Author: Cj B

Oct 3, 2001

Oct 3, [Sophie B. Hawkins, "Right Beside You"]

Three months ago today I was sitting in a tree along the Des Moines river

with someone that I had the biggest crush on. There in that tree, on that

night. We made the commitment to be Boy Friends. I was so excited that night.

Little did I know that that person would change my life so drastically,

change my life for the better, and take me through what I’ve been thought.

Little did I know that I would soon fall in love with that person. Little

did I know that our relationship together would only last a short time,

but our relationship as friends would continue to grow and that we would

become closer and closer. Little did I know. Looking back, I’m glad that

things happened the way they did. Of course, I wish I could change some

things, but we’ve had the best times of my life together, and I’m sure that

there will always be more good times to come. As I sit here looking at his

picture I think about what we’ve shared, what we’ve been though. How much

closer that all has brought us.

It takes a minute to like someone, an hour to have a crush one someone,

and a day to love someone; but it takes a life time to forget someone.

I hate being away from him. When we’re apart it feels like I’m missing

apart of who I am. I want that part back and I try everyday to live as though

that parts not missing, as though he’s never been in my life cause it hurts

so much to live with out him close by. It hurts because he is such a great

friend, because I love him, becuase I know that I can’t have him. It hurts

because when I go to bed because he is on my mind, when I space out in class

it’s him that’s in my day dreams, when I’m sitting at lunch, I wish he would

walk though those doors so I can talk to him, when I’m walking to class,

it’s him I wish were there talking to me. He’s everywhere I go, but he’s

no where that I go.

I want the weekends to be here. I want the weeks to be over, I want AZ

to be now, I want our future to be happy, I don’t want to loose him ever

as a freind. I don’t want to have to leave him again, I don’t want to have

to say goodbye. I don’t want to have to see him go, I don’t want to have

to be the one to go.

Oct 2, 2001 #3

Oct 2

I hate being here where I don’t have someone I can hang out with all the

time. I hate being here away from the person that I love. Even though they

don’t love me back the way I’d like. I still like being with them. I love

spending that time with him and I take every moment of that time to heart.

I take every moment I can get together with him as if it were the last moment

together. I want to move from this hell hole now. I want to be somewhere

where I don’t ever have to leave that persons side. I know though that one

day that time will come and I’ll feel as though a part of me has been taken,

and then I’ll never get it back, I’ll never be myself again. He has a part

of me with him. I have a part of him with me. Together we make two people,

but apart we make two halfs. I can’t stand being apart. I can’t. The touch

of his body, the sight of his face, sitting in his car talking about random

things. They all make me so happy, they all make me a different person.

A person that I wish I could be all the time, but without him here, with

out him next to me. I can’t be. Everyday I feel as though I’m losing more

and more of him. We talk, we have good times, we hang out, we talk about

the future, but everyday I feel as though a part of me loses him, he’s moving

farther and farther way from me. He says that he doesn’t want anything to

do with me. But I get vibes that he does. Little things that he does, little

things that bring us closer, yet farther apart. I love that relationship

that we have together, I really do. And I don’t want it to end.

Oct 2, 2001 #2

Oct 2, #2 [Bee Gees, Lonely Days"]

So I was talking to one of my "friends" today, and he said that

"You really have to want to be your friend to be able to be your friend."

I asked him what he meant by that and he said that I push people away, and

that I don’t act freindly to them. He said that I’m inconsiderate of other

people’s feelings, and that I have mood swings and that I’m always to busy

to go out with my friends. I don’t know, maybe he’s just being an ass, but

if that’s the way I am I feel really bad about that. I mean I don’t try

to be like that. I enjoy every moment that I spend with my friends. Sometimes

I don’t enjoy them as much as other times, but you know, that’s life. Now

I’ve been analysing all my freindships. I mean, I don’t really see as though

I do that. I try to connect with people and I try to make time for everyone.

