Chris' Site

My therapist says I need a new life story…

I’ve worked so hard to achieve everything that I have, we talked about pillars of life. I have every pillar in life. I have a good job, healthy income, I’m cute, smart, funny (ish), adventurous, sweet, kind. Etc etc. The only thing I’m missing is a partner to do life with. I’m so hyper focused on this one pillar, the one thing that I cannot fully control. I put so much of my effort and energy into this.

We talked about my family, how no one ever says “I love you”.

Blah blah blah. I started this with plans to write a lot (at 8am), it’s now 5pm and I haven’t had time to write anything and now I have to get going. Maybe an update tomorrow.

My mind just keeps going back over and over. The What ifs..

What if – He didn’t ghost me for that month
What if – I wasn’t Poz
What if – On Saturday I had said “Let’s be boyfriends”
What if – On Monday I spent the night
What if – On Wednesday I said “Let’s meet in person”
What if – I had fought for him more
What if – I brought him more gifts

It had only really been a month, but a month of seeing each other nearly every day. A month of texting and calling. I month with a trip together. A month with him starting to talk about further out future things. A month in which he said: “I know we’ll still be talking in March”.

With Army and Suresh, I was sad when things ended there. But they were 100% one way, they were never interested in me and I was just pushing it along, up hill. With Charles things flowed, he called me, he texted me. He started things. Things went both ways, I was getting attached to him. I was starting to get feelings for him and now it’s back to square one. Back to swiping, back to boring endless conversations about “what do you do for work”. Back to not having anything to look forward to during the day.

With Charles, I always looked forward to his face popping up on my phone, him calling me on his way home from work. I hate talking on the phone. With him, I looked forward to it.

I know this was all beyond my control, I know I could never compete with Eric. But I just wish something more could have happened. I wish Charles would call me and say ‘I screwed up, Eric and I are better as just friends. I care about you more’.

Since Friday I’ve just been randomly breaking down crying. I hate this feeling, I hate that I get so attached so quickly. But it’s just that when I make a connection, I make a strong connection.

I know I’ll get over it, I know I’ll be fine. I know I’m a strong man. I know I’m an amazing catch of a husband. But I’m still sad, I’m still sick of the rejections. I’m still sad that after all the trying after everything I’ve done. I can’t get anyone to love me for me. I can’t get anyone to reciprocate those feelings I have.

In other news…

I texted Darin, we last spoke in June 2020: “Darin, I know it’s been a while since we talked and we didn’t depart on very friendly terms. I just wanted to apologize and say I’m sorry for the way I treated you the last few times we hung out. I didn’t treat you with the love and respect that I have for you. I’ve cared about you as a great friend all these years and I didn’t mean to hurt you. Hope all is well with you. With love, Chris. ”

His reply: “I appreciate the message. The way you behaved the last two times we hung out were unacceptable and I’m glad that we had some distance. I hope you’ve sorted out some things since then.”

So clearly he’s not ready to move on or mend bridges. I was falling for him back then, AGAIN, and I was very mean to him. It was the only way I could protect myself at the time.

I reached out to this guy James. Gym Husband had introduced me to him a while ago but we never met because he lives in San Jose and I was in Vallejo, he was one of the many people who said “too far”. So I told him I’m in oakland now and asked if he would be up for meeting. His reply: “Maybe”. WTF is maybe.

I’m also feeling pretty down about “friends”. I have these friends Mark, Brian, Jonathan, Mike, etc. These are people that I hang out with relatively frequently. I always think we have fun when we hang out. These are all “friends” not your typical gay “we’re friends but we fucked previously”. But what frustrates me is that I am always the one who initiates the hang out. They are always out doing stuff but I never get the invite. I don’t understand why.

Derik and I were out at dinner this weekend and this gay couple came in and sat at the table next to us. It was clearly a first date/meeting cause they started out asking “So what do you do for work” type questions. Then they progressed to workout questions and one guy asked “how many pull ups can you do”. He said he could only do 10. Then they started talking about how often they vacuum their apartments. Is this really what dating is about. Ugh.

I know you’ll never see this. But I miss you so much already. I miss your smile, your smell, your skin, the touch of your hands in mine. I miss holding you all night, your head on my shoulder.

I wish we had more time, I wish we had met earlier and you could have gotten to know me better. I was looking forward to many trips with you. Going to Vegas in March. Hanging out with you. Holding you.

I know you’ll be happy with Eric and I’m glad you two figured it out. But it hurts me so much. I was really falling for you and once I have these feelings. They never go away.

You’re an amazing guy and have so much ahead of you. I hope you don’t let anyone hold you back from that. I hope Eric encourages you to explore, grow and be youRself. I hope for you he can provide what you want in a relationship.

I wish we could have talked more…. But I know there’s no point. I could see it from th first time the three of us hung out. You two had something more then friendship. I can’t compete with him and I wished we could have become as close as the two of you.

I wish you the happiest. Please invite me to your wedding. Maybe this time you’ll say yes when he proposes to you in the Philippines.

With love,
Chris

So short ago, I wrote a post “Hi, Chris”… Now I’m writing, “Goodbye Charles”.

He dumped me last night. For his BFF. The two of them are going to date.

I’m super sad, but honestly I knew this was coming. He did it in a nice way. He was sweet about it, he cried.

I don’t want to write anything more about it right now. Maybe later.

Jason was right all these years. Calling me “Crazy Chris”… I can’t get out of my own way when things are going well. I fuck up everything.

Things with Charles are/were great. We had that amazing weekend. Then yesterday, we were having a good day. He went out with his “Best Friend”. Who happens to be in love with him. Charles didn’t reply to one message since they went to dinner last night. We ended out conversations by saying “let me know how ur evening goes”. I was expecting him to call or text me good night at least. But nothing. Not a peep. I sent him a pic of Derik, Jonathan and I at dinner. No message.

I checked his phone location. I honestly hate that he shared that with me, it’s causing me more anxiety then it did not knowing. He was at some random location in Concord. It looks like there’s apartments there. Did he spend the night with his best friend, or was he spending the night with some hookup.

I sent him a text at 11pm. “I’m gonna be honest. When you and I are together you’re always Twp lying back to Eric. But when you two are together you completely ignore me. Im not asking for a ton of conversation. Just at least an acknowledgment would be nice”. Fucking idiot.. Why did you send that?

When we were at the gym Monday, he was constantly texting someone else. (I assume it was his best friend). But who knows. The fact he’s still on grindr is driving me nuts.

Things are going so well, now my anxiety is fucking me over. Getting in my fucking way. Just let it be, just let it “flow”. Just let things happen and stop fucking being crazy chris.

He’s at work now this morning, still no good morning, no reply from last night. Nothing. WTF. I hate this feeling. My day is packed with meetings but all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry.

I feel like it’s ending already. I feel like I fucked it up and now we can’t be better or grow more. I want to just run away. I want to just be happy, I want to have a nice relationship and just not be anxious all the fuckig time about every little thing. I thought we were getting there but now I am not sure.

My friends are saying I need to get back on grindr, tinder, whatever and have a backup, have someone else to keep my occupied. But I don’t know if I can do that. In my mind, if I’m dating someone else, fucking someone else, then it applies to Charles as well and makes me even more crazy about him out there doing the same.

I just want to not be like this. I just want to be happy that I have what I have.