Category: My Life

I am just never going to find someone who loves me the way that I want to be loved.

I’ve said it a million times before. I just want someone whoo talks to me, who flirts with me, who wants to share their life with me.

This past weekend we were in San Diego for thanksgiving with Hut and Sean. it was a FUN weekend. Thanksgiving was nice, we did some fun stuff. I felt back that Sean cooked and cleaned everything but when I kept offering to help he said no.

While we were down there, Charles was clearly texting someone on instagram constantly and also chatting with Eric non-stop. He barely talked to me, told me about anything, etc.

It seems that our relationship is just 100% about just being near each other and we aren’t compatible in any other way. We don’t have those cut chats, we don’t share laughs very often, we don’t have time to go out and do things together that we both want to do.

On the drive home he was driving and I wanted to do one of those cute relationship games. One of the questions was “Describe a sexual fantasy”… I went first and told him that mine is for him to tie me up, gag me, and just edge me for hours. He kept saying “I don’t know”; “I don’t know”. And I said to him, “one thing you always bring up is that you want to have more sexual experiences”, so surely he has something he wants to try. Well finally he said he wants to “find a bottom and just use him”. But the way he said it, he wanted to find some random guy on like grindr.

This really hurt me, like the FIRST thing you can think of is fucking someone else. When our own sex life it pretty boring/non-existant and you just want to go fuck someone else.

Then we started talking about Hut and Sean and how their lives primarily consist of just hanging out at home, watching tv and then going on trips. I know that Hut and Sean love each other, but I could never have a relationship like they do where Hut comes home and goes to the room and watches TV all night separately. I want a partner where we watch TV together, where we hang out.

He said something along the lines of that he still wants to go out a lot and he wants to “experience things”, etc. And that just ended it for me. We’ve talked so much about what we want and where we want to go and none of this has come up int he past.

we didn’t even speak for the last hour of the trip, we got home and didn’t speak. At one point he left his phone on the bed and it was unlocked, I looked and found the instagram guy. He’s DEF flirting with this guy. I went back and it’s someone he was chatting with back in September, 2021. Back when he and I were first starting, then went through the whole Eric phase. Just in the past month they have “reconnected” and had been flirting a lot. And Charles is sending him messaged in the way that _I_ want him too se send me messages. He was flirting with him about “ok, settle a debate, pecan or pumpkin”. And telling him about all kinds of stuff, like how he “prefers ham over Turkey and there was no cranberry sauce at thanksginvg’ never once did he mention any of that to me. He’s also been replying quickly to this guys messages.

When _I_ send him stuff he just flat out ignores me.

I also saw a popup from Eric saying he needs to “save his money for the phillipines trip”. So does that mean he invited Eric to our phillipines trip next year without even asking me? That would be a MAJOR NO FUCKING WAY. I am not going to spend two fucking weeks traveling with a guy who won’t even talk to me.

I sent him a big message today basically saying that he needs to figure the fuck out what he wants an if this relationship is what he wants or not. He said he was going to go have dinner with gwenn tonight and discuss it. So tonight could either be the turning point to fix shit or it could really be the end of this relationship.

I’m so sick of this up and down shit. I just want him to fucking love me, to care about me, to flirt with me, to have sex with me. TO treat me like he ACTUALLY CARES about me instead of just some guy he lives with and who takes care of him.

I hired Hudson property management in July, 2021 to manage 78 units. By July 2022 they had lost me over $100k in rent income. They are terrible property managers who allowed multiple people to get 6-8 months behind on rent racking up over $40,000 in delinquency even after I pushed them multiple times to start eviction processes. They failed at just the basics of property management, collecting rent.

They are also terrible at turning units and getting them prepped for new tenants. When I terminated Hudson property there were 6 units vacant units which had been vacant for months with Matt saying he was having a “very tough time” finding tenants. I posted the 6 units online on a Monday and by Friday had signed leases and deposits in hand.

I’ve had tenant after tenant tell me horror stories about how they failed to reply to messages. I had one tenant who said they were without hot water for a month (and showed me text messages a proof). There was a tenant who moved into a unit which was dirty and had no appliances. Another tenant who had a pipe freeze and flood their apartment, Matt removed all the carpet and left them with no flooring for months. Another tenant had their thermoostat break and Matt’s fix for over a year was to just “turn the breaker off”, a $15 replacement is all it took to repair the unit. Another tenant had a broken window for over a year.

