Category: My Life

Construction guy has fallen off out of no where again. I sort of figured based on his last communication that it was more about making himself feel better than about actually reconnecting. I didn’t put much effort back into it TBH, but I sent him some messages about my project I’ve been working on and haven’t heard from him since. So whatever.

I talked to my therapist about ZenDesk, she and I came up with three options. 1) Just ignore him and move on, 2) send him a nice message about how I want to keep talking to him and be friends, 3) Send a nasty message. I went with option 2. I met Darin for dinner last Thursday night and he helped me put together a message. Actually, I wrote it and then he just cut things out. I sent that to ZenDesk that night and he replied right away and we were right back to where we were. He basically said “Sorry, work has been so busy”. Which as I’ve stated before that reply is TOTAL BS. Anyway, Thursday – Sunday was more of the same, good morning, good night, texting all day. Sunday he sent me a ton of pictures of him on a hike and Saturday he sent me a ton of pictures of him out wine tasting. Last night, he said goodnight at 10:30. This morning I texted him, and no reply again. Are we back to that already? I sort of suspect he has a BF?

This weekend, I met this super cute 22 year old black guy. I mean obviously nothing is going to happen there but that was fun. He kept telling me how handsome I was and actually complimented me on my pecs!

There have also been a few other randoms popping back up in my life from earlier in the year/last year now also wanting to hang out. It’s weird how things come back around or whatever.

Anyway, I hung out with Ralph and we were talking about guys, started going through the list of guys we know/have gone on dates with and there’s a few guys I’ve been on dates with that apparently are MARRIED/In LTR! WTF. I went on a couple dates with this guy Brian a few weeks ago. I found his instagram and come to find out, he has a fucking LTR! Why the fuck are you on Tinder, calling guys “cutie”, going to dinner/drinks, kissing them at the end of the night when you have a god damn boyfriend! I hate the gay culture. I get the whole “open relationship” thing but if you’re gonna be on Tinder/OkCupid, at least be HONEST that you’re in a relationship.

I meant to come back and write after my last post but just never got around to it. Things have been busy.

This past week was a pretty normal week. I was supposed to have two dates one on Tuesday evening and one on Saturday. Both of them cancelled on me and haven’t heard from them since. Even though I texted both of them they never replied. Super annoying that guys do that shit.

Construction guy showed back up in my life with this long text about how it’s not what I have that will make us not work but what I don’t have. Blah blah blah. And he talked more about how if people don’t show enough interest he just lets things fade etc. Well, interest flows both ways and since that message, if I don’t message him first, I don’t hear from him. So IMHO, that message from him was more about getting shit off HIS mind and making it seem to himself like he wasn’t the one ending things.

Hey. I’ve been thinking about what you told me. I want touch bases because I don’t want you to think I’m just ignoring you after the fact. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve never dated anyone who is positive, so needless to say I don’t know what it entails. It would be ignorant of me to write someone off as it doesn’t bother me as it would some people. With that said, as I’ve mentioned, I am uncompromising when it comes to picking life partners…hence why I am still single. And often times, I don’t tell people this and if it doesn’t seem like they are making an effort, I just let it phase out. So, in regards to you and I…I am for ya continuing getting to know each other and see where that goes, because ultimately, it’s not what you have that would deter us, it would be what you DON’T have…and what that is, is the right personality, values and ethics that I am looking for.

The other big thing is ZenDesk. He and I had our second “date” or whatever yesterday. Up until Friday he and I were texting every day, doing good night and good morning again. Etc. Then Friday he went me this Meme about Game of Thrones around 1pm, I replied, no reply, I replied a few hours later, no reply. I sent him a goodnight message at 10pm. No reply… Don’t hear from him again until almost 6pm Saturday. At which point I was assuming he was ghosting me and was working on making other hiking plans with Darin. Anyway ZenDesk says he was out hiking all day Saturday which is all find and good, but seriously, no replies since Friday? WTF. Darin of course says “you’re not dating yet, so why do you expect a reply” which is TRUE. However we had plans and it’s common courtesy to reply….

