We had a huge fight, again. Over the same fucking shit. Time and time again.
I give him so much in my life, I give him and show him how much I care all the time and yet he can never seem to get it or give back. I ask for somme BASIC stuff in our relationship and yet he can never seem to give back to me what I need in a relationship. He just can’t seem to give me the basics.
Things had been really good, we’ve been having a good time, enjoying each other. But it’s just back to the same fucking shit again of just not feeling loved, him being able to show or care about anything.
I ask him for the basics, “ask me how my day is”; “text me back when I text you”. Stuff like that. It’s not like I’m fucking asking him to cook me dinner every day, make me coffee every day. Etc. But yet he says that I am nit-picking him.
Yesterday it really came to a head again… During the day, I broke one of his beer glasses, I thought to myself that he was going to be pissed and I was super upset that I broke it. I cleaned up the mess and put it in the trash. He got home and first thing he did was put something in the trash and he saw the glass. His response was “Why did you break my glass”… “WHY”? Like he’s implying that I broke it on purpose or something. I told him that I was upset that he says “Why” and he just says “I’m just joking”. Well to me that’s not a joke. I was honestly upset about breaking the glass and you’re just making it worse.
Then we had to go return these tennis rackets, I asked him if he wanted to return them and play tennis or just return them. He said he wanted to play, so we get there, we play for an hour and then come home. At some point it comes up that apparently he only played because I was being “sarcastic” in my tone and he thought that I would be pissed if he said “No” to playing. I don’t give a shit about playing. I am only trying to play tennis because I WANT to share something with him. I don’t actually want to play, I’m not good at it and I’ll never be that great.
I dunno, it just spiraled down hill again. It went so bad and at one point, I got out of bed and went to the living room. Hoping he would come out and want to talk about things. But no, He just WENT TO SLEEP in the bedroom. Like he doesn’t even care that I’m upset, he doesn’t do anything to try and make it better or even try to talk through things.
That’s all I want, I want him to listen, I want him to understand where I’m coming from and I want him to change and treat me better. But he just isn’t capable of doing that. When he screws up, I just want him to say: “I’m sorry”. Perfect example again. We have been watching this show called “Special” on Netflix. We were going to watch another episode last night and in the “continue watching for Christopher” thing in Netflix it was the second option and he said “Well it seems like you’ve already watched another episode”. I told him no,, I haven’t and it’s a little offensive to me that you would even accuse me of watching that when you know we are both watching it together. All I wanted him to do was say. “I’m sorry, I know you wouldn’t watch it without me”. But no, he just sat there in silence.
EVERYTHING I do, I think about him, I include him. I think about what he would want or not want. He doesn’t seem to be able to do that at all for me. Example again: We found this mochi doughnut place in Martinez, We said “let’s go together”. Well apparently he went one day before work and got HIMSELF a fucking doughnut without even thinking about me, texting me to ask if I wanted one or anything. _I_ would never do that. I would never say “let’s go to this place together” and then go WITHOUT him and not at least get him a something and bring it home.
Same example goes for things like coffee or protein shakes at home or even when we’re at the gym. Time and Time again, he will make HIMSELF a protein shake and not ask me if I want one. Or like when we go to the gym, we have a routine and sometimes he will just go off and do something without me. Without asking or saying ‘hey, why don’t we switch it up and do X while we’re resting” or “hey, lets’ add an extra stretch in today”. It really pisses me off. INCLUDE your boyfriend, your PARTNER.
I just don’t know if it’s worth trying to continue to push for change and communication or is it just time to call it an end and move on. We just continue to have the same fights over and over and over again and nothing seems to change.
Even this morning, after a night of fighting and problems. He couldn’t even have the energy to text me when he got to work to say “have a good day” or anything like that. And when I texted him, he just said “thank you”.
“I’m terrified of being alone”; “I’m terrified of having wasted this time”.