Category: My Life

What’s wrong with me. Why don’t you like me? I can treat you so well.

This past weekend was amazing. Saturday I headed out to SF and met up with Darin, we put together his stuff at his house, walked around the city a bit, checked into the hotel. Got dinner. Then Daring was tired so I walked him home. I had a quick date after that, the guy was nice but laughed a lot and was super AWK. I asked him back to my hotel to watch a movie which we did (Snatched) but he like sat on the far end of the bed while watching it.

Picked up Army at 1am and we had a bit of a tiff right away. He mentioned how much cash he was bringing and I said “I have $2k, you think that’s enough” he replied “well that’s your judgement”. I got a bit annoyed with him but _I_ at least talked it out and I think he understood where I was coming from. He semi-appologized for it on Monday morning.

Sunday we slept in a bit late, got up and went to Carnival. Walked around there but it was sort of boring and then went to lunch. Ate at a nice little place and walked to Dolores park, sat and talked then from there we went to Q Bar and had some drinks. We had an interesting talk there about him, sex, relationships. Basically he was just asking me for advice about stuff. I dunno if he accepted it or what. Again we had a good chat there. He got picked up by two guys who wanted him to go to the bathroom to eat his ass out.

WTF. No one ever picks me up.

From there we went back to hotel, changed and went to the dinner cruise. That again was a lot of fun, we chatted we laughed, we took pictures on the deck with the city. I mean considering we were there for 3 hours and we chatted the whole time, laughed. I don’t get how he can say “no connection”.

Back to hotel again, changed into going out clothes. Kevin (FOB Vietnam) was supposed to meet us at the hotel but said he was running late, so we agreed to just meet at some bar. Apparently his EX-bf was going there to meet a grindr date. So we met him and his Ex. While we were just hanging out there Kevin was on one side of me, Army on the other side and they were’t talking. Kevin just stood there with his arms crossed. It was going to be a bad night.

We walked from there to some other bar in the Castro. Kevin said he was hungry so he went to get pizza while Army and I went into the bar. We both had one drink and decided the bar sucked so we left. Kevin had JUST paid his cover. 🙁 He was angry.

Went to another bar, I paid for all our entry and then Army paid for our first round of drinks. Kevin stood at the bar and Army and I went dancing. Kevin left.

Army and I danced the night away. Drinking, laughing, having an amazing time together. We went to a third bar, danced some more. Army started cackling with this random asian guy and then dancing with some girl. He kept trying to get me to dance with this latin guy that I just wasn’t into. We left at bar close and ubered back to the hotel.

We got there and got into bed. He grabbed my hand and pulled me over to cuddle. He held my hand. This is exactly what I want. I want him to show some affection. I had to puke, got up. By the time I got back he was laying there sleeping, cold as ice as usual.

Monday we woke up and surprisingly had a very slight hang over. I was expecting it to be much worse. Walked to breakfast and then left the city. Back home after picking up my trailer. We went grocery shopping together, cooked dinner together. IT was super nice too because when I was cooking he actually came over from the couch and sat and talked with me.

This is exactly what I want. I want a bf like this, (just show me some more affection!!) Someone I can go to the city with. Hang out at home with, cook with. Watch movies with. We both seem to enjoy the same types of shows, we both enjoy the same music (besides his random ghetto shit). We talked about his dick which was sort of funny. Talked about him topping vs bttm. He said he only likes to top small guys and has only topped twice in his life.

Last night we even made spring rolls together, just hanging out making them around the table. It’s so cute and so perfect. Why doesn’t he like me.

Who else would treat him the way I do, treat him so nicely, give him so much attention care about him so much. I mean I’m sure there are other fish. But what’s so wrong with me. WHAT DOES “NO CONNECTION” fucking mean. How can you have no connection when we had such an amazing weekend like we just did.

I have to just make it through this summer. I have to cut him off at the end of it. Say goodbye and be done. I cannot do this. I can’t handle this rollercoaster. I cannot go from having feelings about him to being just friends. Having weekends like this with him makes it even harder.

