worthless life is

if you’re just another hamster on a treadmill.

I don’t want to become another victim of society. I want to remain individual.

Being a gay youth has been a big factor in my life; it’s something unique

about me, something that sets me apart. Keep in mind here, I’m not ripping

on straight people. However, they seem to be the greatest victims. Now stop,

just stop for one second…. THINK! You are spending your life to achieve

what? This is where most people fall short of an answer. They work 40 hours

a week or more all their lives and amass material possessions to impress

people they don’t know all of which are worthless when they are dead. Who

were they? Nobody.

I live by a standard philosophy that I can do anything I want. Meaning,

achieve any goal by working hard enough. I feel that if I don’t make a difference

in people’s lives, then I’m not living to my potential, I’m wasting my time.

How I am supposed to do this, I’m not clear on. I know that it takes several

little steps to make a major leap, and a goal is always important because

you are not going anywhere unless you have a destination to reach.

Then, of course, my mind takes itself directly to guys. And I immediately

begin thinking that I will never find Mr. Right. This is, unlike many things,

something I have no control over, and I hate it. You see, he’s 100% of my

future. Everything I want to be, everything I want to do, I want him to

be a part of. Many compromises and decisions will have to be made by both

of us. Do we move to where he has a job, or to where I get one? Do I drop

everything for him? I hear of friends saying, "I’ve given up on guys,"

or "I’m not looking anymore," or "I don’t have the time….

I’m to busy right now to think of a boyfriend." Well, I think that’s

BS. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not give up. When opportunity knocks,

I want to be there to invite him in.

I don’t think it will just happen. I don’t think one day while I’m kicking

back, the guy of my dreams will walk up to me, tap me on the shoulder, and

introduce himself. [Although that would be a cool wish] I’m not going to

give up on him, because he wouldn’t give up on me. We stand together on

the same earth, under the same sun, yet we’ve never met. I’m afraid of growing

old, but most afraid of growing old alone. I’ve met a lot of really great

guys, and they have become my best friends, but alas, I’m single. I figure

I’ll know when it’s right, I hope. I can’t wait forever in a chat room,

or clubs, searching him out.

Some of my friends tell me I’m too picky, that I have this perfected image

of a guy that I will never meet. But in my heart I still believe he is out

there. I dream of the Him, the dog, our condo, and our children. I dream

of vacations, of happiness, and security. Will I wait a month, a year, 10

years? I don’t know. I’m afraid to miss him, to let him slip by and I won’t

– because he is my future.

Aug 14, 2001

Aug 14, [Nirvana, "Dumb"]

Hi Mom and Dad.

Ok so the last couple days have been really freaky for me. Really messed

up and shit. Yeah. I Smoked.

Tonight was great. It was Mandy’s b-day. Adam and I talked. Then the whole

group talked. It was good times. I think we should all go to Mitigwa some

time, I’ll take us all to a great little spot where it’s really cool and

a good place to just hang out and talk about life and shit.

Lifes good, mostly.

There’s alot I really want to say here, but I’m having problems getting

it out. The PU’s know about my site. Which freaks me out, and I don’t really

want to put to much up here. Maybe laters sometime.

I get off at 2 tomorrow, cause well. I have a meeting to go to.

My desk is really dirty I need to clean it off.

My parents messed up my clothes, they took them out of the drier. Now I’m

going to have to re-dry them. Cause well otherwise, they’ll be all wrinkly.

My dad got a new frying pan, I’m going to have to try it tomorrow. Speaking

of tomorrow, I can’t beleive it’s Tuesday. It feels like Sunday today to

me. But that’s just me.

Xy has tons of cool articles, I wish I had the time, I’m type them all

up and write them on my site. It’d be cool.

My grandma e-mailed me again, it was really random yet again, here read:

Well did you find an apartment? Did you get acquainted

with the two girls and the boy from Washington at the reunion? The one girl

Shari, Her Grandma called today (that is the one she came back with) and

said Shari’s Dad was killed in a motorcycle accident on his way to Sturgis.

Hit some loose gravel, lost control and hit an abutment and was killed instantly.

He was about your Dad’s age. They were back when they were smaller and spent

a few days at our house but don’t suppose your Dad remembers him. His name

was Ray. Do you have everything for school? What day will you be going up

to stay? Suppose work is going the same as usual. Are you going to the fair

any? Unless it cools off it will be really hot out there. Love you Grandma.

How’s she go from death to school? That just doesn’t work. At least

my random thoughts are seperated by line breaks.

School starts soon. We went and got books today. Vero and I are in the

same Soc class, it’s going to be cool times.

Aug 13, 2001

Aug 13, [Me First And The Gimme Gimmes, "Walking On Sunshine"]

Well today’s been a day for firsts and other such oddities today. I’m not

really in the mood to update now so list:

  • Work. People. Annoyances.
  • Adam, Angie. Large group, Anti-Group
  • Xak, Link. "Movies" Fun, new things
  • Parents, Website. Bad Times
  • Car, School. Other Things