Author: Cj B

Friday night I had another date with Rav, this is the second date we had (first was at Hamilton). We went and saw the movie Reminiscence . It was MUCH better then I expected. We had a good time and then went back to his place after. He’s SUPPPPER skinny, like skin and bones. But has a nice dick. 🙂 We jerked off and made out and then I went home. We are trying to setup a third date here soon. Honestly though I am not sure I see anything in him.. I will have to really decide soon though cause I don’t want to lead him on.

Did a really awesome ride on Saturday with this ALC group called Bad Business Model Bikes. They take donated bikes, fix them up and then give them out for free to people who can’t afford bikes or who want to do ALC and can’t buy a bike. I love what they are doing and joined their ALC team! There’s 10 of us on the team so far. Hopefully it will grow. The ride was a super sweet 37 miles and I was pretty much leading the whole time. I loooooved it. I can’t wait to get out and do more rides.

I’ve also reached my $5,000 goal already (in only 5 days!!!). I am so grateful for everyone who has donated and am debating if I want to push my goal to $10,000 or not…

I texted all my friends the link to donate. A lot of them donated and I am so grateful that they did.. Except for ONE person. Jason, I sent him the link and his only reply was “Glad my spam filter is working”; Then a few hours later he said: “Look at that. A 65% increase in just a few hours. Good work.”.. Can he be any more of a jerk? Like is that really the way you are going to reply to your “friend”. I am so done with him. Hopefully this one will stick.

After the ride Derik and I met up with one of the guys from the group at the Vallejo Gay bar. Had a good time but the guy was SUPER leftist. Also he was Mexican but refused to admit he was Mexican and just kept saying he was “native”.

Sunday got up and went to Oakland and did some furniture shopping, found a really nice desk for the new apartment and also ordered all the desk supplies that I’ll need for the new place. Came home after that and just lounged around, took a nap. Had a guy come over and we had some of the hottest sex I’ve had in a long time.. I came three times! He’s pretty hot and seems fun (aka naughty). I hope we can have more fun again. But he is def NOT dating material, he’s way too anal-clean (he used THREE sheets of the lint roller) and he smokes. 🙁

I still think about Suresh a bit, but things are calming down. I don’t obsess over him any more. I still wish he would text or call and I sometimes wonder if I will ever hear from him again. I did have a dream the other night that he showed up at my front door, saying he had decided to move back but his parents kicked him out. He needed a place to stay. I still don’t get how his text to me said: “You were the first person I thought about.” But then, clearly he hasn’t thought about me since then much. I have really had to hold back on texting him. I see stuff that I really want to send him but then I don’t.

I’m really excited about the move to Oakland… I’ve already sold two of my 6 trailers and just debating what to do with the rest of them. Honestly I think at this point, I value my TIME more then I do the money that they are bringing in. The headaches of these stupid people who pick them up too just adds stress that I don’t really need any more in my life. I will probably just sell all 6 of the trailers and be done with the business. The BIG question that I just can’t get over/decide on is what to do with my house…. I really just want to sell it and again be DONE with it. But at the same time. I sort of want to have this fall back place in case Oakland doesn’t work out or whatever. I also look around the house and think to myself, WTF do I do with all this STUFF. I have been selling a lot of it, but still there’s a lot of other stuff left.

So, I’ve signed up for ALC again! I’m super excited for it and I think it’ll be a great thing to get out there and be in the mix and get going. I hope that I can meet some awesome people and some great friends, etc. Please go donate to me!

I’m feeling a bit down today. For some reason I’ve been thinking about Suresh a lot. Haven’t heard from him since Monday when we talked (no surprise). Wonder if he will reach out ever. I am avoiding texting him.

Dom guy said he has too much going on in his life to meet up again right now. So that’s annoying.

Charles messaged me out of the blue. Said he had a bit of “social overload” and needed a break. WTF does that mean? We’ve been texting a bit, but I’m not putting anything into it.

Work has been super busy and I am a bit stressed out. My day today was completely empty when I went to bed last night. Now I have back to back meetings until 3pm.

Why can’t I move on from people who clearly don’t care that much about me? Or maybe I am just expecting too much from people?

After Suresh and I spoke on the phone, I texted him that I had some big news too… I said “we can talk about it after he gets more settled”. He replied that he would be free Sunday to talk. I told him to give me a call any time. Sunday he texts me about 9pm his time: “I took the longest nap ever, but no work tomorrow”. I replied “lol. you’re going to be awake all night now, talk tomorrow”. No reply from him since. So everything is just on his time, his schedule, what he wants to do. But here I am, sitting at home alone, tears in my eyes because he hasn’t reached out. If someone told me, “BTW, I have some big news” I would want to call them RIGHT THEN AND THERE to find out what it was.

Same shit with Jason. Since he left from the trip here, I haven’t heard from him at all. I reached out a few times, asking if we were going to talk. He said yes, but I feel that the ball is in his court. If he doesn’t want to talk, then fine. Whatever.

I just don’t understand. Do I come on too strong? How do I hold back. But at the same time, I’ve MISSED OUT on guys that I was super into because I didn’t move fast enough apparently. (Jenyu, Rannie)

This Dom guy that I went on a date with last week, I really want to see him again. I want to get to know him better. But at the same time, I don’t want to come on too quickly and too much and scare him off. I try to text him and sometimes he seems into chatting, other times not so much. At the end of our first date, he said he wanted a second date… But he won’t COMMIT to a second date.

I’m also still upset about the whole Charles thing, I REALLY want to know what I did wrong with him.

I went on a date with this guy yesterday and he seemed fine when we were chatting but then once we met in person he was SO ANNOYING. He kept asking me like how many guys I had sex with, he kept asking me if I found guys walking around hot or not and then he would make some negative remark when I said yes. We cuddled at home and he wouldn’t sit still… That really made me miss Suresh, he was the PERFECT cuddle buddy. He just laid there, cuddled, talked at the right times.

Saturday I did this nice 45 mile bike ride with this gay group in SF. It was a nice ride but everyone was a bit older.

I am going to try and start signing up for some volunteer work and doing more of these group rides/hikes/etc. I met this guy on grindr literally a few blocks away who is into biking too (in vallejo). It kinda sucks that AS I AM LEAVING I am meeting guys.

I’m still super stressed about what to do with the house itself. I have posted it online and getting a lot of attraction but nothing firm yet.

So, Suresh FINALLY texted me on Thursday. Saying he needed help. I told him to call me later. He called, he got a DUI the day before he left for Iowa. Wanted advice. We talked for 2 hours. The rest of that day, he texted me a lot, but now he’s back to the same shitty texting.

Things have been drastic the past two weeks. I leased an apartment in Downtown Oakland. Should be fun. Moving in 9/1. It’s beautiful.

Need to figure out WTF to do with my house in Vallejo, sell or rent. Not sure yet.

I went on a date with this guy. He showed up and we were wearing MATCHING outfits. Like identical. He’s kinda exactly what I want (based on first date) but he’s a horrible kisser.

I guess my letter and our talk, our time, our months, our intimacy meant NOTHING to him.

Not a peep out of him since Thursday. Do I bother reaching out? Or just let it be. I’m sure he’s been busy saying goodbye to people, packing, the baby. But seriously. NOT ONE WORD.

Fuck that.

Have you even thought about me at all? I haven’t been sleeping, I wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, I lay there thinking about you, wondering what I did wrong. Where I could have made things better. But fuck that, I gave you my all. I gave you everything. If you can’t see what you’re missing out. Then good riddance.

I hate this feeling but I will be stronger, I will grow. I will.