July 24, [O Town, "All Or Nothing"]
Well you know how just before you go to bed you seem to have the best ideas
for writing. Well last night was one of those nights and I should have written
this update before I went to bed. Adam and I were at the mall yesterday
and we were sitting on those big comfy couches. He had been acting kinda
wierd yesterday. He didn’t hug me when I came into his house, hell he barly
acknowledged that I was there. Then while we were at the mall he just didn’t
want to be touched at all. He was just out of it totally. But ok back to
the big couch. We were sitting there and I say to him, "We need to
talk sometime" and he asked, "Good or bad?" and I said, "Good."
and that was that. We got up from there and walked around some more.
After that we left. On the ride home he asked me about the other day, and
weather I liked what was happening in our relationship. I told him I was
very happy in our relationship. Even though I feel as though I haven’t even
had that much of a roll in our relationship. I’ve kinda taken a hands off
approach to it. I’ve done that cause I was letting him move at the pace
that he felt comfortable, or at least I thought I was. I knew that he was
"new" to it all. You know you can’t just go, OMG I’m gay and then
jump in bed with some guy and expect to totally enjoy it. It’s going to
feel wierd at first, cause you’ve been told that it’s wrong all these years.
I didn’t feel wierd in our relationship because I’ve had like most of my
life to adjust to the fact that I’m gay. But I felt I was giving him the
space and time to adjust to it. I feel now though that maybe I shouldn’t
have. Maybe I should have played a more active roll. I would have liked
that better, I mean I’m very happy in the relationship that we had. But
I’ve been in it from the back seat. Anyway, he started talking about how
he’s just been really depressed lately, and he’s felt wierd in our relationship
and with what’s been happening. He also said that saturday after I left
he was home alone and he got to thinking about how he’s going to be really
lonely once everyone leaves and that he’s been crying because Ang will be
so far away. Now, I really suck at the whole counseling thing, but I tried.
I mean it’s not like he’s ogint to be totally alone, Julian and I will be
in Ames, Xak will be in Ankeny, and Ang, well he can e-mail Ang. But there’s
also his friends from school, once school starts he’ll be talking with them
alot more.
But he said that he just wants space right now to figure out where in his
life he’s going. Basically. So we’re taking a break in our relationship.
Which really hurts me, I really like Adam. When I said that we needed to
talk, I was going to tell him something else. Something that, well. But
I can understand that he needs his space. I’ve had most of my life to adjust
to this, being gay. And I can understand that it might feel wierd being
with your bf for the first time, even just hugging and kissing. I felt a
little wierd at first when we were cuddling or even when he tried to hug
me, but I got comfortable with it. I took my time, but now I can do that.
I feel also though that maybe I should have stopped somethings. That maybe
I let him go to far.