Wow, so the last day has been really really strange.
First I post that thing about what Andrew wrote in his journal. I forgot that he was still on my friends list. So he sent me the following e-mail:
You don’t have to be afraid to talk to me. Ever since Steve’s journal and then going and reading your journal I’ve just about been out of my mind.
And the reason you couldn’t find Steve’s thing is because he deleted it shortly after he wrote it. I just happened to see it in like the hour that it was up.
To which I replied:
Thanks for e-mailing me.
I’m not really afraid to talk to you, just that since you’ve been back. I had tried calling you a few times (and no, not the drunk times) and you never returned my calls. I figured that meant you didn’t want to talk to me. Then after the drunk call and your refusal to respond to that I figured it really was the end and time to leave it alone.
Why have you been out of your mind? And who was it that I went out with that’s an Ex, just curios, if it bothers him that much I’ll not do it again.
And you’re right, #2 is not me. There’s been a lot of changes for the worse since Austin, I’m working on changing those now.
Then he said:
Well, I don’t recall getting any phone calls since I’ve been back. And if my phone has been off, I haven’t gotten any messages.
I’ve been out of my mind b/c of the stuff I read. I found myself jealous when reading about your sleeping with that straight guy or whatever, and feeling sympathy about your stuff with Austin. It really made me confused, and I don’t know what to think.
To which I replied:
I think i left you one message and called you once and you didn’t answer. Either way, that’s all behind me now, so I’m not really concerned about it.
I’ve found myself jealous since you’ve been back, you were here what a week before you found a boyfriend? And here I’ve been working my ass off to try and find one and nothing works.
Where to go from here, I’m not sure. I’d like to be friends again, I really miss hanging out with you, but I don’t want to cause problems with your life at Chapman any more then I have in the past.
And then last night I get a myspace message from Steve:
I know we haven’t met. I’m Steve, I was with Andrew. I know your probably throwing me a big “f-you” right now. But, I would actually like to talk with you. Nothing serious or vindictive or with malicious motives. I just want to talk. This sounds ridiculous, I know. But if you would like to talk, I’d be more than willing. And please, don’t let Andrew get word of this message, be it directly or in blog form. He and I are done, but I would prefer that he not know about this anyways. If you disregard this message, I completely understand.
So then now I feel bad because I don’t want to cause any more problems with Andrew’s life. I was finially moving on from not being his friend any more, etc. I’m glad that Andrew e-mailed me, perhaps this will be a start of our friendship again. But I’m sad that things ended between he and Steve, mostly because I don’t want to be the cause of it.
Jon e-mailed me as well and said that he wants to hang out on Thursday so that’s exciting!
It rained all night last night and it was so pretty and relaxing. I so didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. I just wanted to lay there and listen to it rain. Sadly it’s stopped now. 🙁
I replied to Steve:
I’m a little confused about what’s going on here? Reading both your and Andrew’s journal things seemed to be going fine. I hope that this issue doesn’t involve me, I’ve already fucked up Andrew’s life enough at Chapman that I don’t want this to cause problems between you and him.
Anyways, I’m all ears.
Then he replied:
I know this is really weird and honestly, I have no idea why I’m doing this. Anyways. The issue doesn’t directly involve you. Part of the issue with us (and many of his previous relationships after you) is that he consistantly brought you up in conversation somehow. No offense to you, but I got a little irritated about hearing about you constantly. But let me make sure you know that this is not in any way directed as an offense towards you. The catalyst for our break up was that I found out that you hung out with one of my ex’s (we dated for about a week), Patrick. It just weirded me out. Moving on, I don’t know all that happened between you and Andrew. I heard something about some altercation, but I didn’t really listen to the story as it was not for me to hear. And I know he frankly fucked you over real bad. I would honestly be livid if I were you. And now I think I found the point of this whole thing; The dissolution of you two seemed rather foggy and lacked absolution? I wasn’t there, so obivously I don’t know. But I think if you want to, you should give him a call. Just a simple kind call. I’m not going to say this will provide closure or make you guys start anew; It just may be helpful. He is obviously stuck on something with you, what I can not be certain. I’m not saying that he is still in love with you or not, only he knows that. I could actually go on some more about this, but I have to head to class. I know that I am not one to offer advice or tell you what you or Andrew feel. But maybe a conversation would do something for you both?
Then I replied:
The thing is that Andrew and I were best friends for nearly 2 years before we started dating, then we dated for nearly 2 years and were friends for almost a year after that. I’m a HUGE part of his life, as he was in mine. It’s only typical for people to talk about what they did, I’m sure 90% of his stories from over the past 4ish years have been involving me. So I’m not really sure how he could avoid brining me up, unless he just never talks about his past, but that would make for boringness.
I’m not really sure why my hanging out with Patrick is such a big deal. From my understanding from him, you just randomly stopped calling him and have had 0 contact with him since then. It’s a small gay world out there, people are bound to run into each other.
The dissolution of our friendship was rather foggy. After we got back from France we just sorta stopped talking. I’m sure he’s not in love with me anymore. He’s said it a million times, but as I said, we have a long history, it’s hard to let that go, even if all he wants is friends.
And then Andrew replied:
I didn’t get any messages, but it’s a moot point, so no need to argue it.
I wouldn’t be too jealous:
1. Steve and I didn’t have the greatest relationship and
2. It’s over now (as of last night) anyway.
I think we need to talk though. Hopefully this doesn’t come out wrong, and I don’t mean it in a mean way, but every relationship I’ve had since you has fallen apart because of you. I don’t know if that has happened to you as well and I don’t know what it means. I’d like to know what your feelings are in regards to that.
I guess this has just all happened so fast and I don’t really know what my feelings are, and I don’t know what your feelings are, and I’m all sorts of confused. If you wanted to get together for dinner or coffee or just at one of our places to talk this out and then see where it goes from there, I think that would be ok.
Let me know your thoughts.
I’m going to suggest Green China
Ok, Steve Just sent me this:
I totally understand that you are a big part of his life. And I don’t fault him for talking about you. It just came up during unopportune times… And you hanging out with Patrick really is no big deal. I just thought how funny it was on the odds of you two meeting and knowing each other. Also, he and I dated almost two years ago. I admit it, I was a complete ass to him back then. I was an ass back then. As cliche as it sounds, I have changed considerably since then; people do grow up. The thing that got me most weirded out was the whole, “you can’t escape your past” crap.
I know Andrew says he doesn’t love you, but I’m not sure, given your history, if completely abolishing you out of his life is really all that beneficial. In a perfect world, I wish you two were friends. I just got the impression that he didn’t want to move on with things. He and I were just not a fit; It’s nobody’s fault.
I just see a lot of similarities from the two of you to my previous relationships. Moreso than I would like to admit. But I guess the main point of this again; maybe you guys should just talk. I am not telling you what to do, I’m just saying that it helped me with my past. I’m sure you’re thinking “What the hell does this guy think he’s talking about?” I would think the same thing.
I’m sorry if I am being vague, confusing, and bringing up something you would rather not talk about. So, this is all I’m going to say about that. But I do ask that you don’t let this get back to Andrew; I really don’t want to get him any more upset. Thanks for listening.
-Steve