I am just never going to find someone who loves me the way that I want to be loved.
I’ve said it a million times before. I just want someone whoo talks to me, who flirts with me, who wants to share their life with me.
This past weekend we were in San Diego for thanksgiving with Hut and Sean. it was a FUN weekend. Thanksgiving was nice, we did some fun stuff. I felt back that Sean cooked and cleaned everything but when I kept offering to help he said no.
While we were down there, Charles was clearly texting someone on instagram constantly and also chatting with Eric non-stop. He barely talked to me, told me about anything, etc.
It seems that our relationship is just 100% about just being near each other and we aren’t compatible in any other way. We don’t have those cut chats, we don’t share laughs very often, we don’t have time to go out and do things together that we both want to do.
On the drive home he was driving and I wanted to do one of those cute relationship games. One of the questions was “Describe a sexual fantasy”… I went first and told him that mine is for him to tie me up, gag me, and just edge me for hours. He kept saying “I don’t know”; “I don’t know”. And I said to him, “one thing you always bring up is that you want to have more sexual experiences”, so surely he has something he wants to try. Well finally he said he wants to “find a bottom and just use him”. But the way he said it, he wanted to find some random guy on like grindr.
This really hurt me, like the FIRST thing you can think of is fucking someone else. When our own sex life it pretty boring/non-existant and you just want to go fuck someone else.
Then we started talking about Hut and Sean and how their lives primarily consist of just hanging out at home, watching tv and then going on trips. I know that Hut and Sean love each other, but I could never have a relationship like they do where Hut comes home and goes to the room and watches TV all night separately. I want a partner where we watch TV together, where we hang out.
He said something along the lines of that he still wants to go out a lot and he wants to “experience things”, etc. And that just ended it for me. We’ve talked so much about what we want and where we want to go and none of this has come up int he past.
we didn’t even speak for the last hour of the trip, we got home and didn’t speak. At one point he left his phone on the bed and it was unlocked, I looked and found the instagram guy. He’s DEF flirting with this guy. I went back and it’s someone he was chatting with back in September, 2021. Back when he and I were first starting, then went through the whole Eric phase. Just in the past month they have “reconnected” and had been flirting a lot. And Charles is sending him messaged in the way that _I_ want him too se send me messages. He was flirting with him about “ok, settle a debate, pecan or pumpkin”. And telling him about all kinds of stuff, like how he “prefers ham over Turkey and there was no cranberry sauce at thanksginvg’ never once did he mention any of that to me. He’s also been replying quickly to this guys messages.
When _I_ send him stuff he just flat out ignores me.
I also saw a popup from Eric saying he needs to “save his money for the phillipines trip”. So does that mean he invited Eric to our phillipines trip next year without even asking me? That would be a MAJOR NO FUCKING WAY. I am not going to spend two fucking weeks traveling with a guy who won’t even talk to me.
I sent him a big message today basically saying that he needs to figure the fuck out what he wants an if this relationship is what he wants or not. He said he was going to go have dinner with gwenn tonight and discuss it. So tonight could either be the turning point to fix shit or it could really be the end of this relationship.
I’m so sick of this up and down shit. I just want him to fucking love me, to care about me, to flirt with me, to have sex with me. TO treat me like he ACTUALLY CARES about me instead of just some guy he lives with and who takes care of him.