July 12, 2001

july 12, [gin blossoms, "follow you down"] ok well tonight was

great. i went over to hy-vee and sat with adam well he was on his break, one

of his other friends was there too. i forget her name now, but she was all

worried that she might be pregnant, and such, yeah, crazy, but then after

he got out of there we went to camp. it was cool fun. we got there just in

time to see the call out ceremony. yeah, good times seeing robert like that,

adam enjoyed it too, although the whole cult like stuff kinda freaked him

out i think. after that was over i had planned on taking him up to frankel

ridge and hanging out in the field up there and just talking the night away,

but it was starting to rain and there weren’t any stars so that plan kinda

got blown. so we went into tent city and adam met nathan, the really femm

guy at camp. and we went and found becky, but she was dead asleep, so we just

left her, and went and saw ben shepely. we talked to him a bit and such, then

they were going out for ice cream and we were going to go, but they wouldn’t

be back tell like 1 and that’s adam’s cerfew so that wouldn’t have been cool.

so we just came back and adam met nic, then we went back to hy-vee and hung

out there. in the car back though we had a little discussion about things,

again the whole touchy feely things. it was a bad conversation, i tried explaining

to him about it, and it’s like, well i feel really stupid writing this, but

sometimes when he’s there, i have to "adjust" myself. i dunno, it

was wierd telling him that and now but yeah. i got heat for that all night.

our whole relationship is kinda wierd, i like it, but it’s wierd. i don’t

really feel as though we know each other all that well, we know alot about

each other, but not alot. it makes sense in my head, so go with it. but i’m

really liken it this way, just kinda learn about each other as things go along.

neither of us wants sex, so we can go as slow as we want in things. it’s all

cool. really cool. but ya know, i think my head is moving the relationship

along more then what it really is. like tonight we were standing by his car

and i was just looking at him, and like half my head just wanted to kiss him,

and the other half was like saying, no you can’t do that we’re not ready.

so instead i just played with his cheeks and such, he’s got such an adorable

face, he really does, and in my head, that’s like a huge part of liking someone.

but yeah, and then i was like, omg. i don’t want to be like ryan, adam said

he hated when ryan did that, so then i kinda apoligized in my half wacko sort

of way. but yeah. i’m going to leave now before i dig a bigger hole.

Feb 11, 2001

so yeah, should be doing hw yet, i actually got it out,

and put up an away message, then i was like, hmm, maybe i’ll update my page

some, lol. so here i am updateing my page. so i realized something bout myself

last night, and i didn’t like it. not at all. nope. well it was really messed

up ast night. so i was in bed, and the phone rang, and it was some drunk jerk,

he got the wrong number, so i just hung up on him, cause he was totally incomprehensive.

so then just after i hung up the phone rang again. it was danny, doing his

thing, where he calls and doesn’t talk. so i looked he was signed in so i

went and started talking to him. but yeah, somehow him and julian started

talking. it was just freaky. ok so this makes no sense, i’m going to go do

hw, maybe i’ll fix it later. so yeah, it’s like 1 or so and i’ve been up since

10. i haven’t gotten any hw done, i got the books out, but that’s all. i did

get my webcam working again :-P. someone should be happy, lol. but i’ve been

thinking again, and maybe it’s just me, but it’s odd. yeah, i just feel like

i know nothing about danny, i know alot about him, but i feel like i know

nothing. it’s odd, maybe it’s just me. salads are good. so yeah, instead of

doing my hw like i should have, i got an urge to clean shit out, i get these

everyonce in a while, you know, just start trowing all your old shit away.

well i found my 2000 yearbook and sat down looking trough it. it’s so depresing.

i hated hs, it was really depressing. and now when i look back at it it’s

even more depressing. i hated hs.

Feb 10, 2001

yeah so i should be doing HW now. but i just don’t have

the motivation to do it, lol. i really haven’t got shit done today. it’s been

a crappy ass day. i watched qaf the first two shows today. everytime i watch

it i see more of it, you know realise more. it’s like WOW, i haven’t seen

that before, lol. it gets funnier everytime i watch it to, lol. haven’t seen

danny yet today, and it’s getting kinda late. we talked for a couple minutes

last night, he was on a payphone, getting chinese food again. i had this craving

the other day for chinese food, and then like 5 minutes later he called and

was like i’m going to get chinese tonight, i was like, WTF, lol, it was cool.

so yeah, Hw, maybe i’ll get to it yet tonight, i dunno. i’m tired.

