Category: Not Published

Private: OGs Blog

Ha, OG just posted this… What’s he doing sitting inside my head?

what is it that one is supposed to do with one’s life? Is it to be better? Better than what? Better than who? And when you are better, is that it? what about then? Is one supposed to get things? to get wealth? to get stuff? and when you get it, is that it? What happens then?

If one feels empty, how does one fill up? and once you fill up again are you destined to always run out? And do you have to fill up again?

What is one’s life all about? Grow up, go to school… or not… get a job.. or not. Have a family and kids so you can go visit other families with kids. Do families-with-kids stuff like soccer practice and sunday games. Attend events with people you dont know while pretending that you do. Is this what is all about? And when you’ve done all this, then what?

You get up in the morning and go to work… break your back in a mostly contraceptive and detttachaed work environment. Then you go home and start all over again… just for the weekend, just for the paycheck. Oh, and also to justify pretending that you care about what you are doing.

And for what? at the end of the day everything you’ve done so far does not matter. And what’s more important… is that you have zip to show for. Nobody’s life was saved, no great achievement was acomplished. So what is our life for?

 

 

—

 

 

In other news…. Austin’s being crazy still. He says he’s so into this other guy, but yet he calls me all the time all day long. Like when he’s on his way home, etc.

We got into yesterday twice.. Once because the night before I had asked him to the boom with me. He said he would call me back and let me know. He never did. I called him twice and he didn’t answer. He went out with Orlando. he lied to me saying he “fell asleep”. Yeah right.

What a fucking jerk. He’s so rude. So I was like, “goodbye for now.” and then like an hour later he IMed me again and said, “We have communication issues, I promise I’ll try harder.” And then he went on talking like nothing happened. It was so random.

Then later in the day, he asked me if I knew what a VLAN was. I said I did, but apparently I had a tone and he got all pissed off about that and hung up on me! OMG! Drama Queen.

Anyways. So it looks like I’m just going to be second fiddle to him from now on. IE, he only wants to do things with me if Orlando doesn’t call.

But WHY does he keep calling me so fucking much. Gah, it’s just wierd.

I have an office lined up, now to just approach my boss about going back. I had a long convo with my mom about it all and she had some good ideas, but I dunno. I’m just really nervous about appearing to be flakey, etc.

I’m out.

Private: 9 Calls

So I’ve been leaving Austin alone… Just waiting to see what he does…

Yesterday, he called me 9 times. And asked me out to lunch. Granted, I found out once we were AT lunch that he only called me because Orlando didn’t call. But it’s better then nothing! When he was complaining about that, I wanted to just be like. “Damnit, Austin, there’s someone IN THE CAR who would treat you better then that. Because it’s what you deserve!”

If he had called me while I was eating dinner, I would have talked to him. If he had asked me to call him to plan lunch. I would have done it. And all the other things that he’s been complaining about so far. Gah, I REALLY hope this he doesn’t get in a relationship with this guy, because that’ll just be hell for me. Clearly I’m so much better.

It made me feel good though that he called me so many times, mostly to just chat about random stuff. We’ll see how today goes.

Adios!

Private: Makes It Better…

I got a message from Austin last night that made me feel a bit better….

8:38:42 PM miklaustin: whats up hows your night going

Austin came back (8:38:43 PM)

8:38:55 PM blackc2004: it’s going good… my mythbox hates me

8:38:58 PM blackc2004: how about your night?

8:39:06 PM miklaustin: eh its okay

8:39:16 PM blackc2004: what’ve you been up too?

8:39:45 PM miklaustin: spending too much time dwelling on certain things

8:39:57 PM blackc2004: Oh?

8:40:44 PM blackc2004: What’s that?

8:41:23 PM miklaustin: things u dont wanna hear about

8:41:28 PM blackc2004: Why not?

8:41:35 PM miklaustin: regarding orlando

8:41:44 PM blackc2004: Well talk to me, I want to be your friend

8:41:52 PM miklaustin: hes not calling me bacck

8:41:58 PM miklaustin: i’m pretty sure hes over me

8:42:16 PM blackc2004: Aw. that sucks… I’m sorry… What happened on your dates, were they good?

8:42:18 PM miklaustin: and its a bit depressing

8:42:31 PM miklaustin: i’m having trouble getting it off my mind

8:42:38 PM blackc2004: I hear you there.

8:42:54 PM blackc2004: Like everyone’s been telling me, you’ll get over it.

8:43:08 PM blackc2004: Maybe he’s just busy

8:43:55 PM miklaustin: yeah i dont knwo

8:44:07 PM blackc2004: When was the last time you talked to him?

8:44:52 PM miklaustin: i called him

8:44:54 PM miklaustin: tonight

8:45:03 PM miklaustin: he was eating dinner and would call me back

8:45:08 PM blackc2004: When was that?

8:45:14 PM miklaustin: 45min

8:45:22 PM blackc2004: Well maybehe’s still eating dinner

8:46:09 PM miklaustin: hu huh

8:46:49 PM blackc2004: Some people eat slow… But how’d the dates this weekend go, was everything good… Did you talk to him sunday?

8:47:14 PM miklaustin: no

8:47:26 PM blackc2004: Satutday?

8:47:36 PM miklaustin: god i dont know ok

8:47:55 PM blackc2004: I’m just trying to help here Austin.. You said you were worried, I’m trying to get an idea of the situation!

