Month: July 2001

July 24, 2001 #2

July 24, #2 [O Town, "Baby I Would"]

Alright, so I’m getting ready for a switch over to blogger and fateback.

I’ve got most of my pages switched over to the new format and templates

so I’m thinking I’m about ready to go once I figure out the archives in

Blogger and a way to implement them with the current system that I have.

So yeah, get ready for the move, and also be patient if there’s any down

time in the pages.

In other news, Adam, Ang, and I hung out tonight. We started the nights

at Ang’s. Just me and her. Adam got there about 8. I was trying really hard

to hold back tears. A few of them got out, but all in all it was fair times

there. We watched, "What Women Want." It’s an ok movie, it moved

a little slow for me though. Adam and I had a talk there, and that was nice.

There’s still alot that we need to talk about. But it was really nice to

talk to him there. One of the things that I still need to talk with him

about is what are we going to do for now. I mean obviously we’re going to

be around each other during this time that he’s taking to find himself.

But if we keep going like we have been the last two days, I’m going to go

insane. If we’re going to be in a relationship yet. I would like to be able

to at least hold hands while we’re out, or hug and stuff. But if he’s going

to be uncomfortalbe with that, or thinks that that won’t help him, then

I’m also fine with giving that up some. Or at least for the time being.

I don’t realy know how long I’d be able to do this. But at the same time

I know he has to have his time, it’s not an overnight process, and I don’t

want to push him at all. And I also don’t want this relationship to end.

I feel as though I’m being selfish. By asking if I can hold his hand or

hug him in public while he’s in this time of his life.

Ok well after the movie we went out to the loop, we ran into Ben from our

HS there. He’s not gay but he was down there and that really freaked me

out. I felt really out of place down there tonight. I don’t know what’s

up. I’ve felt out of place in most places lately. I felt out of place at

Angie’s, I felt out of place when we were at Adam’s for that short amount

of time, I felt out of place at the loop. I’m thinking that vacation would

do me good right now, or maybe just a hermatage, ( I think that’s the word

I’m looking for ). But I really need the money, so I don’t think that I’ll

go on vacation with my family. I don’t really know what’s been wrong with

me lately. Well not even lately. Actually, I’ve felt out of it for a long time. Like I don’t really belong here. Like sometimes, people just hang

out with me cause I’m there. Or that people just call me cause they want

someone else there, not cause I’m fun to be around, or cause they really

like me for who I am. I also feel as though I’ve been a total asshole to

people over like the last week or so, especially to the person that means

the most to me right now. I so don’t want to lose anyone. Things in life

just haven’t been going my way lately, and I feel really bad.

July 24, 2001

July 24, [O Town, "All Or Nothing"]

Well you know how just before you go to bed you seem to have the best ideas

for writing. Well last night was one of those nights and I should have written

this update before I went to bed. Adam and I were at the mall yesterday

and we were sitting on those big comfy couches. He had been acting kinda

wierd yesterday. He didn’t hug me when I came into his house, hell he barly

acknowledged that I was there. Then while we were at the mall he just didn’t

want to be touched at all. He was just out of it totally. But ok back to

the big couch. We were sitting there and I say to him, "We need to

talk sometime" and he asked, "Good or bad?" and I said, "Good."

and that was that. We got up from there and walked around some more.

After that we left. On the ride home he asked me about the other day, and

weather I liked what was happening in our relationship. I told him I was

very happy in our relationship. Even though I feel as though I haven’t even

had that much of a roll in our relationship. I’ve kinda taken a hands off

approach to it. I’ve done that cause I was letting him move at the pace

that he felt comfortable, or at least I thought I was. I knew that he was

"new" to it all. You know you can’t just go, OMG I’m gay and then

jump in bed with some guy and expect to totally enjoy it. It’s going to

feel wierd at first, cause you’ve been told that it’s wrong all these years.

I didn’t feel wierd in our relationship because I’ve had like most of my

life to adjust to the fact that I’m gay. But I felt I was giving him the

space and time to adjust to it. I feel now though that maybe I shouldn’t

have. Maybe I should have played a more active roll. I would have liked

that better, I mean I’m very happy in the relationship that we had. But

I’ve been in it from the back seat. Anyway, he started talking about how

he’s just been really depressed lately, and he’s felt wierd in our relationship

and with what’s been happening. He also said that saturday after I left

he was home alone and he got to thinking about how he’s going to be really

lonely once everyone leaves and that he’s been crying because Ang will be

so far away. Now, I really suck at the whole counseling thing, but I tried.

I mean it’s not like he’s ogint to be totally alone, Julian and I will be

in Ames, Xak will be in Ankeny, and Ang, well he can e-mail Ang. But there’s

also his friends from school, once school starts he’ll be talking with them

alot more.

But he said that he just wants space right now to figure out where in his

life he’s going. Basically. So we’re taking a break in our relationship.

