My Life

My Anxiety…

My Anxiety is starting to get to me and it’s really frustrating. I am trying so hard to hold it back but things just creep into my mind. I am always concerned, is he going to end things, will this be the last time I see him. Will he ghost me again.

Things are honestly going great with Charles. I even told my therapist “perfect” for now. He communicates, he wants to see me, we have a good time when we hang out. I am really enjoying our time together. I am really enjoying how sweet and caring he is.

But then, things happen and my anxiety comes back to me. For instance Friday, I know he was busy at work but he barely texted me all day. I know he was AT WORK. But yet, my anxiety freaks out.

Saturday he got off work late and we were going to go to some brewery in Alameda. He texted me and said that it wasn’t worth it now, because he only wanted to go there to show me the sunset. How cute is that? We ended up going to a different brewery and just chilling. He spent the night that night and I really enjoyed it. We still haven’t had sex though. He had to work Sunday morning so we got up at 6am and I made him coffee and he left. He forgot his watch here so I said I would bring it to him at work. He said “no, don’t worry about it, it’s out of your way”; I said “it’s only 10 extra minutes on my way to vallejo, I’ll be there in 20” and he replied “Ok, but only because I want to see you”.

I love that, he says he wants to see me after just spending the whole night together? He said he wants to show me things so that I can see the sunset. Although honestly, I feel like I am not giving him back everything he is giving me and that also concerns me. Am I not being sweet enough? Am I not giving him enough stuff.

He was drunk Saturday night and he was telling me about this guy who’s obsessed with him. He shows up at his work with food for him. He calls him to talk. Etc etc. Honestly, it sort of reminded me of me and Suresh and I wanted to text him and apologize. But the thing is, is this what CHARLES wants? What if he wants someone to bring him dinner at work but I am not doing that for him?

On Thursday Charles and I watched some Filipino comedian, it was pretty hilarious and he mentioned he was going to go see the guy Sunday night in Sacramento. I said: “Oh, too bad there’s no extra ticket, I would love to go”. On Saturday when we hung out he mentioned: “My brother can’t go now, so I invited Eric”. Honestly that made me jealous AF… I mean I know he needs to spend time with his best friend, I am not ready to meet his family yet, etc etc. But yet, I wish he had invited me instead.

Am I getting too invested? Am I getting too involved already and setting myself up for another really tough heart break? Or are things finally starting to look up for me and this might actually lead somewhere? I don’t know and I really don’t want to get too excited about things. But at the same time. I want to make sure I am showing him that I am interested in him and want things to move forward.

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