My Life

The “What If’s”

My mind just keeps going back over and over. The What ifs..

What if – He didn’t ghost me for that month
What if – I wasn’t Poz
What if – On Saturday I had said “Let’s be boyfriends”
What if – On Monday I spent the night
What if – On Wednesday I said “Let’s meet in person”
What if – I had fought for him more
What if – I brought him more gifts

It had only really been a month, but a month of seeing each other nearly every day. A month of texting and calling. I month with a trip together. A month with him starting to talk about further out future things. A month in which he said: “I know we’ll still be talking in March”.

With Army and Suresh, I was sad when things ended there. But they were 100% one way, they were never interested in me and I was just pushing it along, up hill. With Charles things flowed, he called me, he texted me. He started things. Things went both ways, I was getting attached to him. I was starting to get feelings for him and now it’s back to square one. Back to swiping, back to boring endless conversations about “what do you do for work”. Back to not having anything to look forward to during the day.

With Charles, I always looked forward to his face popping up on my phone, him calling me on his way home from work. I hate talking on the phone. With him, I looked forward to it.

I know this was all beyond my control, I know I could never compete with Eric. But I just wish something more could have happened. I wish Charles would call me and say ‘I screwed up, Eric and I are better as just friends. I care about you more’.

Since Friday I’ve just been randomly breaking down crying. I hate this feeling, I hate that I get so attached so quickly. But it’s just that when I make a connection, I make a strong connection.

I know I’ll get over it, I know I’ll be fine. I know I’m a strong man. I know I’m an amazing catch of a husband. But I’m still sad, I’m still sick of the rejections. I’m still sad that after all the trying after everything I’ve done. I can’t get anyone to love me for me. I can’t get anyone to reciprocate those feelings I have.

In other news…

I texted Darin, we last spoke in June 2020: “Darin, I know it’s been a while since we talked and we didn’t depart on very friendly terms. I just wanted to apologize and say I’m sorry for the way I treated you the last few times we hung out. I didn’t treat you with the love and respect that I have for you. I’ve cared about you as a great friend all these years and I didn’t mean to hurt you. Hope all is well with you. With love, Chris. ”

His reply: “I appreciate the message. The way you behaved the last two times we hung out were unacceptable and I’m glad that we had some distance. I hope you’ve sorted out some things since then.”

So clearly he’s not ready to move on or mend bridges. I was falling for him back then, AGAIN, and I was very mean to him. It was the only way I could protect myself at the time.

I reached out to this guy James. Gym Husband had introduced me to him a while ago but we never met because he lives in San Jose and I was in Vallejo, he was one of the many people who said “too far”. So I told him I’m in oakland now and asked if he would be up for meeting. His reply: “Maybe”. WTF is maybe.

I’m also feeling pretty down about “friends”. I have these friends Mark, Brian, Jonathan, Mike, etc. These are people that I hang out with relatively frequently. I always think we have fun when we hang out. These are all “friends” not your typical gay “we’re friends but we fucked previously”. But what frustrates me is that I am always the one who initiates the hang out. They are always out doing stuff but I never get the invite. I don’t understand why.

Derik and I were out at dinner this weekend and this gay couple came in and sat at the table next to us. It was clearly a first date/meeting cause they started out asking “So what do you do for work” type questions. Then they progressed to workout questions and one guy asked “how many pull ups can you do”. He said he could only do 10. Then they started talking about how often they vacuum their apartments. Is this really what dating is about. Ugh.

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