My Life

USPS Update

So the happiness didn’t last long after I returned from Japan. USPS picked me up on Sunday evening from the airport. Even that was a hassle. He got super lost (SOMEHOW?) and I had to take BART to a station and then wait. My flight landed at 8:30. He didn’t pick me up until almost 11pm. We drove home and chatted, I didn’t bring it up at all. I told him that I would drop him at home and then I would go home. He asked me to spend the night. I was so happy that he did this. We got to his house, cuddled and went to bed. He had to get up at 4am to go to work, but before that he started making out with me, I started sucking his nipples and one thing led to another. We jerked off together. After that he cuddled me so hard and was gitty like a little girl. He showered, then came back and cuddled me some more. Got dressed, cuddled me some more and then finally left. I left a few hours later to go to work.

Monday night I went to his house after work, we worked out, cuddled on the couch, etc. When it was bed time for him I said I would go home. He asked me to spend the night. Again. I was so happy. We cuddled on the couch and fell asleep. Woke up at some point in the middle of the night and moved to the bed. Rinse and repeat from the night before. Started making out at 4am. Nipples, jerk off, cuddle cuddle cuddle. Kiss goodbye. I again left a few hours later to go to work.

Tuesday night, I go to his house. I bring a pot roast for dinner. He’s too tired to work out, so we cuddle on the couch. At one point, I start rubbing him, he gets hard. We kiss. I pull it out and start sucking him off. OMG. He has a nice dick.

He pulls my head up and says, “Stop, I can never reciprocate for you, I’ll never go near your privates, I”m just too paranoid”. We talk about it. He says he won’t change, won’t learn. I sent him articles to help him understand. He says it doesn’t matter.

I say goodbye and leave. The next morning he texts me: “That’s why I just wanted to be friends cause that would happen. Pardon my ignorance ”

I reply: “USPS,
I just don’t know what to say to you at this point. There’s obviously way more then just “friends” feelings on both our sides, I care about you a lot and I really value our time and friendship so far. I want more and I feel you want the same. After I got back from Tokyo, I really enjoyed the feeling of seeing you again and hugging you and holding you. When you escalated things, I was excited, hoping that meant that you wanted to try more. But it’s clear now that you just view me as a broken disgusting person because of something that I carry inside of me. Something that is safe and I would always do everything I can to protect you from. I never asked for HIV, I didn’t want it and I used to be just as scared as you are of it. I had a BF that I loved and cared about who cheated on me and gave this to me. I was crushed and devastated form it and now the stigma I get from it devastates me over and over again. Just like what happened now with you. The most frustrating part about it is you have no sympathy and no will to even try to change, to learn and understand, to make steps forward. I tried to send you articles to help you understand but you refused to even read them. To even try to absorb the information. You just want to push me away and treat me like trash because of this. I understand about being paranoid, but doing NOTHING to try and change or understand is not the answer. If you’re this paranoid with everyone perhaps you need to seek professional help. Perhaps you need more to understand not just this but everything else. You shouldn’t go through life being that paranoid about having sex with people. Things have changed so much in the past 5 years even with PREP, ARV and Condoms there’s a 0% chance of ever getting HIV now. Even with just ARV the CDC says there’s no chance of transmitting it. But honestly Ed, as much as I care about you and love you and enjoy our time together, if you can’t view me as anything more than just HIV, then I dunno what to do. As I said to start, there’s clearly way more then just “friends” feelings on both our sides.”

He replied: “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want. I guess I’m going to loose a friend. All I wanted was a friend.”

I replied saying it doesn’t matter if you just wanted to be friends, I can’t be friends with someone who’s pozphobic. He replied “Fair Enough”. I replied: “I guess this is goodbye” He replied: “I don’t want to be the bad guy, but I think I have to, it’ easier that way. Goodbye Chris”

So… Crushed. WHY. Ugh.

But, I bounce back. I am going to miss USPS. I think about him all the time still. But his loss, IMHO. I am a great guy and if he can’t see past my status, then fuck him.

I went on a date last night with this guy. It was supposed to be just lunch. Turned into 8 hours. He’s pretty great. But I’m sure something will fuck up and it won’t last.

I’m also still talking to Tokyo boy, He’s super sweet, but the distance is going to kill it.

Army and I are going to Hawaii in March.

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