Month: July 2001

July 31, 2001

July 31, [Dido, "Thank You"]

Life in my life has sucked today. I don’t really know what it is. I’ve

just been really depressed and everything seems to annoy me really easily.

I’m getting quite fed up with it all. This quote seems to work nicely now:

"Every day it’s the same thing — variety. I want something different."

Nothing seems to really cheer me up any more. Well, there’s something that

would, but I know that’ll never happen. I’m really not looking forward to

going to college this year either, I just don’t know what it is. I’m depressed

yet again. Hopefully it’ll go away soon, I think people are getting annoyed

with my depressed state of mind.

The PU’s came back from vacation today, 5 fucking days early. I hate them.

I had plans for this week, I didn’t want them here. I got home tonight and

the house is already a mess. There’s clothes all over down here and dog

prints on the floor. God Fucking Damn them. I hate my family. Sometimes

I just want to shoot them in thier sleep. Life would be better then.

Grrr. Just generally bad times.

July 30, 2001 #4

July 30, #4 [Collective Soul, "Where The River Flows"]

Well today after I wrote that last update Adam, Ang and I went to DM to

schedule a hair cut appointment with for Ang. While we were in there there

was like this 12 year old kid that was so gay. Well Adam pointed him out

and we were talking about him, and I said something like, "What because

you can’t decide" and he informed me that he had decided, which was

news to me. As far as I was informed he was still in that questioning state.

Well this news just made me really sad. If he’s decided then why, why has

everything that’s happened happen? We started this as a break until he was

able to decide, but now he’s decided and broken it off completely? I just

don’t get it. grrrr.

July 30, 2001 #3

July 30, #3 [David Gray, "Please Forgive Me"]

So Adam and Ang are here now. We highlighted me hair. It’s cool. We also

tried Adam’s hair, but it didn’t work out as well. But yeah. It’s good times.

I don’t really know what the point of this update is, I just felt like writing

something here. But yeah, we’re supposed to be going somewhere here soon.

July 30, 2001 #2

July 30, #2 [John Denver, "Leaving On A Jet Plane"]

What I really don’t get right now is that Adam said he broke our relationship

off cause he felt wierd about what happened between us. Yet today he said,

"I’m gay" and he does that alot, he refers to himself as "for

sure" bi / gay. I don’t understand how he can keep doing that and say

that he’s questioning? Is he really? What’s going on in his head? And another

thing is he keeps making references to what happened, things that only he

or I would know. And all of the references it seems as though he really

enjoyed what happened. How could he have been / be so sure. And yet say

that he doesn’t know. Is it just a face he puts up to be able to hang around

with us? Does he feel that if he says, "Well I don’t really know right

now" that we’ll not like him, or that he’ll hurt someone? He won’t,

it’s best to be who you are. I don’t know, sometimes I just get these feelings

from him, these vibes that I can’t explain at all. Bad vibes. I wish I knew

more about what he’s questioning. Maybe we could help. We’ve all been through

the same period. When I was younger I had lots of problems with dealing

with it. I had no one to turn to, or at least I thought I didn’t. I wish

I had the support groups that he does now, I wish I had the resources. I

wish I had knew that most of my friends were. I think High School would

have been so much better.

To love someone is something…but to be loved by the one you love is *everything*.