Author: Cj B

10:48:06 PM blackc2004: ben, it doesn’t seem to matter any more. IM, email, whatever. you don’t seem to want to reply.

10:49:03 PM shades20: look, I am going through something really difficult and I don’t know how to deal with it, yet all you ever seem to care about is how it affects you

10:49:13 PM blackc2004: no it is not.

10:49:26 PM blackc2004: I try to talk to you and you enver want to give up any information about what’s going on with you

10:49:45 PM blackc2004: Look at the emails i sent you the other day. I said that if you wanted to talk give me a call.

10:49:48 PM blackc2004: you never replied or anything

10:50:05 PM blackc2004: I’m sorry you’ve got shit going on. but it’s not an excuse to treat us like crap when we are trying to talk to you

10:50:20 PM shades20: who is us?

10:50:51 PM blackc2004: us is me right now. but i know jason is annoyed that you don’t reply to him either. however. i want to make it CLEAR i am not talking for him in any matter

10:53:19 PM shades20: I have been in this daze for two weeks because my mom really hurt me and I found out this week that my grandmom is saying the I can “write her off too” whatever that means and it hurts. I haven’t talked to anyone about because where do I begin. I told you that things were bad and gave you as much as I wanted to talk about, yet I’m being rude

10:54:50 PM blackc2004: Yeah you are being rude because people here are trying to be friendly to you and trying to help you out. But you want none of it. I’m sorry that shit is going bad for you at home. But this is not a way to treat the people who _are_ trying to be nice and who are trying to cheer you up.

10:54:54 PM shades20: Jason is only saying shit because all of his e-mails this week have been to upgrade his flights

10:57:26 PM blackc2004: Well whatever I’m not talking about jason right now. I’m talking about me and how I’m feeling about this situation, because your attitude towards me has really hurt me ever since last friday. And I don’t want to go another 2 weeks with you being out of town feeling like shit and like _I_ did something to you to make you not want to talk to me. I’ve already been told today by my best friend of 5 years that he wants nothing to do with me anymore because he can’t get over his love of me from when we dated 3 years ago… I’ve only been trying to be nice to you and trying to get you to talk to me about whatever or anything. I do think it’s rude of you to just not reply and to cut people out without any explanation. If you had just said. “Look, I need some time to deal with this so I’m not going to be very talkative” then fine. that would have been great. But I’m not liking just being left in the dark.

10:59:13 PM shades20: imagine that were your mom and grandmom saying that to you and would you have the presence of mind to reply to every e-mail you get?

11:00:09 PM blackc2004: Yes, if my friends were trying to email me and talk to me. I would have either replied and been as cheerful as possible or I would have talked to them as soon as it was happening and said. “Look, I need time……”

11:00:18 PM shades20: if you were that worried, why no call?

11:00:52 PM blackc2004: What made me feel like I could call.. If you wouldn’t reply to emails/ims?

11:01:55 PM shades20: well, you didn’t even try…

11:03:57 PM blackc2004: I’m sorry that I didn’t call, I accept that this is partially my fault then. But I just wanted to let you know that this was hurting me, and I didn’t want it to go on any longer.

11:04:58 PM blackc2004: If you need time, then say that now, and I will let you alone until you decide you’re ready to be active in our friendship again.

11:05:27 PM shades20: It is a full time job isn’t it?

11:05:32 PM blackc2004: what is?

11:07:54 PM shades20: I just can’t win with you. I was trying to have fun on Friday, but you knew things were bad at home, yet you still had this attitude becuase I was a little sad.

11:08:32 PM shades20: I asked you for some time when we were together and you assumed it was because I was running

11:09:25 PM shades20: you have this complex that assumes everyone is trying to get away from you

11:09:56 PM shades20: so if anyone else is busy or has a problem, you think it’s because of you

11:10:51 PM shades20: who can break that thought of yours? I can’t. I’m going through something VERY difficult yet I have to explain to a friend why I haven’t been able to put it in an E-MAIL

11:11:42 PM shades20: Diane hasn’t heard from me and she gave me a call to talk about it because it couldn’t be conveyed over a text message

11:12:46 PM shades20: What more can I do? You say tell you if I want time, I do, yet I still become horrible because I don’t put you first

11:15:01 PM blackc2004: First off. You hardly said a WORD to me the entire night Friday. How do I know what’s going on. If you’ve got problems then you need to EXPRESS them to people. You can’t just bottle them up and expect me to know what’s going on. Yes, I knew you weren’t talking to your mother. But how many times has that happened since we’ve known each other. How do I know the extent of what’s going on unless you talk to me? If things were really that bad on friday then that was a perfect time to talk about it, Yet you actually made jokes about it! When we were together, you said you needed time to go running, etc. THUS I assumed you wanted time to go runnning. NEver once did you mention needing time for anything else. And yes, I do feel like everyone is running away from me. Do you know how many people have come and gone from my life in the past year alone? Any idea? … IF YOU don’t tell me why you don’t want to talk to me, I have no idea. THUS I think its’ a fair assumption of me to think that it is me…. And if you really did want to talk about it, the phone works both ways. I already appologized for not calling, but if you hadn’t noticed. I do HATE the phone and I hate callign people. How often do you see me call anyone just to chat?

11:15:17 PM blackc2004: All you have to do right now is to say. “I need time” and I will leave you alone till you come to talk to me.

11:15:24 PM blackc2004: You’ve never once yet said anything like that.

11:15:35 PM blackc2004: You’ve just neglected to respond to anything

11:20:54 PM shades20: if you keep comparing other people to those that left you, everyone will leave. I don’t express feelings over IM or e-mail. I would rather talk to the person. I didn’t talk to you about on friday because you were acting like a baby. The first thing out of your mouth was a complaint, and I believe it was also the last thing. You complained about me not sending you an e-mail. You just can’t seem to comprehend that I work AWAY from a computer all day and do not have time to send an e-mail (although I have told you many times) You expect too much of people and I will never meet your standard of the perfect guy.