Feb 8, 2001

so it’s been a long day. last night was

really good though i talked to danny for like 3 hours, 3 and a half i dunno,

it was long, but really nice. i love talking to him, he’s got the cutetest

voice, lol. i just wanna kiss him everytime he talks, lol. but yeah, it was

cool. we talked tell well after midnight and then i just layed there in bed

thinking. bout him, bout what we talked about, it was some pretty cool stuff,

lol. but i can’t imagine myself at 60 and still listening to the same type

of music that we currently listen too, lol. but yeah, i’m so fucking tired,

i got maybe 3 hours of sleep, which isn’t much for me considering i ususally

get a full 6 hours min. lol. what a dork i know, but you don’t want to know

me if i don’t get enough sleep. lol. i can get reallly pissy, very easily.

lol. it’s snowing here again, damn snow, we’ve got like 8 inches in the last

couple days and it’s supposed to keep snowing all day today and trough tomorrow.

yucky. i think i should take a nap, but then my thought process

will get fucked up. you know, you take a nap in the middle of the day. and

then when you wake up it’s like is this morning of the next day or night of

the same day. andi just get really messed. i’m to tired to explain it. i wish

i could go to philly so bad. i really do.

Feb 6, 2001

so i just got out of my first class for the day, american

government, and today we had this debate all day and he just trough out subjects,

one of them was gay marriage. you would not beleive what some of these people

said. he phrased the question so it was more of for government tax purposes

etc, you know. but these people are so fucking stupid. they were like “churches

don’t recongnize them.” and people were just being all stupid. one person

even said “they’re fags who cares” and people fucking laughed at

that. i was bout ready to scream. but i didn’t. AHHHHHH, this is one fucked

up state. ok so today, well lately, i’ve been really depressed. again. i don’t

know it’s like i go into and come out of these things. i have so much Hw to

do, but i don’t want to do it, cause it’s all busy work. i have to type up

that bill for that stupid class yet, and i have to change the damn program

now, that stupid bastard. and i have to read four chapters in american gov,

and read a chapter and do some HW in accoungint. i wanna talk to danny. i

wish i had money, i wish i could just say screw this semester and go out there

and get a job or something. this state is really getting to me again. people.

people are strange, i think that hink this morning just really set me off

again. but i’ve been depressed alot for the last couple days. i think i’m

hooked on danny and his voice. t’s so sweet and cute. and i love the way he

says nuttin, it’s so damn cute. lol. and he knows it lol. i’m so out of it today. it’s like i keep thinking it’s wed and it’s not it’s only tues and

shit. i’m going to my cousins on the 16th. that should be ok, i don’t know

what we’ll do though. and then i get back on the 19th and danny leaves on

the 19th for i think he said just a couple days but then he’ll be leaving

again so it’ll be like a whole week before i get to see or talk tohim really.

i’m so sad. people annoy me. roomies are assholes too. just so you know. i

can’t wait tell iget out of here. oh hey did i mention that i got accepter

to UNL. but i don’t know if i’ll go there, i would rather go to cali. ya know

i don’t get my PU’s over christmas they were like. if you want to go to an

out of state school you’ll have to start paying 60% of the tution, but they

they were like, but this is the time to get out of here if you want to. i

was like WTF? so your limiting where i can go, but you’re telling me that

this is “the time” to get out, cause “later i’ll have a family

and it will be hard to move” damnit, i sofucking want to tell them. but

i know that’ll really put a cap on my college payments, lol. i was talkig

to my mom on the phone the other night, it was just after i hung up from danny

and i was in a really good mood. and she’s like “why you so happy”

and i just wanted so bad to tell here “cause i just got off the phone

with someone i really love” but i can’t damnit. but you know i called

him the other day, so i’m going to have to come up with some explaination

for that. hmmm. wonder what i’ll do.