July 28, 2001

July 28, [Aerosmith, "I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing"]

Well tonight’s been really hard for me. Emotionaly that is. The first part

of the night was good. Dean came over and we went out shopping, my mom gave

me $125 for school clothes, so yeah. I went out and got a few new shirts.

They’re all real cool. I like them. Then Adam called, so we went over there

and got him. Dean went to meet Julian after work, so Adam and I went out

car shopping. That was fun. Tonight was actually alot of fun, but it was

hard for me to be around Adam, just me and him, I found myself flirting

with him alot. It was hard for me to be around him, I just wanted to keep

going on as though nothing had happened and that we were together. I wanted

to just hug him or hold his hand. I dunno. It’s hard. I also kept making

puns about not having anyone anymore, and I think that made him feel bad

a bit, but it was a way of reminding myself that it was over, and when we

were driving I couldn’t reach over and play with his hair, or hold his hand

or while we’re out in public I can’t put my arm around him, or hug him.

Like I’ve said before, it’s going to be hard moving from the boy friend

mode to the just friends mode for me. I’m not really depressed anymore about

it actually being over. It’s just the transition that’s going to be hard,

and not being able to do these things. At first when we started doing them,

I felt alittle wierd, mostly cause I didn’t know where the limits were,

or what I could do. But then I got kinda attached to it, I wanted to be

touching him as much as I could when he was around. It just felt so good

to have his arms around me, or for me to be holding him, I just got used

to it and now it’s hard to leave that. It’s been hard.

July 27, 2001

July 27, [Bon Jovi, "I’d Die For You"]

Well tonight’s been really good. I went over to Wal-Mart about 9 or so

and hung out there tell Julian got off. When he got off, we went downtown

to Java Joe’s and just talked. It was nice to just go out one night and

just to hang out and talk. Not to have the problems that a large group creates

about everyone wanting to go somewhere else. It was also nice to just have

a night where nothing was really bothering me. Where I could just talk to

him about anything and everything, even though I didn’t really. It was nice

to know that I could. We just had a general conversation about life in general

and different things. It was really good. It kept my mind off everything

else in life that’s been bringing me down lately. After Java Joe’s we went

to his house (and no, we didn’t go through the gay loop at all, thanks).

There we just hung out and got some food. His mom makes good Cole Slaw.

In general tonight’s been really good. I wish I could have more nights like

this. I wish I had a bf right now, so I could spend time with him. A night

like this would have been a good bf night.

July 26, 2001

July 26, [Lifehouse, "Everything"]

Ok, for me going to bed is a time for the day to catch up with my brain,

it’s when everything that happened that day hits me. It’s a time for me

to think about what’s been happening in my life, and about where my life

is going. Last night wasn’t a good night for that. I went to bed and everything

from Adam and my conversation just hit me. I lost him. And that really hurt

last night. Then I got to thinking about other things. Work, my social life,

school, my parents, everything. Just not good times. For the first time

in a long time, suicide was on my mind again. I was really depressed yesterday,

and I still kinda am. But, I think with time, things will get better.

find me here

speak to me

i want to feel you

i need to hear you

you are the light

that is leading me

to the place where

i find peace again

you are the strength

that keeps me walking

you are the hope

that keeps me trusting

you are the life to my soul

you are my purpose

you are everything

and how can i

stand here with you

and not be moved by you

would you tell me

how could it be

any better than this

you calm the storms

you give me rest

you hold me in your hands

you won’t let me fall

you still my heart

and you take my breath away

would you take me in

would you take me deeper now

’cause you’re all i want

you are all i need

you are everything

everything

July 25, 2001 #2

July 25, #2 [Eagles, "I Can’t Tell You Why"]

Ok so Adam and I had a really nice talk tonight. We went out to the west

side after work and just talked about our feelings. I feel much better now,

but at the same time I feel alot worse. I lost him, and that really hurts,

but it’s still really good to know how he feels about everything. We talked,

it was good. It still hurts though, of course. Like tonight right after

the talk. We were in Kum & Go. I just wanted to keep like, hugging him,

or I just wanted to put my arm around his waist, but I knew that wouldn’t

be right, cause well we’re not in that any more. It’s going to be hard transitioning

from the boy friend mode to the friends mode.

