Chris' Site

We got stuck in it.

Over the past week we have been talking a lot. He’s been trying his best but it’s just not enough to recover what has happened at this point. I love him, but it just won’t work unless here’s a MAJOR change in both of us. I don’t think either of us are capable of that right now.

There’s just so much resentment, so much built up anger that isn’t being talked about or resolved. I bring something up that I just want him to say, “I’m sorry, I hear you” and instead he pushes back or is just silent again.

I want him stay, I want him to just open up and talk to me, pour out his feelings, his wants. I made this list of what I needed from him to try and make things better. He got home from work last night and I could tell he had a bad day, I knew I did. But I asked and gave him the opportunity, “Do you want to talk or do you just want to relax and we can talk tomorrow”. He said he wanted to talk.

We started talking about things, he was silent as usual. I asked him how he was feeling, what he was thinking. He was silent. I started talking, I told him a few of the items on my list. He got angry and said: “I told you I’m overwhelmed and yet you make a list”. From there it just went back down hill again. It’s like I try to push the rock up and it’s just an ice slope, I can’t make any traction. I can’t make any progress towards making ti better.

I talked to Calvin, Sean and Mark about things yesterday. I really tried to understand what had happened, what to do, what to try and make it right. And it just seems nothing is working.

I told him to find a new place to live and he went to the bedroom in silence.

The silence is the problem for me. He refuses to open up, to tell me how he feels, to tell me what HE WANTS. He keeps saying it’s all bout what I want, what I want him to change. I asked him, multiple times, WHAT DO YOU want me to change, what do YOU want. And he sits in silence.

The more he’s silent. the more I get upset, the more I want to ATTACH to him. The more I want to attach, the more he wants to run away.

But I know in the long run this isn’t going to work. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who cannot communicate, who cannot talk about their feelings, who cannot be open and honest about what it is they want.

It hurts, it sucks, I feel like a failure. I just want to be happy in life, I want that partner who wants to share their feelings, who I feel comfortable with, who I can just love and give my all too them and they give back.

I’m not getting what I need and I need to remember that. Even those he is such a great person, he’s not what I need in my life as a partner. Hopefully, we can stay friends, hopefully we can talk. Hopefully he will learn and grow from this.

I bet you, just like everyone else I date, they will find the “one” right after this and I’ll be single for another 6 years.

We have been through so much over the past year and through everything I have fought to make you the one that’s most important in my life. I love you and care about you and I don’t doubt that you care about me too and have been a loyal loving boyfriend.

But over the past year we have always fought over the same thing. Last night it was the same argument yet again and I just don’t think I can continue on like this.

I told you a few months ago what I wanted out of a relationship.

– someone who asks about my day and takes an interest in my life. Someone who wants to text me all day long
– Someone who wants to go on walks with me and Astra and someone who wants to do and experience the same things in my life
– Someone who is passionate and wants to have physical intimacy with me
– A best friend

Over the past couple months things have been getting better, you’ve been trying harder. And I’ve been trying to let you be you and not pressure you into talking or fucking.

But the thing that I keep tripping up on is that I shouldn’t have to beg my boyfriend to talk to me. I shouldn’t have to beg my bf for sex. It should be natural

I see you at tennis class. You know how to naturally talk to other people. But you seem to be completely incapable of giving me the same respect and treatment

When I told you about my raise and my promotion the only thing you said was “My Christmas present is gonna be amazing”.

No good job babe, no congratulations.

When I told you about them finally announcing the new role and title you didn’t ask what it was. Or what my duties were.

I should feel loved and supported through these things. I should have a bf who’s proud of my accomplishments just as I show you how proud I am of yours. Instead I feel resented and envied.

I want to make this work. I’ve put in so much effort to try and make you happy. To try and show you how much I want you and care about you. But I just don’t feel a return of those feelings. Again, I should never have to beg my bf to talk to me about my life

One year ago. You dumped me to go be with Eric. I spent that month every day begging and wishing you’d come back. You have but now I think it’s time that we just move on from each other. I don’t know if at this point it’s fixable.

I love you, but goodbye.

I am just never going to find someone who loves me the way that I want to be loved.

I’ve said it a million times before. I just want someone whoo talks to me, who flirts with me, who wants to share their life with me.

This past weekend we were in San Diego for thanksgiving with Hut and Sean. it was a FUN weekend. Thanksgiving was nice, we did some fun stuff. I felt back that Sean cooked and cleaned everything but when I kept offering to help he said no.

While we were down there, Charles was clearly texting someone on instagram constantly and also chatting with Eric non-stop. He barely talked to me, told me about anything, etc.

It seems that our relationship is just 100% about just being near each other and we aren’t compatible in any other way. We don’t have those cut chats, we don’t share laughs very often, we don’t have time to go out and do things together that we both want to do.

On the drive home he was driving and I wanted to do one of those cute relationship games. One of the questions was “Describe a sexual fantasy”… I went first and told him that mine is for him to tie me up, gag me, and just edge me for hours. He kept saying “I don’t know”; “I don’t know”. And I said to him, “one thing you always bring up is that you want to have more sexual experiences”, so surely he has something he wants to try. Well finally he said he wants to “find a bottom and just use him”. But the way he said it, he wanted to find some random guy on like grindr.

