Ok… Well I can now say that I fully understood how Andrew was feeling after he made out with that random Asian boy while we were first broken up.
Last night hanging out with Jon was lots of fun, but after the roomies went to bed, he started to get very agressive, and well in short we made out for a while.
I guess I can say that I kinda had a feeling it was going to happen. I mean he’d been telling me that he ‘liked’ me. And he Imed me this once: “i dont mean to freak u out or seem like i’m trying to take advantage of someone in a bad situation but at one point today all i wanted to do was hug u and kiss u”.
But I had no idea that it would actually happen, I thought that I had enough self control. But we were laying there on the couch, watching Queer as folk, and he started to rub my arm and play with my hair the way that Andrew used to, and I just kinda feel into it. And everytime I looked at him, I just saw Andrew, and all I could think about was how I missed Andrew doing those things, and how much I miss laying on the couch with him and kissing for hours.
Before I knew it, the harmless hand carassing had moved up to playing with my stomach and soon we were laying on the couch hugging, the same way that Andrew and I had all this time. As we laid there, I just looked at him, and all I could see were Andrew’s big brown eyes, and his bigg bushy black eye brows and his full lips. I saw Andrew there on the couch with me last night, not Jon.
Sadly, it was Jon there though. But when he came in the first time to kiss me, after we had been laying there talking about random things for a while, I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted for it to be Andrew, I wanted that so badly.
And when our lips touched, I felt him, I felt Andrew’s lips there, I felt the way that Andrew kissed. So passionately, so lovingly. I felt him and I saw him there.
We laid there for a while, kissing. I was in my wonderland, feeling and seeing Andew, not realizing what I was doing, or who I was really kissing. I only wanted it to be Andrew, to be one of the hundreds of other times that we laid on my couch at home or at my apartment. Laying there kissing like that so lovingly, so meaningfull, so so as if we belonged as one.
I don’t know how long we were there kissing, but Ty came out at some point and we stopped. As soon as we did I realized how wrong I was to do that, how horrible I felt for kissing Jon. At that moment I just wanted to run and cry in my room. I wanted to call Andrew and tell him everything and tell him how horrible I felt for kissing someone else, how wrong it really felt. Even though while we were kissing it felt right, that was only an illusion.
It was all just an illusion that my head played on me. And now I feel so horrible for it. I want to call Jon and tell him that I shouldn’t have done that. I want to call Andrew and tell him what happened, and tell him how horrible it felt to kiss someone else. How I only wished it had been him. How I only wish that things were alright, and that I wish he were here, laying on Ty’s couch with me, watching Qaf tell 2am and kissing and holding each other.
I want him back, even though we only talked throughout the days over the last 10 months or so, knowing that we’re not together anymore is a horrible feeling. And I hate it.
I hate it so much.
After Ty came out, I couldn’t even look at Jon anymore, for fear of seeing Andrew again and falling into the same trap. I know that I have to talk to him, and let him know that nothing will come of this, and all that I want is a friendship, and that I was sorry if I led him on in anyway.
We’re talkig online now, and I can’t continue with writing this.