The one BIG issue we had this weekend is that apparently he has invited his best friend to come visit for the week of June 25-July 1. Which really pissed me off that he invited her without asking me. When I confronted him about it he said “Well maybe we’ll just get a hotel in the city then”. WTF. Ugh.

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

I have my first online therapy appt tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to it and I’m going to really try to and talk just about how I can survive the next 3 weeks with him and not go completely crazy.

I want to email Wings and just say something to him. But I have no idea what to say.

The last two days have been a fucking roller coaster. I cancelled everything for Army this weekend then last night I was looking through my CC bill and saw a charge for $515 from Holiday Inn. I called them and they were like “The room was non-refundable”. So they billed me the FULL AMOUNT to cancel! I asked them to re-instate the room so now I have to go spend the weekend in SF with Army. I’m just hoping I don’t show up and they bill me AGAIN!!!

I also txted Calvin, “If you ever get married, please invite me to the wedding” which let to a converstaion and then this today:

“Just a lot happening, Been courting this guy for like 2 years and it’s been very complicated and on again off again… His “love language” (remember that book 😛) is gifts, so I’ve spent a lot of money on him. This week we finally had a serious talk and he says he has no interest in me. But now we have to go to vietnam together and I’ve already agreed to let him live with me for this summer. SO it’s gonna be super awk/annoying to have him around. I feel like he’s just been using me for the past two years to get what he wants. Plus other stuff, I regret us breaking up still and it hurts me a lot that you are dating will, TBH. That’s the equivalent me going off and dating hut after we broke up. BUUT. I want you to be happy too and hopefully he is doing that for you and that’s why I said the thing about you getting married cause I want to be there for you if something like that happens for you.”

He replied but completely skipped over the part about him and will, etc.

Today I’ve just been so out of it and we’re having a major issue at work.. I wrote a long letter to Army to send to him tomorrow morning. I hope he will read it.

Army,
I hope you’re well and have had a great week back in Iowa with your friends and family. I’m excited to see you tonight (Saturday) and I hope that we can be friends and have a great summer. As you know, I care about you a lot and I want to see you succeed in life and be happy. I want to be here to help you and offer whatever guidance I can over this summer. As I said though, this is going to be very difficult for me, so please be patient with me this summer and let’s try to keep an open and honest communication dialog. If you need space, please speak up and let me know. If i need space, I’ll let you know. Going quiet or getting angry at each other is not going to be healthy. I know you said you like to “just sleep it off”, but in the long term that doesn’t help, you will build up resentment and anger and it will explode at some point.

I want this summer to be amazing for the both of us, I know you said you just need to get away from Iowa and I want to provide a safe place for you to explore and get your feet on the ground in this critical time in your life. I hope that you and I can share some great experience this summer and share some great memories, as I said I have a lot of stuff I wanted to do with you this summer. I know now that nothing will happen between us and I accept that. But I want to look back on this summer and say, “Randy’s a great guy and I had an amazing time getting to know him and sharing my summer with him”. I want our trip to Vietnam to be a lifetime experience and I’m so excited to be going with you.

With that said, I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page. I’m not going to pay for everything this summer, I’m not going to be your sugar daddy or treat you like I’m courting you or dating you. I’ll gladly pay for things here and there and I hope you’ll appreciate it. But in the overall sense, I’m going to treat you as my “friend”.

Lastly, I found some interesting articles about the attachment styles that we talked about. I honestly do think that you (and I) will learn a lot from them. I’ve been trying to change myself in this sense for a couple months now and I have a long way to go. I hope that you’ll read these and maybe learn something, it shouldn’t take more then an hour to read all of them. With you going to therapy, I hope you’re open to these ideas. If not, please just ignore them.

See you tonight and let’s have an amazing summer together…

(I put them in order)

The Fearful/Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style

http://the-love-compass.com/2013/09/17/the-dismissive-attachment-style/ (this is the one you tested as)

Understanding the Needs of the Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style

The Difference Between Having a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style and Being Fearful of Relationships

5 Common Thought Traps Faced by the Avoidant Attachment Style

Getting Off the Roller-Coaster: Breaking Out of the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle

Last one is me, I’m sending this to you because even in “friendship” some of these things apply and I hope that it will help us be better this summer and not want to kill each other:
http://the-love-compass.com/2014/02/22/understanding-the-needs-of-the-anxiouspreoccupied-attachment-style/

I do this to myself over and over again. It’s my preoccupied behavior. Now I just cannot stop focusing on him, stalking him on instagram (the only place I have) going over in my mind time and again why did this happen, why am I being rejected. What’s wrong with me.