This really hurt me, like the FIRST thing you can think of is fucking someone else. When our own sex life it pretty boring/non-existant and you just want to go fuck someone else.

Then we started talking about Hut and Sean and how their lives primarily consist of just hanging out at home, watching tv and then going on trips. I know that Hut and Sean love each other, but I could never have a relationship like they do where Hut comes home and goes to the room and watches TV all night separately. I want a partner where we watch TV together, where we hang out.

He said something along the lines of that he still wants to go out a lot and he wants to “experience things”, etc. And that just ended it for me. We’ve talked so much about what we want and where we want to go and none of this has come up int he past.

we didn’t even speak for the last hour of the trip, we got home and didn’t speak. At one point he left his phone on the bed and it was unlocked, I looked and found the instagram guy. He’s DEF flirting with this guy. I went back and it’s someone he was chatting with back in September, 2021. Back when he and I were first starting, then went through the whole Eric phase. Just in the past month they have “reconnected” and had been flirting a lot. And Charles is sending him messaged in the way that _I_ want him too se send me messages. He was flirting with him about “ok, settle a debate, pecan or pumpkin”. And telling him about all kinds of stuff, like how he “prefers ham over Turkey and there was no cranberry sauce at thanksginvg’ never once did he mention any of that to me. He’s also been replying quickly to this guys messages.

When _I_ send him stuff he just flat out ignores me.

I also saw a popup from Eric saying he needs to “save his money for the phillipines trip”. So does that mean he invited Eric to our phillipines trip next year without even asking me? That would be a MAJOR NO FUCKING WAY. I am not going to spend two fucking weeks traveling with a guy who won’t even talk to me.

I sent him a big message today basically saying that he needs to figure the fuck out what he wants an if this relationship is what he wants or not. He said he was going to go have dinner with gwenn tonight and discuss it. So tonight could either be the turning point to fix shit or it could really be the end of this relationship.

I’m so sick of this up and down shit. I just want him to fucking love me, to care about me, to flirt with me, to have sex with me. TO treat me like he ACTUALLY CARES about me instead of just some guy he lives with and who takes care of him.

I hired Hudson property management in July, 2021 to manage 78 units. By July 2022 they had lost me over $100k in rent income. They are terrible property managers who allowed multiple people to get 6-8 months behind on rent racking up over $40,000 in delinquency even after I pushed them multiple times to start eviction processes. They failed at just the basics of property management, collecting rent.

They are also terrible at turning units and getting them prepped for new tenants. When I terminated Hudson property there were 6 units vacant units which had been vacant for months with Matt saying he was having a “very tough time” finding tenants. I posted the 6 units online on a Monday and by Friday had signed leases and deposits in hand.

I’ve had tenant after tenant tell me horror stories about how they failed to reply to messages. I had one tenant who said they were without hot water for a month (and showed me text messages a proof). There was a tenant who moved into a unit which was dirty and had no appliances. Another tenant who had a pipe freeze and flood their apartment, Matt removed all the carpet and left them with no flooring for months. Another tenant had their thermoostat break and Matt’s fix for over a year was to just “turn the breaker off”, a $15 replacement is all it took to repair the unit. Another tenant had a broken window for over a year.

Rents were adjusted DOWN from where they were when we transitioned them. Multiple units had been adjusted down $50-100/month In their management system compared to the leases rates. Why would you ever adjust tenant rents DOWN unless there were some sort of nefarious actions going on.

When it came time to transition away, the security deposit registers didn’t match the accounts and there was over $4,000 missing in security deposits.

The quality of my units deteriorated over the course of a year due to poor management by Hudson, I lost tons of money in rent income due to their inability to collect rents and turn units in a timely manner.

I would stay FAR AWAY from Hudson property management!

Things have been getting better. He’s been initiating more sex, talking more, etc. But things just aren’t enough.

Last night, we were sitting here eating dinner. He asked “How was your day” and before I could even answer he opened TikTok and started scrolling through it.

I cook for us every night, he rarely does dishes. Dishes have been sitting in the sink for 2 days now. Instead of getting his ass out of bed this morning, he set an alarm for 8am and then laid in bed until 10am. So now the dishes will sit there all day today. He works tonight, so I’ll come home from work and will end up having to do them.

Same with laundry. I put two loads in the wash/dryer over the past few days. They are still sitting in the fucking dryer. He just doesn’t help, doesn’t do shit around the house.

When we first moved in, he was all about “Thursdays are cleaning day” and the was all about keeping the house clean. Now it seems to just 100% fall on me.

I want to go to san Diego for thanksgiving to see Sean and Hut. He can’t commit. I want to go to Thailand with Sean and Hut in March/April. He can’t commit.

I’ve been bringing up for weeks that we should be looking for halloween costumes. He puts it off and puts it off. Last night he came home from work and was all “Oh we gotta go get halloween costumes”. So now it’s a last minute stressful thing to go buy them.

He never comes on walks with me and astra.

I mean there’s good things. I was laying in bed last night thinking about the good things too. But It’s just not enough. He’s getting better, but I just don’t know if it’s enough to make it last past the end of our lease.