Well, I’m back from week of cycling through the state of California. 545 miles from SF to LA. This is my third time doing it and it was a tough tough challenge yet again.
I should have written daily updates, TBH. Because a lot happened but now I don’t really want to post about them. Overall the ride was’t the sense of community that I wanted or should have felt. I felt pretty alone most of the time. I only really felt like I had a good time on one day when I spent the day riding with this guy Tam who I had met months ago on instagram. It was our first time meeting up IRL and we had a good time riding together.
I was pretty pissed at Charles on the second to last day. Originally the plan was that he was supposed to come down Friday-Sunday. Meet me in Ventura on Friday night, go to the evening program with me, the HIV/AIDS Vigil on the beach and then the next day meet me at the finish line. Well, stuff at work happened and he told me he couldn’t come at all. Then Thursday night he texted me that he got Friday off and maybe he can drive down and meet me in Ventura still, spend the night and then drive home Sat morning to get to work. I told him that I would love it but it is a lot of driving and the gave him all the info about when and where to meet me. Well he texts me at 9am and said he just work up and couldn’t make it on time. I told him he could still make it cause it was only 6 hrs drive. He texted me again about 2 hours later that he “fell back asleep” and that there was no way he could make it now. Blah blah blah “And 6 hours round trip would be really tough on me”.. WTF I fucking spent 6 days RIDING MY GOD DAMN BIKE you don’t think that was fucking TOUGH ON ME… well then he ended up spending the day with Eric, going to dinner and a movie together (they saw top gun which is a move that _I_ wanted to see as well). This really really pissed me off. He knew how much this fucking ride meant to me and he did literally nothing to show his support. He didn’t even ask me every day how the ride was or what was going on on the ride. I was really upset.
we talked late that night and he said he loved me and blah blah blah that he’s sad that he can’t SHOW me his love more. WTF does that mean. It’s basic relationship shit, ASK how people are doing, ask how work is, etc. I just feel like he doesn’t give a shit about my life at all. When I went out to dinner with Hut/Sean and Brian/David they asked all kinds of questions about how the ride was, how the food was, what the showering setup was, how was camp. