Oct 24, 2001

Oct 24, [Elton John, "Can You Feel The Love Tonight"]

The trouble with intimacy is that it means vulnerability. Everyone wants

intimacy but few of us are very good at vulnerability We pay lip service

to "openness" and "trust," but usually these are mask

words which we use to hide ourselves and to keep others at bay. Get too

close to me and I’ll beat you over the heard with my openness and trust.

With the vocabulary provided by Freud and his followers, and the time provided

by increased leisure and life expectancy, our generation is the first in

history to set out self-consciously and in massive numbers to search for

the joys of intimacy. But there is no evidence that we have much progressed

over our predecessors in our skills at vulnerability. We attempt to make

bricks, despite the biblical lesson on the subject, without straw.

How much authentic vulnerability — as opposed to the synthetic kind acquired

on encounter weekends — have you observed on the expressway to intimacy?

The vulnerable person is strong enough to risk getting hurt — not pointlessly,

not irrationally, not as an inverted defense mechanism, but as part of a

reasonable if not altogether rational risk. He can give himself to another

human being not like a dive bomber crashing into an aircraft carrier or

like a Mack truck crumpling a Volkswagen, but rather in a gentle and subtle

process by which the other is incited, indeed seduced, to give himself in

return.

How many such people do you know?

The vulnerable person takes a chance on having his heart broken. He strips

himself of his defenses in the hope that when the other sees him as he is,

the other will find him irresistible. In such a defenseless position, he

can very easily be hurt, badly hurt.

Furthermore, he will be hurt. The lesson of all our experience is

that the vulnerable person does indeed have his heart broken, he is indeed

ridiculed, rejected, made a fool of. Sometimes the pain of such a heartbreak

is healed as reconciliation restores the violated intimacy. But only the

most naive believe that all stories have happy endings. Some broken hearts

remain broken.

Yet the deadly paradox of intimacy is that either we strip away our defenses

in a continuing process or we build them up in a similar process. We either

let the other get closer to us and thus get closer to him or we push each

other away. There is no middle ground. When push comes to shove, most of

us push instead of surrendering.

In our pseudosophisitcation we try to persuade ourselves that we are no

longer troubled by the shame of physical nudity. It is an act that normally

does not work. But physical nakedness is a symbol — indeed a "sacrament"

— of psychological nakedness. We are "shamed" when we take off

our clothes because we have nothing left under which to hide, nothing to

protect our weaknesses and deficiencies, we are defenseless, easily hurt.

Psychic nakedness is much more terrifying — and hence much less frequently

attempted. For if the other can see us as we are, then we are open to being

destroyed by him.

So we hedge our bets and protect our own apparent worthlessness. The cynical

"Why take the chance?" — rarely spoken but more a barrage of

words claiming that we are not afraid. It is all the other people who claim

to be "open and trusting" who are kidding themselves.

The theologians used to call this fear of the other "original sin."

The name may be out of fashion, but reality is not. Blessed be he who does

not take chances for he will not be hurt. Woe to him who risks giving his

whole self, for he surely will be hurt.

But then it may be worth it. And the name of that thought, according to

the old theologians, was Grace.

Oct 23, 2001

Oct 23, [Savage Garden, "Hold Me"]

When one cares for another, they may buy flowers for that person. The flower

will wither and die yet stay in a fragile yet dead existence, just as the

feelings as the person who gave the flower long ago. After much time, that

person will find the dead flower again, only to touch it to see what was

there after all. The flower crumbles to dust, leaving no trace of it’s existence

or the existence of the flower-giver’s feelings for that person so long

ago.

Ryan

Sometimes I don’t know why I even try to explain myself to people, they

just get even more pissed off. I just want everything to be happy, I want

everything to be the way that it was. But it’ll never be like that again,

not with that attitude…..

Oct 22, 2001

Oct 22, [Michelle Branch, "Second Chance"]

It’s raining. I love the rain, under certian cercumstances, this isn’t

one of them. I got stuck in Carver and it was POURING down rain. I mean

pouing, so I had to walk back to my room in the rain, I’m all soaked now.

Grrr. I like the rain when I have a nice warm fire and someone to cuddle

with, that would be when I love rain. But most of the time, like Sundays

when there’s nothing to do, or during the week when I don’t have to be out,

I like it when it rains.

Sweet Action with grades and such. I just checked my Math 150 grade, I

thought I was doing really bad in that class, but I’m actually getting a

B-. Cool beans there.

Yay for patriotism again….