I need to re-read Attached. I need to start applying some of those ideas to myself and focusing on changing these things.

I keep wishing he would text me and say he missed me again, say sorry. But he won’t. He’s at home, living his life. Probably not even thinking about me at all.

My friends and even one person I’ve never met have been insanely supportive during this time and I feel bad for unloading on them. I should be able to handle this myself. I need to be tougher as Army said in his texts yesterday. I get “butt hurt” too easily.

I need to LEARN to separate my feelings from friends. I need to learn how to be able to have friends who I used to care for. Even Calvin, when I talk to him currently I still get super annoyed and sad. I miss him so much still. Will I ever fully get over him? I mean even going back in time, my first BF Adam. I still think about him sometimes. This isn’t normal, is it?

To be so focused on the past, wishing things had changed or been different. Wanting to get back there. Fix what I did wrong. Never break up with Calvin, never get HIV, never give up climbing with my friends.

Maybe back in 2008, I should have taken Jason up on his request to date. Maybe we would have been partners, husbands? I mean we’re still great friends all these years later, we tell each other everything, we talk daily, say goodnight, say good morning.. I’ve just never been ROMANTICALLY interested in him. We’re just friends.

I build these hard walls, you’re either friends, lovers or nothing.

How the fuck am I going to survive Vietnam with him. How the FUCK am I going to put on a happy face, smile and enjoy this trip. How the FUCK am I going to live with him all summer. Is he going to go on dates while he’s here? What if HE finds a bf here. Could you imagine… what the fuck.

Honestly, I would have felt better if he had just said “Yes, it’s because you’re POZ”. Now I just don’t know what the efuck to do all summer.

You don’t give a shit about me, so why do I care so much about you. You never ask me, “How’s your day” or “What do you have planned”. You never say goodnight or good morning, unless I do so first.

So why am I still fucking chasing you. Why am I spending all this fucking money to try and impress you. Why am I spending so much time stressing over what to do with you to make you think I’m fun and charming and cute.

You’ve got me wrapped around your finger and I don’t know why. I don’t know how.

This past weekend was your graduation party and commissioning ceremony. I text you “Have an amazing day today and congrats! Enjoy your party and your friends and family. Wish I could be there for you!”. You replied “Thank you. I’ll see u soon”.

I texted you that night. “good night”. You read it and never replied. If I didn’t say anything to you, would you message me? When we were fighting last weekend you said something along the lines of “you never texted me the last few days”. I don’t text you, because you don’t text me. It’s a catch-22. But I’m not going to be the one that’s ALWAYS starting the convo. Always saying the nice things.

How did I get into this situation with you. I BARELY know you, yet I care so much about what you do/think about me. Why am I like this.

I want to say so much to you, but I know it will piss you off/scare you away. I just don’t understand.

This past weekend I had a date with a cute Vietnamese boy, Friday night we went out to dinner and had Peking duck then dessert. We chatting and said goodnight. I hugged him and for some reason got a major hard on, I jerked off once I got home. Saturday we met up again around 5pm. I picked him up at the BART station and went to my house, we hung out, watched a movie, made out, etc. He’s super cute but he says he’s just looking for hookups. He’s just recently HIV+. Poor guy. We will see if we hang out again. He says he wants to hang out again before we

Next Saturday army arrives again. I’ve booked us a hotel ($600), a massage ($300) and a dinner cruise ($360). I’m gonna spend over a $1,000 on him for this weekend and he won’t care. He won’t show any affection. He won’t say thank you or get me anything.

I stupidly bought him a gopro too. I’m still debating if I give it to him or just keep it for myself. But I’ve never been much of a video/youtube person. I prefer pictures.

Ugh. Calvin and I should have just got married. He was great, he cared, he was sweet. I miss him so much still. I did the wrong thing.