Which really hurts me, I really like Adam. When I said that we needed to

talk, I was going to tell him something else. Something that, well. But

I can understand that he needs his space. I’ve had most of my life to adjust

to this, being gay. And I can understand that it might feel wierd being

with your bf for the first time, even just hugging and kissing. I felt a

little wierd at first when we were cuddling or even when he tried to hug

me, but I got comfortable with it. I took my time, but now I can do that.

I feel also though that maybe I should have stopped somethings. That maybe

I let him go to far.

July 23, 2001

July 23, [Phil Collins, “We Wait And We Wonder”]

Well tonight hasn’t been good. I went out with Adam and Ang. When I got

to Adam’s place he was being a little wierd. He didn’t hug me or great me

when I came in the door. He just laid there. Then we went out and he was

just out of it all night. He didn’t want to be touched, or anything. So

I knew something was up. But I didn’t know what. Well Ang left and it was

just me and him. WE walked around the mall some and before we left we were

sitting on the couches that are there. We were just talking and I said "Sometime

we need to talk." Well on the way home, he asked me how I felt after

the whole thing on Saturday. And I was like, well i really enjoyed it. And

I was like, how’d you feel. He said that he felt kinda wierd and he was

talking about how Ang and everyone was leaving. He also said that he’s been

really emotional lately. But we talked about it, and he said he wanted to

back off some. And I’m cool with that, I’m all up for giving him room and

letting him think for a while about where he wants to go in his life. I’m

really all cool with that and with him. But what makes me really sad is

that he called me his "best friend." That hurt. After what we

shared on saturday. I can kinda understand it, but still. When I said that

we needed to talk. I was going to tell him that I loved him. And I fell

that I really do. But back to the whole space thing. I told him that I would

support him in any choise that he makes and that I understand about him

needing space. I’ve had like 8 years now to think about it. He’s had like

litteraly months before he was put into this, and within weeks of him coming

out, he had a Bf, me. I can understand that he needs space, and I’m more

then willing to give it to him. But at the same time, I don’t want to be

left hanging in space not knowing where our relationship is going in the

long run of things.

July 22, 2001

July 22, Ok well i’m here at my G&G’s but i wanted to write this update before i forgot everything that’s happened in the last couple days. Well friday night i went over to zach’s cause that’s where we were meeting everyone. that was fun. we started out playing pool and then adam wanted to go hot tubbing, so ang and zach went there, i hadn’t brought my swim suit and i didn’t want to go naked so i didn’t go. i got alot of heat bout that, but oh well. i don’t really care. adam and xak both went naked and then adam got out and ran around naked in the back yard. i got a nice look at his ass, hehe, little did i know i’d get a closer look at it the next morning. but yeah. he did that and then we went inside and everyone changed and adam, ang, and i left to go over to adam’s house.

we got there and we wanted to watch movies, adam didn’t have anything good, so we went over to leah’s house and found some, we got nightmare before christmas and some other one, but we didn’t get around to watching it. but we watched it and had fun. it’s such a great movie. then about 2 am or so we went to bed. it started out, i was nedxt to the wall, adam was in the middle and angie was on the edge. well we tried that for a while, but adam got to hot, so adam and ang switched spots. i didn’t like that as much, but adam was hot, so yeah. it worked. i dunno. well we laid like that for a while, and of course no one got to sleep cause we kept talking about random things. then i had to get up to go to the bathroom and when i got back i found my spot occupied so i was on the edge of the bed. i liked it there better anyhow, so i slept. i don’t know when they got to sleep or anything. but yeah. i got some sleep.

i woke up about 9 or so to find adam laying next to me, that kinda freaked me out, but it was nice. i wraped my arms around him and went back to sleep cause ang didn’t have to leave tell 10:30. then about 10:20 or so i woke up again and i looked over and there was adam looking at me. it was so cute. i wanted to kiss him, but i had baaaaad morning breath, so i didn’t. lol. then the alarm went off so we all got out of bed and angie got her stuff and left.

after ang left adam and i were like, ok what now. well we got online and did some random stuff there. checked e-mail you know the normal stuff. then adam reached over and undid my belt and took it off. then he laid his head on my lap and we just sat there like that for a bit, listening to music. after a bit i was like, lets go in and sit on the couch, so adam put together a play list consisting of wonderwall and a few other songs that fit the mood very well. we went and laid on the couch, he had his arms wrapped around me and we were just laying there. he reached down and felt me though my pants, he was like you go boy. lol, it was funny. then he reached down and un zipped my pants. then we just laid there kissing a bit and hugging and talking.

July 20, 2001 #2

july 20 #2 [train, "it’s about you"] ok well i lied, one more update.

Horoscopes are right sometimes aren’t then? My horoscope for today: "In

the afternoon you make a lucky guess and win/ By keeping a secret, a close

freindship is created. Take nothing for granted in love and you will be extremly

lucky" Adam’s horoscope for today: "A mature love interest isn’t

sure how to win you favor. You’re delegated family matter; approch with caution.

Although intimidating, your knwoledge is sexy to new partners."