For example. I know I haven’t had time to hang out with Mandy lately. That

doesn’t mean that I don’t want too. Every weekend I say to myself. I’m going

to call Mandy and hang out with her sometime this weekend, but you know,

two days just isn’t enough time. I feel really bad about that, I want to

hang out with people. I want more friends. I wish that I could be a person

that just randomly walks up to people and starts talking to them, but I

can’t do it. I’m always affraid that they’ll think I’m some loon and I can’t

deal with that. I just can’t. Fucking A.

Oct 2, 2001

Oct 2, [Divers, "Magica, Magica"]

So I’m really starting to get bored with this colour scheme, yet I really

like it. So I’m torn between changing it and leaving it. You might notice

that I did add something different today. I think it’s pretty cool. If you

can’t figure it out, just move your mouse over any black word and you’ll

see it (Well if you have IE 5.5 SP2 + I know you will. I haven’t tested

it on anything else yet). But that brings up another point. Maybe I’ll leave

it like this and just work on making it cross browser compatible. I haven’t

really tested it on anything yet to see what it’s like. One thing though

that I would like to be able to do is you know how when you go to a site

and they have a special font that they use, and it checks to make sure you’ve

got it, and if you don’t it installs it for you. I want to be able to do

that cause I want to change my font.

On other things, not much has really happened today, although I have been

really busy. I didn’t get up tell like 8:30 cause I slept in. On Tuesdays

I’m usually up by like 6:30 or so cause I have a class at 8 and then I work

and all that shit so I have to get ready for all that. Well this morning

my first class was cancelled cause we have a test tonight, so my classes

for today didn’t start tell 9:30. So I slept in. I had set my alarm clock

for 8 so that I’d have enough time to get up, get ready and stroll over

to class. Well my roomie for some reason shut it off cause it didn’t go

off and when I got up at 8:30 it had been shut off. I was like, GRRR. So

I jumped out of bed, went and showered, came back got dressed, and ran over

to class. I right on time, but I didn’t get to shave this morning, so now

I’m all stubly. Eww. Then after class I went over to the MU and studied

all day. I just got back from there a bit ago and now I’m writing up my

notes for the test. I hope I do well on it. I need a confidence boost after

last night’s test. Also today my roomie was on the phone and he registered

for a hunter saftey course. How scary is that. Rarr.

Ok, last but not least. I’m sending Angel a care package, so if you have

anything you want to snail-mail her. Bring it to me and I’ll put it in with

the rest of the stuff. I’m sending her the Pure Moods CD collection and

a Bond CD. And a couple pictures. So yeah. Get those to me by the end of

the week or something. k?

Oct 1, 2001 #2

Oct 1, #2 [Robyn, "I Wish"]

Do you know what I think about all these nights when

I can´t sleep, sleep at all

Slowly I close my eyes

My thoughts they fly away to you no matter what I do

I wish I could turn back time

Back to the time when you were mine

I wish

I wish the day, the day you went away never had happened baby

I wish the stars, the stars in heaven would come down to me

So I could give them to you

Tell me then would you be lovin´ me like I wish

It´s so hard when you love someone this much

But you just don´t know how, how to love him the right way

If you could see, what you´ve done to me

What you´ve done to my heart,

what you´ve done to my soul my baby

All of my mind and all of my body then you should know

Why I can´t let go and baby I

I wish the day, the day you went away never had happened baby

I wish the stars, the stars in heaven would come down to me

So i could give them to you

Tell me then would you be lovin´ me like I wish

I don´t know what you want me to do

To prove my love is real for you

I don´t know what you want me to say baby

There is no if´s or maybe´s

All I want is you ´cause baby you are my only wish

Adam and I talked. I knew what it was about. I knew that things were growing

a bit to close for him. I should have stopped it, but I didn’t cause I have

to admit that I enjoy that closeness. I know that I can’t have him, I know

that right now, that’s not what he wants. And I know how he feels about

a realtionship between me and him, "I could never be romantically in

love with you again." But I still love being there and being able to

hold him. Like I said though. I take our relationship at face value, we

are just friends. (You know it was almost exactly three months (three months

tomorrow) ago that I first said that about him, but this time it’s true).

That’s all we are, and for the future that’s all we’ll ever be.