11:22:36 PM blackc2004: I was upset friday because I _TRIED_ to do something incredibly nice for you, and you didn’t seem to give a shit

11:22:47 PM shades20: I have been in a state of shock for the past two weeks because I can not understand why my mom is treating me like this and you have been looking for a fight. I don’t know what else to give you, and I can not have this added problem right now.

11:23:08 PM blackc2004: I am NOT looking for a fight. I’m trying to be your fucking friend and you want nothing of it

11:23:12 PM blackc2004: Fine. I will not add to it

11:23:21 PM blackc2004: good night and good bye untill you want to talk again.

11:23:32 PM shades20: everyone is always your enemy

11:23:46 PM shades20: everyone you run in to is always a bad person

11:24:09 PM shades20: you can now add me to that LONG list of your guys you talk about and avoid.

11:24:10 PM blackc2004: Ben, you clearly don’t know me at all if that’s how you feel

11:24:21 PM blackc2004: So what. you’re not ever going to talk to me again now?

11:24:23 PM blackc2004: thanks.

Chris–

First, let me preface this entire thing by saying that I would appreciate it if this stays off of your journal. This is a private matter between the two of us, and I don’t think it needs to be made public, except maybe to say that you’ve heard from me.

You are right, that things have changed. If someone had asked me three years ago what I’d be doing now, I would have said that you and I would be probably getting engaged and finding an apartment together. Obviously, it isn’t like that at all.

The reason that I stopped talking to you is because… well, maybe I don’t have a real reason. Maybe it was that I could never stop thinking of you as the guy who was supposed to be my soul mate, and so that colored all our interactions in a negative light. Maybe I was never able to get over your lying to me about Jon and that whole situation. Maybe I thought it would be easier to just cut you out of my life than deal with our issues.

You have to admit, we have gone back and forth a lot. We dated for a long time, broke up, went through over a year of back and forths, where we never liked each other at the same time. In between all that, we randomly had sex several times, hooked up, and every time with weird results, such as me thinking we should be back together. I think I knew that if we had continued to be friends, we would have continued to do those things. It wasn’t a very good pattern. You explained to me time and time again that you never wanted anything to happen between us. Maybe I wasn’t able to deal with that. As recently as last summer, if you recall, I talked to you about maybe starting something up again.

As it approaches three years since we’ve broken up, it’s still been the hardest thing in my life I have dealt with. I still haven’t met a guy that I’ve been as happy with as I was with you. Even last week, Steve told me that I need to get over you. When we were friends, I guess I always just thought that something would suddenly happen and we’d be the same that we had always been. The way that we were when we were together, I really thought we’d have that always. Reading my old journals really reminded me of how much fun we used to have.

I have no idea what the point of this email was. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. We both did a lot of shit to each other the past three years. It hasn’t been pleasant. For the way things are between us, we are really both to blame.

To sum up, I guess while we were together the thought of you becoming my husband someday was so ingrained in my head that when we weren’t anymore, it just bothered me. When we were hanging out, I would always think “What if, what if we were still together? What would we be doing?” It was really a challenge to deal with. Even now, three years later, it says something that when you write about me in a negative way on your journal it tugs at me emotionally.

In writing this, I think I’ve made myself all sorts of confused. I hope that you will respond positively. And of course, you are welcome to come to my graduation. Susan will be here, and I’m confident she will save a spot for you if you ask her. I’m sure you still have her number, since she did tell you you could call her for anything.

Ok, I think I have said all that I need to say. I await your response. And if you choose to say nothing, I will understand as well. I just wanted you to have your explanation, even if it hardly makes sense.

Always,

Andrew

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Ok, if this is how you feel then that’s how it is. But it sure would have been nice for you to talk to me however many months ago you decided this so we could both decide it. Instead of just up and cutting me out of your life. That’s not very fair. This isn’t how I expected the last part of your time being in Cali to be. But you’ve made the decision without talking to me about it. And based on the complete silence from you for these many months it’s clear that’s how you want it to be. I’m very hurt by this.

You know we were supposed to have been so close, even as friends. I just can’t believe you would just cut me out of your life for any reason at all.

I would have loved to have come to your graduation. But now is a little too late for that.

I honestly don’t know what else to say.

Good luck and Happy Graduation.

Cj B

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I didn’t cut you out of my life for no reason. I stopped talking to you because I could never wrap my head around us not being together. I know thtat it wasn’t right to not say anything to you. But I’ve decided that I need to be more honest in my life, and so I feel this is a step in the right direction. I understand that this doesn’t erase anything. I just thought you had a right to know what I was thinking.

Andrew

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Well I still feel this is a pretty shitty thing for you to do. If you’re going to be more honest in your life. Maybe you should have been more honest with me. It takes time to get over things, cutting people out of your life isn’t the right way to go about it.

But if that’s how you feel then there’s nothing I can say to change it.

I haven’t cried in a really fucking long time, but this crap has sure brought me to tears. You were supposed to be such a great friend….

Goodbye

Cj B

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I am being honest with you Chris. I know I should have done it sooner, but I didn’t and we can’t change that. And there’s a difference between needing time to get over things and still not know what’s going on THREE years later. It has been a really long time for us. And, as I said before, we thought we were going to get married. That isn’t easy to recover from.

My intention is not to make you cry. My intention was to give you an explanation you deserved. I know I’ve apologized a million times for hurting you, but I’ll say it again–I’m sorry. I could easily have never given you an explanation, but I realized that you deserved to hear one after all we’ve been through. Please don’t be upset by all this.

Andrew