Anyway, we met Sunday for lunch and then a hike and then beers. It was another great day and he’s SUPER cute but I feel he’s friend zoned me already. Like things he was talking about on the hike he said. At one point we were discussing going to Europe and he started telling me about how he had so much “Fun” last time and how we can share stories when we go together. He was checking out other guys blatantly while we were at the restaurant and there were just other indications. Also every time I try to flirt with him via text he just ignores it. Like last night he said he was watching a scary movie and he said that I should watch it. I replied and said “I’ll watch it if you cuddle with me”. His reply was “It’s a horrible movie”. Then I messaged him this morning and here it is 2 hours later and no reply yet.

I just don’t get it. What am I doing wrong.

I bought a new truck. Got the Ford Ranger which I’m super excited about. Now I just need to get my Torino and my Bronco down here so I can get them sold or whatever.

And lastly, fucking TAXES. I owe $24,000!!!! Every time I feel like I’m getting ahead in my life and getting some cash built up in my accounts, the fucking government comes and steals it all away.

So this is going to be a kind of long post. Maybe I’ll break it up into 2 posts.

This post is going to talk about things have happened long ago, things that are happening currently and how they interact together.

As everyone knows, I used to spend a lot of time climbing, camping, hiking, etc when I lived in LA. I met a lot of people back then and had a lot of fun with them. I thought we had become friends with most of them not super close friends but close enough that we keep in touch we follow each other and we message each other now and then.

First when I moved back to SF, I was expecting that some of those old people would at least want to hang out. I reached out to most of them when I arrived, we chatted but never seem to hang out. Most of them basically made zero effort to try and hang out which hurt a lot. But whatever. LIke I said, we were never super close friends but I at least expected they would hang out.

This past weekend, I was checking linkedin and noticed one of my friends who used to live in NYC was now living in SF. Now he and I again met climbing, I stayed at his house a couple times in NYC he stayed at my house in LA. We chat every couple months, we last facetimed in November. We haven’t hung out in person in years basically because we have both been off doing our own things. But I thought we were at least friends that if we MOVED/LIVED close enough to each other we’d at least notify each other. So I texted him… I was kinda tough, TBH but I was really upset. I guess I really do just expect too much out of people. He replied that he “had thought of me many times but has just been so busy”.

I again call this “busy” BULL SHIT. If I had found out I was moving to NYC, the FIRST people I would have contacted would have been him. It literally takes TWO SECONDS to say “Hey CJB! I’m moving to SF in XXXX time/monnth whatever”. That’s all it would have taken. Just so frustrating.

Second historical thing… Canadian Army guy. He and I met climbing again the earliest reference to him I can find is 2010, so 9 years at this point. When I first met him, I had a major ass crush on him. The first time i remember him we were climbing somewhere and this cocky ass asian guy comes in and he and I try climbing one of the hardest routes in the area. He gets to the second to last hold and we spend maybe an hour with him trying it over and over and over again. He finally crushed it and by the end of that day, I wanted to make out with him so badly. WE never did anything, ever. He lives in canada and so after I met Calvin he and I would hang out every now and then, we’d climb, we’d laugh. Come to find out he has a husband, has the life _I_ want.

Anyway, for some reason in the past two weeks he’s suddenly started sending me nudes, sending me videos and pic of him fucking these other guys. It’s super HOT but also makes me insanely jealous. I’ve wanted him so long but I can never have him and it makes me annoyed. I don’t really know what else to say about this situation, I mean obviously not everyone will be into me but whatever. I enjoy the pics he sends me and wish he and I could be closer friends, even if we NEVER do anything. He’s an awesome guy would love to hang out with him more.

He has also been telling me all his conquests during out climbing trips and they make me a bit jealous. He basically fucked all the guys I had crushes on during that time.

He’s apparently moving to Saskatoon too and he’s invited me camping in the prairies. I want to go, but I also feel that’ll be WAY to hard emotionally for me.

Anyway. I have a meeting but have a lot more to discuss, look for a second post later!

I’ve been on the verge of tears the past two days. All this rejection is just piling up and really annoying me. I keep going on dates, I meet these guys. I have a good first date, maybe a second date and then nothing happens after that.

