may 2, i remember going to school that day, not really knowing what to do.
would people know of the last few days events, did my mom call the school
and tell them, did my brother blurt it out already, i was so scared i just
put up a shield a round me, i prettty much cut off contact with most of my
friends that day. that day seemed like it would never end, i wanted to get
out of there. but i didn’t want to go home. the day finally ended and i went
home, i don’t remember what happened that night, i’m sure it wasn’t good.
the next monday night i found myself at a scout meeting, my parents had decided
it would be a good idea for me to join the scouts. i had dropped out of all
the sports i was in and cut off most contact with the outside world. i had
put my self in a little bubble hoping that no one would find out about me.
i really didn’t mind joining scouts, i had been in cub scouts from the time
i was 5, but when i got to old for cubs there wasn’t a troop in town, so i
had just quit. my parents would continue to search my room, once a week, every
week. they’d usually find something that i shouldn’t have had. a yelling match
would follow that, and then another night in my room, wishing i wouldn’t wake
up the next moring. i usualy didn’t think about suicide, except during the
days when they would yell at me. the scouts were the only things that kept
me alive, i accepted the scouts into my life. i was always busy doing something
either with or for them. i love scouting, i’d even go so far as to say that
if it weren’t for scouting i wouldn’t be here today. in scouting i was respected,
people looked up to me, and i was in charge, i could be who ever i wanted
to be, as long as it wasn’t me. i had still cut off most ties with friends
in school. i didn’t really have anyone that i could talk to, in school there
was a group of people that i would hang out with, but outside of school, my
whole life was scouting, it kept me busy, it kept my mind off of trying to
figure out who i was. but i knew who i was, it was my parents that didn’t
know who i was. by the time i was 17 i had been in scouts for a while, i was
nearing my eagle rank, hs was ending. i thought my life would be better after
hs. i was hoping it would be. i had become really good friends with nathan
from scouts, he would spend the days and nights at my house, we would talk,
and i would teach him stuff about computers. i don’t really know if at that
time i realized it or not, but i had a crush on him, he was cute, he was nice.
i finished my eagle scout, just barely in the nik of time. it wasn’t my fault
though, it was the troop’s committee. nathan’s dad was the chairperson and
he had to be present at all the Eagle Reveiws, but he was in HI. so he couldn’t
be there and we had to push things back. about two weeks though before i got
my eagle scout nathans parents just pulled him out, they cut off all contact.
at that time i was scared, had nathan done something like i had? had nate
told them about what happened on those nights that he spent at my house, or
those late nights that we would stay up at camp. what happened? i sent them
an invitation to my eagle court, but they didn’t show. they didn’t send a
letter of congradulations, which i even got one for the president, why didn’t
they send me one? what had happened. all contact was cut off with nathan,
untill just a few days ago. when i talked to him. we’ll see how that goes.
i’m still in scouts as you know. i’m working for a scout camp this summer.
this will be my last year as a scout. this will be my last summer at camp.
i’m really saddened by that, i want to stay in scouts, but i know i can’t.
i have to break this bubble, it’s suffocating me inside it. i have to get
out of here. i thought college would let me out of this bubble, i knew when
i applied here that it wouldn’t be easy, but i at least thought i could step
out of it some. i have, it has a small hole in it now, but the hole isn’t
big enough for air to get in. my mom called me last night, i finally got my
acceptance letter to penn state. we’re going out there sometime in may for
a campus visit and to also look for apartments. i’ll have my own apartment
there. it’ll be in a big city, far form my parents prying eyes, from my family,
from everyone and everything i know. somewhere where that bubble can burst.
somewhere where i can be me.
