My Life

July 24, 2001 #2

July 24, #2 [O Town, "Baby I Would"]

Alright, so I’m getting ready for a switch over to blogger and fateback.

I’ve got most of my pages switched over to the new format and templates

so I’m thinking I’m about ready to go once I figure out the archives in

Blogger and a way to implement them with the current system that I have.

So yeah, get ready for the move, and also be patient if there’s any down

time in the pages.

In other news, Adam, Ang, and I hung out tonight. We started the nights

at Ang’s. Just me and her. Adam got there about 8. I was trying really hard

to hold back tears. A few of them got out, but all in all it was fair times

there. We watched, "What Women Want." It’s an ok movie, it moved

a little slow for me though. Adam and I had a talk there, and that was nice.

There’s still alot that we need to talk about. But it was really nice to

talk to him there. One of the things that I still need to talk with him

about is what are we going to do for now. I mean obviously we’re going to

be around each other during this time that he’s taking to find himself.

But if we keep going like we have been the last two days, I’m going to go

insane. If we’re going to be in a relationship yet. I would like to be able

to at least hold hands while we’re out, or hug and stuff. But if he’s going

to be uncomfortalbe with that, or thinks that that won’t help him, then

I’m also fine with giving that up some. Or at least for the time being.

I don’t realy know how long I’d be able to do this. But at the same time

I know he has to have his time, it’s not an overnight process, and I don’t

want to push him at all. And I also don’t want this relationship to end.

I feel as though I’m being selfish. By asking if I can hold his hand or

hug him in public while he’s in this time of his life.

Ok well after the movie we went out to the loop, we ran into Ben from our

HS there. He’s not gay but he was down there and that really freaked me

out. I felt really out of place down there tonight. I don’t know what’s

up. I’ve felt out of place in most places lately. I felt out of place at

Angie’s, I felt out of place when we were at Adam’s for that short amount

of time, I felt out of place at the loop. I’m thinking that vacation would

do me good right now, or maybe just a hermatage, ( I think that’s the word

I’m looking for ). But I really need the money, so I don’t think that I’ll

go on vacation with my family. I don’t really know what’s been wrong with

me lately. Well not even lately. Actually, I’ve felt out of it for a long time. Like I don’t really belong here. Like sometimes, people just hang

out with me cause I’m there. Or that people just call me cause they want

someone else there, not cause I’m fun to be around, or cause they really

like me for who I am. I also feel as though I’ve been a total asshole to

people over like the last week or so, especially to the person that means

the most to me right now. I so don’t want to lose anyone. Things in life

just haven’t been going my way lately, and I feel really bad.

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