Rents were adjusted DOWN from where they were when we transitioned them. Multiple units had been adjusted down $50-100/month In their management system compared to the leases rates. Why would you ever adjust tenant rents DOWN unless there were some sort of nefarious actions going on.

When it came time to transition away, the security deposit registers didn’t match the accounts and there was over $4,000 missing in security deposits.

The quality of my units deteriorated over the course of a year due to poor management by Hudson, I lost tons of money in rent income due to their inability to collect rents and turn units in a timely manner.

I would stay FAR AWAY from Hudson property management!

Things have been getting better. He’s been initiating more sex, talking more, etc. But things just aren’t enough.

Last night, we were sitting here eating dinner. He asked “How was your day” and before I could even answer he opened TikTok and started scrolling through it.

I cook for us every night, he rarely does dishes. Dishes have been sitting in the sink for 2 days now. Instead of getting his ass out of bed this morning, he set an alarm for 8am and then laid in bed until 10am. So now the dishes will sit there all day today. He works tonight, so I’ll come home from work and will end up having to do them.

Same with laundry. I put two loads in the wash/dryer over the past few days. They are still sitting in the fucking dryer. He just doesn’t help, doesn’t do shit around the house.

When we first moved in, he was all about “Thursdays are cleaning day” and the was all about keeping the house clean. Now it seems to just 100% fall on me.

I want to go to san Diego for thanksgiving to see Sean and Hut. He can’t commit. I want to go to Thailand with Sean and Hut in March/April. He can’t commit.

I’ve been bringing up for weeks that we should be looking for halloween costumes. He puts it off and puts it off. Last night he came home from work and was all “Oh we gotta go get halloween costumes”. So now it’s a last minute stressful thing to go buy them.

He never comes on walks with me and astra.

I mean there’s good things. I was laying in bed last night thinking about the good things too. But It’s just not enough. He’s getting better, but I just don’t know if it’s enough to make it last past the end of our lease.

I wish I could just go back and redo the last year all over.

I fucked up a lot of shit and I want it back.

I just feel like this is a broken record, I go back and read past posts from years ago and other relationships and it’s just the same shit over and over again and maybe it’s 100% my fault. I dunno.

But I just feel like I can never get enough of what I want. The other day we went to Folsom and had a ton of fun, we came home, had some great sex. It was a good night. The next night, we are laying in bed and I wanted to jerk off. I put his hand on my hard dick and he just fucking FELL ASLEEP.

Last night, we had a GREAT day. I got up at 6am, drove to work, he had the day off. I drove 4 hours round trip to work yesterday, worked all Day, on my way home I stopped at this cute bakery and got us a pie. Got home, walked astra, got on bart, took bart for an hour to go to this play he wanted to see, saw the play, bart home for an hour. My day was LONG. He slept in, did some chores around the house, had the day off. Also, you know how I always get up early and fucking make him coffee before he leaves.

We get home and I say: “I’m going to walk astra real quick, can you cut us a piece of pie”. He then gives me this attitude of like it’s SO HAR For him to do that cause he’s so tired and it’s just too much. Well I walk astra and come back and he’s got the pie on the counter but he’s brushing his teeth. So I guess we aren’t going to share the pie together. Which is annoying.

I eat the pie, get in bed and he’s got his fucking iPad out watching YouTube. I say, “I thought you were so tired”. Super annoying that he puts up this ‘omg, it’s so hard to do something nice for you” but he’s totally cool just laying in bed watching YouTube and bothering me while I try to sleep.

I dunno, like I am just on edge I guess about everything. like everything annoys me because I am not getting what I want out of this. I want him to say I love you more, I want him to be EXCITED to see me when I come home from work. I want him to give me PASSIONATE kisses. I want him to WANT to have sex with me.

I WANT HIM to do nice things for me without having to be PROMPTED for it.

Like, I think he loves me. He does NICE thing for me, he holds my hands, we cuddle, we kiss, he sys “I love you” but it’s just never enough for me. I just don’t know what to do.