Oct 21, 2001

Oct 21, [BBMak, "Just Another Day"]

So my horoscope Friday said that everything would work out if I took the

first step. And it did. On my way home from school I heard an ad on the

radio of Saturn of Des Moines, so I was like, I’m sure everything there

will be out of my price range, but hey, it’s always cool to run down there

and check things out and see what they’ve got. So I went down there and

there was this sweet black 01 Saturn sittting there in the used car lot

that I loved. So I went over and checked it out, Power everything, Auto,

Moonroof, it was such a great car. But a bit out of my price range, $11,400.

But sitting next to it was a ’00 Saturn SL1 4 door, Power Windows, Poor

Door Locks, Keyless Entry, 5-speed, 30,000 Miles. Really nice car. So I

grabed the first salesman I found, expecting him to say it was in the mid

$10,000 range. They had just got it in the day before, so they didn’t have

a price on it yet, so he went inside and found out how much they wanted

for it, came out and told me it was in the mid $9,000. Which I could afford.

So I was like, "SWEET ACTION." So I test drove it, and it drove

really nice. I called up my dad and we talked about it and such, then I

went home. Got him, we went down there, filled out all the paper work, and

set up a time to pick it up on Saturday. I got it, I love this car. It drives

sooooooooo nice. I’m happy 🙂

Then after that I went out with Adam, that was good times. We went downtown

of course, and we talked and hung out with people. This weekend I relaly

didn’t get to see all that much of him, but the time that we spent together

was well spent quality time, so I’m happy about that. Angel said that we

needed to open up our lines of communication again, which we worked on some

this weekend, even though Adam might no realize it yet. But we did, I’ve

still got alot to talk to him about, and he’s got alot to learn, but we’re

working on things, and all’s good. WE’ve got a great friendship that I see

lasting for the rest of my life. He’ll hopefuly be my soulmate for my life,

and I’ll be his. It’s so great.

Saturday I spent the monring cleaning out my old car and getting it ready

to sell to my dad, that took a hell of a long time, but I must say it looks

damn nice now. I’m happy with it. Then about 2 or so Adam showed up at my

house and we hung out there and talked for a while tell he had to leave

for work and I have to leave to pick up my car. Then after work he and I

went downtown for about an hour and then we came home and just had a good

night at his house. I love spending time at his house with him and all,

but sometimes it really annoys me when he just spends the time on his computer.

I mean usually it doesn’t bother me. But sometimes I just get bored with

it, it’s not fun for me to sit there and watch him play on his computer,

there’s really nothing there for me to do. I don’t have an interactive role

in it, you know what I mean. So usually I just get up and go sit on the

couch or something, which is cool. But still. Oh well. Overall the night

there was great, we watched TV and talked and just hung out. I left there

about 3 or so and I guess his PU’s got home like 20 minutes after I left,

lol.

Today’s been a cool day as well. I got up early, well not really that early,

it was like 10 or something, but still early for not getting home tell about

3:30 and not going to be tell about 5 or so. But yeah, Adam called like

11 or so, so I went over there about 12 and we hung out tell he had to go

to work. It was good times. He really needs to get a new job, so we went

out and he filled out Job Apps. Then I went home and did my HW and such,

the paper on Bartleby that I had to write has to be the dumbest thing I’ve

ever written. Oh well. I don’t really care right now. Then about 7 I went

over to Hy-Vee and hung out with Adam on his break we talked and that to

was good times. He’s now got next Friday and Saturday off, so we’re hoping

to go down to Lenox and hang out with David on Friday and then I have to

help my G&G on Saturday. Fun times. I hope he actually askes his PU’s

to go. That’s another thing that annoyed me this weekend, Friday he wanted

to stay the night at my house, well he asked if he could, but then when

we got back to his house, he said he was too tired, yet he was awak enough

to stay up 2 more hours and watch tv at his house. And then Saturday I asked

if he wanted to stay, and he came up with some lame excuse as well, but

I mean I don’t really care. If he doesn’t want to that’s fine. Oh well whatever.

So now here I am sitting here in my dorm, wanting to not be here of course.

But that’s the way life goes. I still have to write the outline to my Bartleby

story. Thank god this assingment’s over. I wonder what the next one’s over…..

Oct 19, 2001

Oct 19, [No Doubt, "I’m Just A Girl"]

Yeah, that’s right "I’ve had it up to here." And I have too damnit.

The guy on Car #2 didn’t call back last night, so I’m going to call him

at work here soon. Whatever.

Soc went cool. It was a shortist class, we got out like 10 minutes early.

We took a quiz and I only missed 4, so I got 80% on it, YAY!

I have a headache, and I have a paper to write that I really don’t want

to write. I was talking with one of my class mates today and we were like,

all she does is repeat herself, and then she rips our papers apart if we

do that. Gwar at her. GWAR at the world right now.