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My Life

Love Letter to myself

My therapist says I should write a love letter to myself.. I’ve started on it a few times but can never seem to get anywhere. I just don’t know what to write.

Charles and I hung out yesterday, we did a quick hike. He’s such a cute, sweet guy but I just get friends vibes from him which is a bit disappointing. He is also doing the same shit Suresh did where he just doesn’t reply to text messages, etc. I want to ask him but it doesn’t really matter does it? I see that he’s active on Instagram but he ignored my message there. He ignores my texts… I see his phone he has thousands of unread messages… So I’m just lost in the mess I guess.

I know that to have a relationship, I have to focus on being friends with that person first… But I just can’t do that for some reason. I go out a few times, I get attached (lust?) and I just want to be “BF’s”. I just can’t seem to get that transition down from going to being nothing to begin friends to being boy friends. I also can’t just seem to be “just friends” with these people. The only people who seem to see the real me and want to be with me are people who are already fucking married.

I’ve realized that was a huge downfall between me and Darin actually. I was mean to him, pushed him away because my feelings for him were getting too strong. I want to text him and apologize but every time I write something it comes out too self centered. I feel like I should just write him and say “I’m sorry for what happened”. But I always feel it needs more context and explanation. Is “I’m sorry” enough?

We had our first dinner party the other night. Derik, Mark and Mark. I felt it was super awkward. Like is this really what we are doing in life? Is this what is fun for people? I dunno. We sat on the roof and chatted and drank, then came down and had dinner and just sat around the dinner table talking. There was lots of awkward silence and stuff and I guess the one Mark (who my friend Mark brought) was just not into it? They did convince me to buy tickets to this circuit party this weekend but I just don’t know if I want to go or not. It’s not really my thing but I do want to experience it.

Do I love myself? I’m not even sure. What is and what is not fun for me? I am not even sure I know that right now. I watch these videos of people online who moved to Mexico during the pandemic. They talked yesterday in the video about how they have spent the last 15 years traveling to the same spot over and over again because they loved it so much. Now they live there… Is there somewhere like that for me? What do I love so much that I want to do it over and over again? Honestly, nothing. I don’t even love camping that much, I don’t love hiking that much… What DO I love so much that I WANT to do it over and over? Am I even really any good at anything? Sure I can get a lot of stuff done but I’m not GOOD at stuff. I’m not an expert at anything really. I’m just mediocre in life, failure in dating, and not even sure I am a fun person.

I want to message people like Humberto who said they rejected me because I “achieved too much” and they can’t stand up next to me and be like, “LOOK, I’m just a failure, I am just here being boring”. I’m not too much for you. You can be my partner and I’ll be super happy.

All I want in life is someone to be there for me, someone to cook with, someone to be happy with sitting on the couch watching movies, someone to go out hiking with and camping, someone to go sailing. I just want that person I can count on who I can plan trips with.

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