Author: Cj B

April 10, 2001

april 10. today’s pretty shitty too. yeah, life sucks at the moment. i need

out of here. i should be studying for that test in government that’s over

300 pages in the book, but i really don’t want to. i’ve got a test in accounting

on tues, the day after we get back, the bastards. oh well it’s earlier then

normal so it shouldn’t inturupt to much. i went jogging last night and i think

i pulled something, i’m in so much fucking pain right now. my asthma was really

acting up last night to. i should get that looked into. i did once, a long

time ago, but i never took the meds, cause it didn’t bother me any, but now

it’s starting to get pretty bad. i didn’t even make a quarter mile before

i had to stop and rest. i dunno. i need to do alot of things, but i never

get them done. i talked to j

again last night. he’s pretty cool i guess. i think he’s pretty closed minded

then, he didn’t really want to classify himself though, so yeah. i dunno.

i was going to actually talk to him this morning, but i haven’t seen him all

day. i really want to talk to danny though. as julian

put is "much boy confusion." at the moment. crosswinds really needs

to get fixed soon this is pissing me off. i have so much to do right now.

i officially sent in my rejection of the job offer yesterday, it was really

hard for me to do it. my parents are just bieng such ass holes about it all

and stuff. it’s like. they were all supportive about my wanting to take the

offer and go work out there, but then i got that other offer there at mitigwa,

and they told my G&G about it, and my grandma is just nuts about her precious

little grandchildren leaving the state. and yeah, i think she’s behind most

of it, but i don’t know, as long as if i get into college out there, they

let me go, that’s what i really want. "Current Status: Your application

has been received and is being reviewed. Thank you for applying to Penn State."

yeah, it’s been received, they better get back to me damn soon though, or

i’m going to be pissed cause i have to get all that shit filled out and soon.

i also have to do the whole housing crap and yeah, man i got so much to do

right now. it’s tuesday.

April 9, 2001

april 9, #2, so danny called tonight, just for like a couple mibnutes, it

was so good to hear his voice. i love his voice. but you know what really

sucks about this whole thing, it’s that saturday, this saturday is our 5 month

anniversiary and we won’t be talking. we’ll be apart on our 5 month ann. this

really sucks. damnit. right now i need him in my life more then ever, everything

is just ripping me apart from the inside. i don’t want to go home this weekend,

i really really don’t, damnit. i want him to be here, right now i need him,

but he’s not here. i wish he were more open about things to. someitmes i just

feel like he’s down, but he doesn’t talk about it. i wish he would talk to

me about some of these things, i love him, i want to be there for him when

he needs me, and i wish he were he where i need him. and i need him now. but

he’s not here. i’m so sad right now. i just want to cry.<

April 9, 2001

april 9. so it’s almost noon here, and it’s just a plain sucky ass day. i

miss danny so much already. damnit. i talked to him about that thing yesterday.

and he said that we should take some time apart. i don’t really agree with

that. i dunno. i wrote him a letter yesterday. it was damn long. i didn’t

sleep at alll last night. this sucks so much. it’s just like, everything is

just ripping me apart. i can’t stand it. i really didn’t want to get out of

bed this morning. i just wanted to lay there and think about him. damnit.

i dunno. i’ve got 5 more weeks here, only 5 weeks left. then i’ll be home

for 3 weeks, then i’m gone for the rest of the summer. it’s going to suck

so much. damnit.

April 8, 2001

april 8, #4. so i’m talking to danny right now, yeah, i dunno, he just seems

so, i guess out of it. it feels kidna like we’re falling apart or something,

i dunno. putting this here’s not going to fix the problem, but i just needed

some where to think about it. we’ve just kinda fallen into a grove and yeah,

i mean. i still love him, i think about him when he’s not here, and i worry

about him when he seems down. but it’s just i dunno, maybe it’s that were

not an everyday part of each others lives, we’re not there to be with each

other, or something. i wish so badly that we could be together, but i know

that we can’t be, at least not now. sometimes i just wanna cry. I’m going

to go now.

April 8, 2001

april 8, #3. so i’ve been thinking about pretty much nothing again latley,

you know i just get into thos gorves and just think about stuff. i dunno.

it’s like sometimes i just don’t care and i just kinda follow what’s put infront

of me, and i don’t look down the road, but then every once in a while i just

hit something and it’s like, omg what was i thinking when i did that, or omg

what if. you know. and i just think about that one thing and just keep thinking

about it, and it’s like it won’t go away but then eventually it does, so yeah.

right now it’s like, my summer, what am i going to do, i know what i’m going

to be doing, but it’s like what _am_ i going to do. i know what i mean, but

i don’t know how to deal with it. it’s, it’s just i’m going to be camping

for 10 weeks str8 this summer. 10 weeks, i mean i’ve been away for 10 weeks

str8 before, but now i have someone that i love in my life, and i don’t want

to leave him for 10 weeks, and not be able to talk to him, or even talk about

him at all. i mean i’ll be able to call danny like once a week, maybe twice,

but i mean. it’s still. i just don’t know. i love scouting, and i like what

they do, but i obviously don’t like how they practice somethings. and i mean,

i know i could go to Campfire Kids, or YMCA camp or something, but i’ve been

raised on scouting and it’s just not something that i want to give up right

now. as i sit here writing this i’m wearing a Philmont Sweatshirt, a Mitigwa

Lodge T-shirt and a Carabeaner (sp?) that has "be prepared" on it.

it’s ARG. I’ve been thinking.