Construction guy is most on my mind right now. I mean we texted for nearly a month before our first meeting. Messaging every day. We met, I thought we had a good time. We laughed, talked, we went on a nice walk. We kissed on the cheek at the end of the dat and we made plans to see each other the next time he was in SF. We kept texting every day after that. Then I told him my status and BOOM. Gone.

Then I went on that date with ZenDesk, again I had a great time. We hiked for 5 hours, we ate lunch together, we talked nearly the entire time about stuff…. I thought we had a good time. We chatted Monday. I sent him a text Tuesday morning we talked a bit he said he was going to a meeting. I sent him a message and NO REPLY since then. DO I both messaging him again?

Whole Foods, met him in PS, we texted a lot. We’re supposed to have our first real date tomorrow. Haven’t heard from him since Monday. I texted him last night. No reply yet.

Vegas, again we met while I was in Vegas, had dinner together, we’ve kept in touch texting nearly every day. Then this past Sunday, nearly radio silence from him. He says he’s been “busy”.

And then all the past guys, the same thing happens over and over again. I don’t get it. What am _I_ doing wrong? Do I expect too much from these people? Do I expect too much communication back? Are they just not interested?

Not even to mention the MANY MANY guys that I match with, chat with for a little bit and then don’t even end up meeting for one reason or another or the MANY guys that I go on one date with and we clearly don’t click at all.

This whole “I’m busy” thing is BS, IMHO. I am busy too. I have a full time job, I have side businesses, I work out, I walk my dog. Maybe I’m just better at multi-tasking than these people but who knows?

And it always seems like I’m the one putting in the effort, always the one reaching out first. Always the one trying to make plans. If I just sit here and wait for them to message me, nothing ever comes my way. Am I just that forgetful or boring?

Maybe I should have just accepted the crazy boys marriage proposal, been done with it and just made it work. I’ve been on so many dates since moving to SF, I’ve tried every angle I can think of, move slowly, move quickly, try to be friends first, step back and not communicate as much, communicate more, not text as much, try to be more funny, try to be less negative, try to be this, try to do that. I don’t know what else I can do.

It pisses me off so much too cause I keep seeing these guys getting into relationships, either my friends or people I’ve gone on dates with in the past, and it makes me jealous because they don’t even seem to appreciate what they have! So many guys after they are in relationships tell me about their grindr hookups still or whatever.

One of my friends says it’s because I “live in the middle of no where”. Well I’m sorry but where I am is NOT the middle of no where, trust me. I’ve LIVED in the middle of no where. I went nearly 2 years without a single date when living there. Just because it takes a little bit to get to where I live, shouldn’t be a deciding factor into life and love. I’m willing to make the time to commute, travel to someone in the city and I hope that I offer enough to make that worth while as well. It’s not like I’m only dating in the city either, I’ve tried Sac, Davis, Napa, etc.

I just don’t understand. What can _I_ do to make it easier/better to date me….

So, I’ve had a marriage proposal! LOL. I said no. It was from the guy who moved in/out quickly. But there’s no way I could do it.

I got Construction’s reply back RE my status. Basically he went on this big long rant about how he’s already accepted he will be single for life and that he’s only willing to accept the “perfect” boyfriend and how he can’t really trust people and blah blah blah. Haven’t heard a peep from him since that. So whatever. I’m sort of upset but if he’s gonna be like that then fuck him.

Whole foods boy and I still haven’t met. We were supposed to meet on Saturday but his moving truck was late so we ended up not meeting. He said he has Thursday off, so I’m hoping we can meet then.

On Friday I matched with this guy who works at ZenDesk. We chatted briefly, decided to hike on Sunday and then met on Sunday for our hike. It was really nice. I enjoyed it a lot, he seems very nice he’s into hiking and camping he’s very cute… So now let’s just hope for a second date.

A few other guys that I’ve been chatting with have sort of faded off.

I haven’t been to the gym in weeks. I am gonna go today after work It’ll kill me for sure.

I paid off my Infiniti this weekend. So that’s exciting. I’m planning on using it to trade in on a new Ford Ranger.