My Life

I am Crazy…

Jason was right all these years. Calling me “Crazy Chris”… I can’t get out of my own way when things are going well. I fuck up everything.

Things with Charles are/were great. We had that amazing weekend. Then yesterday, we were having a good day. He went out with his “Best Friend”. Who happens to be in love with him. Charles didn’t reply to one message since they went to dinner last night. We ended out conversations by saying “let me know how ur evening goes”. I was expecting him to call or text me good night at least. But nothing. Not a peep. I sent him a pic of Derik, Jonathan and I at dinner. No message.

I checked his phone location. I honestly hate that he shared that with me, it’s causing me more anxiety then it did not knowing. He was at some random location in Concord. It looks like there’s apartments there. Did he spend the night with his best friend, or was he spending the night with some hookup.

I sent him a text at 11pm. “I’m gonna be honest. When you and I are together you’re always Twp lying back to Eric. But when you two are together you completely ignore me. Im not asking for a ton of conversation. Just at least an acknowledgment would be nice”. Fucking idiot.. Why did you send that?

When we were at the gym Monday, he was constantly texting someone else. (I assume it was his best friend). But who knows. The fact he’s still on grindr is driving me nuts.

Things are going so well, now my anxiety is fucking me over. Getting in my fucking way. Just let it be, just let it “flow”. Just let things happen and stop fucking being crazy chris.

He’s at work now this morning, still no good morning, no reply from last night. Nothing. WTF. I hate this feeling. My day is packed with meetings but all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry.

I feel like it’s ending already. I feel like I fucked it up and now we can’t be better or grow more. I want to just run away. I want to just be happy, I want to have a nice relationship and just not be anxious all the fuckig time about every little thing. I thought we were getting there but now I am not sure.

My friends are saying I need to get back on grindr, tinder, whatever and have a backup, have someone else to keep my occupied. But I don’t know if I can do that. In my mind, if I’m dating someone else, fucking someone else, then it applies to Charles as well and makes me even more crazy about him out there doing the same.

I just want to not be like this. I just want to be happy that I have what I have.

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