Anxious-Avoidant Trap

We got stuck in it.

Over the past week we have been talking a lot. He’s been trying his best but it’s just not enough to recover what has happened at this point. I love him, but it just won’t work unless here’s a MAJOR change in both of us. I don’t think either of us are capable of that right now.

There’s just so much resentment, so much built up anger that isn’t being talked about or resolved. I bring something up that I just want him to say, “I’m sorry, I hear you” and instead he pushes back or is just silent again.

I want him stay, I want him to just open up and talk to me, pour out his feelings, his wants. I made this list of what I needed from him to try and make things better. He got home from work last night and I could tell he had a bad day, I knew I did. But I asked and gave him the opportunity, “Do you want to talk or do you just want to relax and we can talk tomorrow”. He said he wanted to talk.

We started talking about things, he was silent as usual. I asked him how he was feeling, what he was thinking. He was silent. I started talking, I told him a few of the items on my list. He got angry and said: “I told you I’m overwhelmed and yet you make a list”. From there it just went back down hill again. It’s like I try to push the rock up and it’s just an ice slope, I can’t make any traction. I can’t make any progress towards making ti better.

I talked to Calvin, Sean and Mark about things yesterday. I really tried to understand what had happened, what to do, what to try and make it right. And it just seems nothing is working.

I told him to find a new place to live and he went to the bedroom in silence.

The silence is the problem for me. He refuses to open up, to tell me how he feels, to tell me what HE WANTS. He keeps saying it’s all bout what I want, what I want him to change. I asked him, multiple times, WHAT DO YOU want me to change, what do YOU want. And he sits in silence.

The more he’s silent. the more I get upset, the more I want to ATTACH to him. The more I want to attach, the more he wants to run away.

But I know in the long run this isn’t going to work. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who cannot communicate, who cannot talk about their feelings, who cannot be open and honest about what it is they want.

It hurts, it sucks, I feel like a failure. I just want to be happy in life, I want that partner who wants to share their feelings, who I feel comfortable with, who I can just love and give my all too them and they give back.

I’m not getting what I need and I need to remember that. Even those he is such a great person, he’s not what I need in my life as a partner. Hopefully, we can stay friends, hopefully we can talk. Hopefully he will learn and grow from this.

I bet you, just like everyone else I date, they will find the “one” right after this and I’ll be single for another 6 years.

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