8:48:39 PM blackc2004: Well just see if he calls you back tonight… Maybe he got busy with something after dinner

8:48:52 PM blackc2004: Don’t worry about it so much, he hasn’t said anything negative has he?

8:48:57 PM miklaustin: no

8:49:16 PM blackc2004: Well then I’m sure you’re just over analyzing it like you do everything else.

8:49:33 PM miklaustin: uh huh thanks chris

8:50:03 PM blackc2004: I’m just telling it how itis.. You’re always worried you’re not doing something right, when I bet you’re doing a perfect job.

8:50:41 PM blackc2004: Just give it time.

8:52:13 PM miklaustin: http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/m4m/141679729.html

8:52:15 PM miklaustin: gross chris.

8:52:29 PM blackc2004: lol, let’s not talk about that again

8:54:04 PM blackc2004: I installed my new PVR-150 in my myth box today

8:54:08 PM miklaustin: kewl

8:54:18 PM blackc2004: and now it won’t connect to the internet… for some reason it thinks it can support ipv6

8:54:23 PM blackc2004: and I don’t know how to turn that off

8:54:28 PM miklaustin: ew

8:54:41 PM blackc2004: And since it can’t connect to the internet, it can’t start mysql, which means it can’t start myth!

8:54:48 PM blackc2004: I think I’m just going to reinstall it all together

8:54:51 PM miklaustin: sounds like a mess

8:54:52 PM miklaustin: yeah

8:55:06 PM blackc2004: Yeah, it is a mess… Nile’s been sitting here trying to help me fix it, but we can’t get it

8:55:20 PM miklaustin: ah nice

8:55:23 PM miklaustin: good luck

8:55:32 PM blackc2004: Eh, I’ve given up, and he’s watching TV now

8:56:06 PM miklaustin: kewl

8:56:09 PM miklaustin: ok i’m gonna go

8:56:09 PM miklaustin: ttyl

8:56:12 PM blackc2004: Oh.ok

Austin went away (8:56:14 PM)

Away Message: I am away from my computer right now. (8:56:14 PM)

8:56:15 PM blackc2004: have a good night

8:56:16 PM miklaustin (Autoreply): I am away from my computer right now.

Austin came back (9:03:16 PM)

Austin went idle (9:13:18 PM)

Austin became active (9:15:11 PM)

9:18:41 PM miklaustin: hey :

9:18:41 PM blackc2004 (Autoreply): I’m in bed… Call my cell if you need me.

9:18:48 PM blackc2004: hey

9:18:59 PM miklaustin: i reallllly hate this

9:19:04 PM miklaustin: this is why i don’t like people

9:19:18 PM blackc2004: I’m sorry… I know how you feel

9:19:50 PM blackc2004: Just don’t stress about it.. the night is still young

9:20:06 PM miklaustin: i have to be in long beach at 7, and then again at 5

9:20:11 PM miklaustin: i dont know what to do all day

9:20:29 PM blackc2004: Aww that sucks… Can you find things to do up in Long Beach for the day?

9:20:42 PM blackc2004: Take your laptop up there and just hang out at the hotel or something?

9:21:00 PM blackc2004: Play sim city or watch movies or something

9:21:15 PM miklaustin: lol for like 6 hours?!

9:21:22 PM miklaustin: i could watch like 3 movies hahaha

9:21:40 PM blackc2004: Yeah, well you could go to a book store or something and read for a while too

9:21:42 PM blackc2004: break things up

9:22:05 PM miklaustin: hmmm yeah i dunno

9:22:33 PM blackc2004: I bet you could keep busy up there

9:22:37 PM blackc2004: Maybe go apartment hunting?

9:22:48 PM miklaustin: omg i have a voucemail

9:22:54 PM miklaustin: apt hunting:??? yeah maybe

9:23:15 PM blackc2004: Is it him?

9:23:19 PM miklaustin: i dunno

9:23:22 PM miklaustin: i have to go heck it

9:23:24 PM miklaustin: ch

9:23:34 PM blackc2004: ok

Austin went away (9:25:04 PM)

Austin came back (9:25:05 PM)

9:30:07 PM blackc2004: let me know yay or nay.. I’ve got to take nile home… back in like 10 minutes.

Austin went idle (9:35:51 PM)

9:43:20 PM blackc2004: i take it from your idleness that it must have been him

9:43:21 PM miklaustin (Autoreply): Whoops.. looks like i wandered off….

9:43:35 PM blackc2004: so i guess i’ll talk to you tomorrow i’m going to bed

9:43:36 PM blackc2004: night

Austin became active (10:01:15 PM)

10:01:43 PM miklaustin: sorry

10:01:44 PM blackc2004 (Autoreply): I’m in bed… Call my cell if you need me.

10:01:47 PM miklaustin: it was him

Sadly… It just makes me feel better hoping that Orlando ends up hating him. One can only hope. Though the fact that he did call makes me upset again.

I just wanted to say during that convo that… “If you called me, I would have stopped eating and talked to you.”

It just upsets me too that after 2 dates with this guy Austin’s so all over him.. What makes him so much better then me? :'(

Private: Sunday

So, in actuality. I went out on Sunday…

I went out shopping with Austin.

God, I know! I shouldn’t have!

We had a good time, although it was wierd. I went into the changing room with him cause he’s wierd like that.

But he was just so fucking adorable! I wanted to just grab him in there and make out with him. And why couldn’t I though.. Why doesn’t he like me like that, every indication he’s ever made has been that he does!

Ugh, I’m so fucked up.