I’m so sick of being in the Friend Zone.
Worked out with USPS last night and left right after. I got home and we started texting and basically shit went down hill. He confirmed he wants to be friends only and now I’m crushed again.
I do the same thing over and over again. I get caught up on a guy, I get crushed. I’m so sick of this.
I’m fucking successful, cute, smart. Why the fuck can I not find someone.
So, it’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been sort of busy but not really.
Let’s start off where we were last time. So Kevin and I are officially done. He went off to Iceland, I knew he was going, but he didn’t text me ONCE all fucking weekend he was there. I talked to him about it after he got back and he said he “forgot” to text people. WTF. He said he would “work on it”. Well he went off to London a week later and did exactly the same thing. That was that for me. I can’t deal with that.
We bought flights to Montana at the end of November. I dunno what’s gonna happen there. I assume it’s just lost money at this point. We have barely spoken since. He posted pictures in HK with some random guy.
The bald guy I mentioned in my last post, we will call him USPS, his name is Ed. We hung out twice more after that first date, dinner one day and then like just movie or whatever the next time. He texted me after that saying he wants to be “just friends”. I was a little sad because he’s a nice guy. But ever since then we have been getting closer and closer. I am getting tooo close I think. We work out every night together, then we go back to his place and I cook dinner and we eat together. We lay on the couch and cuddle and hold hands… This weekend I went to his place Saturday night and I just left this morning. I’ll go back tonight to work out but I have to go home after.
So speaking of this weekend. I go over there Saturday night and we go to the gym work out, go out to dinner then come back to his place and cuddle on the couch. He has a BAD habit of sleeping on the couch, but I convince him to go to the bedroom so we can be more comfortable. So we lay in bed and then eventually he gets up to go “pee” but never comes back. That hurt me a lot…. I laid there in bed for hours just thinking about it. But eventually convinces myself he just went to lay on the couch in his safe space.
Got up the next morning and went and we cuddled on the couch for a bit, then went to get Doughnuts and walk along the water front, back to his place where I worked for a few hours and he napped then we did gym, arcade and back to his place where he cooked dinner and then watched some TV. Cuddles again on the couch. At bed time, he got up and moved to the other couch and slept there. I didn’t even both going to the bed this time. Again, I was hurt. I love to sleep with someone. I am just getting too close to him. We need to have a serious discussion about if we’re still “just friends” or if we are more than that… I also saw his dick and OH MY GOD. Is it amazing looking. I wanted to suck it so badly.
This morning he woke up early and cooked me breakfast, eggs and fresh grated hashbrowns. Yum! I left work and he is watching Astra for his day off.
He’s such a nice guy. We have similar aspirations, we laugh and have fun with each other. I just honestly think his biggest hangup with me is HIV. Again. 🙁
I just don’t know what’s happening in my life. I want a husband so badly. Why can’t I get what I want.
So, after getting back from LA with Humberto, things were kinda weird. I kept trying to get him to talk to me last week but he never really said anything. Then yesterday I asked him what he was doing next weekend and he said something like “Well I need to talk to you” and then sent me this:
So, while meeting you I had to get to know that you are very skillful, you do a lot of things and you had achieved a lot of stuff. Sometimes you are very creative with the situations and that gets me very impressed. Moreover, you are quite cute and you know a lot about cultures and countries, you had traveled all around the world, you are going to go to Japan… a lot of things that I really want to do someday. So when I met you I was impressed and I thought that you may be the right one.
So, in this world, there are a lot of different personalities perhaps there are not two that are exactly the same, and some of them go with others. I had been thinking a lot, even before LA, about this. You know me… I’m strange and perhaps is the reason that I had never have someone, even though I had a lot of opportunities with other people. The point is that even though I have had great times with you, I feel that our personalities are not compatible, and there are a lot of things that I cannot provide to you (and that really worries me) I compare myself with past relationships that you had and it is kinda difficult to provide the same chemistry that Calvin and you had. It would be very easy to say yes and start a relationship, but I really want to do this because I feel that is the right thing.
So, we’re only going to be friends, which is expected. I mean I cannot deal with some of his oddities, but at the same time it’s also super sad and depressing.
Friday night Kevin came over and we hung out for the weekend. On Saturday he was showing me a video on his phone and a popup came up that said: “I want you so badly”. Ugh. I mean I know we’re not exclusive or anything but instantly my jealousy kicks in. He’s just not the right guy for me but we have booked a fucking trip together in November, so we have to hold out until then.
I am still regretting breaking up with Calvin, years later. I just dunno why/what I was thinking.
I’ve also been feeling a bit down lately again. I need to kick this and get going again. I spent Sunday just lounging around the house not really doing anything.
I went on a date last week with this guy and he’s nice but a bit bossy and bald… I dunno. Also went on a date Friday night with this guy from SF. But he’s just a bit too quiet for me.
Again it’s been a bit but I have been meaning to update you on the boys.
Humberto and I went to LA together for a long weekend. It was a lot of fun, but we had some issues. He refused to be even in his UNDERWEAR around me. He wore shorts and a t-shirt to bed every day. I hate that he refuses to be touched. It’s just super annoying. I guess we’re only going to be friends.
Kevin and I are seeming to fall apart a bit. He’s not been very texting, he admitted to fucking other guys in Canada. I dunno. It’s just super annoying.
I did T the other night for the first time. It was very interesting.
Also been feeling super down lately. Just hate my job.
Ugh. I guess that’s it.
So a little update, not much has really been going on though. Let’s start with boys.
Pokemon – So things have been ok. I got my car broken into and they stole all his shit. He’s been in Vancouver and Vegas the past week and a half. Last week he admitted to fucking two guys while he was in Vancouver. Now granted, I’ve been fucking plenty of guys here while he’s been gone. But it still annoyed me.. Today he invited me to two house warming parties next weekend. I asked “Are your friends going to be like the guys you wanted to fuck on BART” and he hasn’t replied as of now… So that means yes. I don’t think this is gonna work. He’s just not on the same page as I am
Humberto – We go to LA this weekend together. I haven’t seen him in two weeks. It will be interesting to see how things go in LA. But I have come to the conclusion that it’s not gonna work with him either. He’s just tooooooo picky about things, scared of everything, unwilling to expand and try new things. I just cannot.
So back to the dating world.
Last weekend I was in LA for a family reunion that was nice to hang out with everyone. But it was a super quick trip. I was sad that I didn’t get to see Army while I was there. But that was also expected.
I’ve been a bit down lately again. Just not sure what’s happening. Work sucks. etc.
I talked to my boss about a raise/more vacation time but no reply on that yet.
I saw Wings on tinder again… Made me sad. I miss him.
I also really miss Calvin. UGH He sent me a pic of him at the gym and he’s so fucking CUTE. Ugh. I really fucked up there.
Jason and I haven’t spoken since he was here in SF.