I think sometimes I’m a bit to laid back, and I let other people’s feelings

get infront of mine. And I don’t take enough time for myself. I don’t take

time to care for myself. Sometimes I tell myself that I should be more selfish,

but I’m not. I can’t be that way. And other times it may seem like I only

care about my feelings, but they are usualy the things that are the farthest

from my mind. I spend alot of night crying in bed. Not because I’m sad,

but because I’m sad about why others are sad. I could never be a psychologist,

I would always take the patients problems home with me. Maybe that’s why

I need this journal so much, if it weren’t for this I wouldn’t be able to

express my feelings at all. Am I making any sence here?

I talked to Josh today, Julians brother. I asked if he knew why his dad

might have called my house. He said that he did. Oh, hehe, I guess I should

tell the story before I tell the ending. Well last night, I got this message

from my mom on my cell phone. She said, "You’re in deep shit with Julian

Sheldahls Dad" and I was like, what the hell? So I asked Julian about

it, and he said he didn’t have any idea. So today Josh came in and I talked

to him. He said that my parents started like questioning him about who he

was. I guess maybe they thought it was Danny’s dad or something. Little

do they know, that Danny’s dad speaks Spanish only, lol.

July 25, 2001

July 25, [S Club 7, "I Really Miss You"]

Gay boys and teenage girls have this much in common: both take a long time

to get ready to go out, and both love going to malls.

In fact, malls have become the convergence point of modern America: brightly

lit and often discounted melting pots of commerce, cash machines, and culture.

So imagine my surprise at my local mall recently, in suburban Des Moines,

when I saw two 16-year-old boys walking around holding hands. Picking my

jaw up off the floor, I looked around for a camera, thinking there must

be a movie filming. But there was no camera. This was real life.

I shadowed them for a time, thinking they were, by example, making fun

of gay people. But no – as I watched them move in and out of The Gap and

Structure, I could tell the handholding was genuine, and I was awestruck

at the simple act.

They were not alone, but were part of a group of teenagers, mixed male

and female, including at least one obvious heterosexual pairing. They all

laughed together, walked around together, made fun of each other, and shared

both a common voice and common ground. It was a remarkable and moving sight,

and one that I did not expect to see.

Wasn’t it just a few years ago that Matthew Shepard was tied to a fence

post? And isn’t this the generation that is making Eminem a vastly popular

hate-monger?

So many questions ran though my head: Was this an anomaly? Could it be

some extended social science class project? Or have we been Will & Graced

enough to break though some of the last barriers that separate the gay community

from the straight community? Are incoming High School students now so comfortable

being who they are that they will feel no need to politicize themselves

for the cause? Is it simpler to "just do it" than to debate it

forever?

There were other eyes following my two young men around the mall as well,

especially those of older, married couples who did double takes [and in

some cases , triple takes[ at the sight of two 16-year-olds boys doing no

more, or less, then they were doing themselves. I walked slowly and listened

to some of the comments. They were not all positive, yet they were not all

negative either. Said one sixty-ish woman to her husband, "It’s just

like your brother. Let them be happy."

Some people shook their heads as they walked by, while other stiffened

and refused to look at all, but their eyes betrayed them. You could tell

then had noticed and were unnerved by the sight. The boys themselves seemed

oblivious to the ruckus they were causing by just holding hands, feeding

each other ice cream at D.Q., or by holding up a leather jacket to one another

to share opinions on it’s style.

I wondered if they faced persecution by anyone at their school, or if they

surrounded themselves with this small group of friends who understand and

are supportive. How do other boys react? Do their parents know their children

are having a profound impact on people who cross their paths? And do these

boys know what they may have to face in their future by being so completely

honest in the present?

We hear how cool it is to be gay in high school these days, but in fact

thiswas the first conclusive evidence I had seen to support that urban legend.

Maybe it is true. I hope it is.

I lost the group somewhere near Sam Goody, where a sign announced that

MTV was sponsoring a yearlong examination of hate crimes, urging their viewers’

acceptance of other races, religions, and preferences. And it occurred to

me as I stood there in the mall, that we are at a pivotal moment in out

times when a media outlet aimed at youth had the foresight to promote tolerance,

and young people respond with simpler acts of kindness and affection for

one another.

Having been around more teenagers in the last year then I had been for

a few years had been quite enlightening for me, and in mostly a positive

way. For some time I’ve been an advocate of the idea that the current generation

of 16-year-olds is set to take a big step toward compassion for all lifestyles.

Although we aren’t completely there yet, I’m happy to see that those steps

have been taken out of a conceptual stage and into the malls of middle America-possibly.

The most unlikely yet brilliant common battlefield of all.

-Thomas Long