First, let me preface this entire thing by saying that I would appreciate it if this stays off of your journal. This is a private matter between the two of us, and I don’t think it needs to be made public, except maybe to say that you’ve heard from me.
You are right, that things have changed. If someone had asked me three years ago what I’d be doing now, I would have said that you and I would be probably getting engaged and finding an apartment together. Obviously, it isn’t like that at all.
The reason that I stopped talking to you is because… well, maybe I don’t have a real reason. Maybe it was that I could never stop thinking of you as the guy who was supposed to be my soul mate, and so that colored all our interactions in a negative light. Maybe I was never able to get over your lying to me about Jon and that whole situation. Maybe I thought it would be easier to just cut you out of my life than deal with our issues.
You have to admit, we have gone back and forth a lot. We dated for a long time, broke up, went through over a year of back and forths, where we never liked each other at the same time. In between all that, we randomly had sex several times, hooked up, and every time with weird results, such as me thinking we should be back together. I think I knew that if we had continued to be friends, we would have continued to do those things. It wasn’t a very good pattern. You explained to me time and time again that you never wanted anything to happen between us. Maybe I wasn’t able to deal with that. As recently as last summer, if you recall, I talked to you about maybe starting something up again.
As it approaches three years since we’ve broken up, it’s still been the hardest thing in my life I have dealt with. I still haven’t met a guy that I’ve been as happy with as I was with you. Even last week, Steve told me that I need to get over you. When we were friends, I guess I always just thought that something would suddenly happen and we’d be the same that we had always been. The way that we were when we were together, I really thought we’d have that always. Reading my old journals really reminded me of how much fun we used to have.
I have no idea what the point of this email was. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. We both did a lot of shit to each other the past three years. It hasn’t been pleasant. For the way things are between us, we are really both to blame.
To sum up, I guess while we were together the thought of you becoming my husband someday was so ingrained in my head that when we weren’t anymore, it just bothered me. When we were hanging out, I would always think “What if, what if we were still together? What would we be doing?” It was really a challenge to deal with. Even now, three years later, it says something that when you write about me in a negative way on your journal it tugs at me emotionally.
In writing this, I think I’ve made myself all sorts of confused. I hope that you will respond positively. And of course, you are welcome to come to my graduation. Susan will be here, and I’m confident she will save a spot for you if you ask her. I’m sure you still have her number, since she did tell you you could call her for anything.
Ok, I think I have said all that I need to say. I await your response. And if you choose to say nothing, I will understand as well. I just wanted you to have your explanation, even if it hardly makes sense.
Ok, if this is how you feel then that’s how it is. But it sure would have been nice for you to talk to me however many months ago you decided this so we could both decide it. Instead of just up and cutting me out of your life. That’s not very fair. This isn’t how I expected the last part of your time being in Cali to be. But you’ve made the decision without talking to me about it. And based on the complete silence from you for these many months it’s clear that’s how you want it to be. I’m very hurt by this.
You know we were supposed to have been so close, even as friends. I just can’t believe you would just cut me out of your life for any reason at all.
I would have loved to have come to your graduation. But now is a little too late for that.
I honestly don’t know what else to say.
Good luck and Happy Graduation.
I didn’t cut you out of my life for no reason. I stopped talking to you because I could never wrap my head around us not being together. I know thtat it wasn’t right to not say anything to you. But I’ve decided that I need to be more honest in my life, and so I feel this is a step in the right direction. I understand that this doesn’t erase anything. I just thought you had a right to know what I was thinking.
Well I still feel this is a pretty shitty thing for you to do. If you’re going to be more honest in your life. Maybe you should have been more honest with me. It takes time to get over things, cutting people out of your life isn’t the right way to go about it.
But if that’s how you feel then there’s nothing I can say to change it.
I haven’t cried in a really fucking long time, but this crap has sure brought me to tears. You were supposed to be such a great friend….
I am being honest with you Chris. I know I should have done it sooner, but I didn’t and we can’t change that. And there’s a difference between needing time to get over things and still not know what’s going on THREE years later. It has been a really long time for us. And, as I said before, we thought we were going to get married. That isn’t easy to recover from.
My intention is not to make you cry. My intention was to give you an explanation you deserved. I know I’ve apologized a million times for hurting you, but I’ll say it again–I’m sorry. I could easily have never given you an explanation, but I realized that you deserved to hear one after all we’ve been through. Please don’t be upset by all this.