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My Life

You don’t Care

You don’t give a shit about me, so why do I care so much about you. You never ask me, “How’s your day” or “What do you have planned”. You never say goodnight or good morning, unless I do so first.

So why am I still fucking chasing you. Why am I spending all this fucking money to try and impress you. Why am I spending so much time stressing over what to do with you to make you think I’m fun and charming and cute.

You’ve got me wrapped around your finger and I don’t know why. I don’t know how.

This past weekend was your graduation party and commissioning ceremony. I text you “Have an amazing day today and congrats! Enjoy your party and your friends and family. Wish I could be there for you!”. You replied “Thank you. I’ll see u soon”.

I texted you that night. “good night”. You read it and never replied. If I didn’t say anything to you, would you message me? When we were fighting last weekend you said something along the lines of “you never texted me the last few days”. I don’t text you, because you don’t text me. It’s a catch-22. But I’m not going to be the one that’s ALWAYS starting the convo. Always saying the nice things.

How did I get into this situation with you. I BARELY know you, yet I care so much about what you do/think about me. Why am I like this.

I want to say so much to you, but I know it will piss you off/scare you away. I just don’t understand.

This past weekend I had a date with a cute Vietnamese boy, Friday night we went out to dinner and had Peking duck then dessert. We chatting and said goodnight. I hugged him and for some reason got a major hard on, I jerked off once I got home. Saturday we met up again around 5pm. I picked him up at the BART station and went to my house, we hung out, watched a movie, made out, etc. He’s super cute but he says he’s just looking for hookups. He’s just recently HIV+. Poor guy. We will see if we hang out again. He says he wants to hang out again before we

Next Saturday army arrives again. I’ve booked us a hotel ($600), a massage ($300) and a dinner cruise ($360). I’m gonna spend over a $1,000 on him for this weekend and he won’t care. He won’t show any affection. He won’t say thank you or get me anything.

I stupidly bought him a gopro too. I’m still debating if I give it to him or just keep it for myself. But I’ve never been much of a video/youtube person. I prefer pictures.

Ugh. Calvin and I should have just got married. He was great, he cared, he was sweet. I miss him so much still. I did the wrong thing.

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