Author: Cj B

Ok, wow. Today got crazy. I started writing this like 9 hours ago….

I spent a lot of time at the gym yesterday thinking about the optics of relationships and how much they impact my preference for who I date.

So explanation. Take Calvin for example, he’s a Doctor. I think a large part of why I stayed with him so long was because he is a doctor, I knew that whenever I introduced him to people they would be impressed. I knew that we would never have to worry about money. I knew that he would always have a job. Etc etc. There’s so many benefits to having a nice job like that.

Army.. Army is well, Army. There’s a certain prestige to being in the army. It’s nice to say to your friends and family “Oh he’s in the Army.

And well then there’s people like Wings. I’ve dated plenty of them in the past but haven’t introduced them to my family and have usually mostly kept them pretty private. IE JonJon, Mexican, etc. They all had part time jobs in retail and I was always sort of embarrassed to tell people what they did.

Is it bad to think about these things and put so much thought into them? I’m not sure.

We hired a new girl a week ago. I got email from CEO requesting a “computer”. So we setup a normal desktop PC for her. I was up in Yuba last Tuesday and she requested a laptop. I ordered her a laptop. We have standards for these things. We have a standard desktop setup, we have a standard laptop setup. (15″, 4lbs)

On Friday the CEO was up in Yuba and started sending these emails about how he expects to have things ready on day 1 blah blah blah. I replied back that we DID have them ready, as he requested. UGH the new girl then emailed me basically saying “I expect to have my new laptop by Monday”. So Monday she comes, I give her the new laptop, she leaves my office. Then 10 minutes later I get email saying “this laptop is unacceptable, I need something that I can travel with”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! It’s a laptop, you can travel with it. So she then checks in with me later in the day and asks “Did you order my laptop yet?”. I told her that I am waiting on approval since we’ve already spend $3,500 on new computers for her.

That evening I got an email from her again. “I’ll be back in the office on Wed and I need my new laptop ready when I get there”. STFU… Shit like that really pisses me off and people talking down to me like that is unacceptable. Just makes me not want to do anything around here TBH.

This past weekend I had a date with this cute tattooed asian guy (Wings). Dinner and a movie turned into a sleep over. It was fun and we’re hanging out again tonight for a gym date. He’s a nice guy and I enjoy talking to him. He loves astra already. We will see what happens. We went to Texas Roadhouse, that place was PACKED. I do not understand how it’s always so packed at that place. 1.5 hour wait for dinner. I should find out if that’s a franchise, maybe I should start one up!

Haven’t heard from Army in a week… whatever. Like I said, he’s just simmering and he can contact me when he wants. But I’m so turned off by his attitude. I need someone who’s going to give me attention, say nice things, be excited to talk to me, be happy to just hang out and watch movies, someone who wants to know and hear about how my day goes.. And most importantly, someone who’s supportive and says positive things.

I am so not an office working employee. I wish I had found a job in a more hands on field, something out and about.. I see no benefit to this job, no enjoyment, no final produceable product you can feel good about and the fact that the ONE BIG PROJECT i was hired on to do keeps getting pushed farther and farther out… It’s super annoying.

So this past weekend I had 3 dates in 3 days.

Friday I met this guy in Vacaville and we had a nice dinner. He was cool, very into outdoors but he smokes. Has a dog as well. I could see us hanging out and camping but nothing more.

Saturday I had a date with this Thai guy, who apparently is leaving the country in a few weeks anyway, so no reason to get too into him.

Sunday I met another guy and it was blah. Strike three!

Did a nice hike with Astra Sunday morning and that was fun.

There’s a lot of drama going on at work. New ORG structure and people don’t report to who they should, no one replies to anything. It’s a fucking mess.

I’ve been using some of the techniques from the Attached book on Army and they seem to be working a bit. We chatted last night about some stuff and also a few days ago. But for the most part I’m just sort of letting it simmer on the back burner and see what happens. He let me know last night that he’s coming on the 31st of May instead of the 28th and then leaving June 20th. This is sad because I had stuff planned for Memorial day week but since he’s not coming on Memorial day now all that is scrap. 🙁 He claims he’s hanging out with his grandma which actually means he’s getting drunk with his cousins in Lincoln.

Sunday I went to a tattoo shop in Berkely. I’m ready to get my first one but the guy was kind of a dick. He kept telling me my idea wasn’t right and blah blah blah and that I needed to do more research. So whatever. I’m going to stop at a different place in Sacramento today.

Last night at the gym there was this hot asian guy. I saw him talking to this latino guy. I got on grindr and the latino guy was on there for “Right now”. His pic was like 10 years old cause in person he was much older, fatter, uglier. The asain guy was pretty cute. Nothing like Gym Husband but decent. I messaged latin guy “Are you at 24hr with the cute asain guy?” He replied “Yep, that’s my fiance”. Ugh. Why can these ugly latin cheaters get cute asain guys! I mean the guy was fucking ON GRINDR WHILE HE WAS WITH HIS FIANCE!?!?

So this past weekend I went into the city and met up with Darin for dinner and shopping. Had a really good time. I enjoy hanging out with him. We walked around the city a bit, found a really yummy ramen place although the broth was a bit too fishy for me it was still enjoyable. I was on the hunt for some cute swim trunks for my trip to Palm Springs in April. I was unable to find anything cute.

We talked a lot of about Army, relationships in general, his issues with boys, why neither of us have relationships. We saw this super cute Asian/white couple holding hands.

He recommended I read this book called “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love”. I’ve read about 3/4 of the book so far and it’s really interesting. It’s made me realize that things will never work with Army. It’s also made me sad about how I’ve fucked up past relationships. The study is based on attachment styles of babies and how they translate into adult relationships.

I think that I used to be a secure attachment style. But I think over the past 7-8 years I’ve converted into an anxious attachment style (they say it’s caused by a major life change, for me. I think it’s either my grandpa dying or being poz, or both). Army is clearly an avoidant attachment. According to this book, those two would never work together (well, actually there’s another chapter in which it tells you how to make them work, but I don’t think we will ever work together). Again, I need to move the fuck on.

Speaking of Army. He’s in Mexico for spring break. Obviously I haven’t heard from him since Saturday when he left… I DOUBT you that had I messaged him first he wouldn’t have even said anything. Hell, he didn’t even say “Bye” or anything when he left to go there. I cannot deal with this level of horrible communication style.

Dealing with all this Army BS really makes me realize how badly I fucked it up with Calvin.

I flew to Forest City yesterday for work. I hate it here, it’s such a small town and everyone is so backwards and slow. The heater in my hotel room is crazy broken too. I set it to 65 last night before bed, woke up about midnight sweating to death. It had to have been over 80 in the room. I turned it off and opened the windows!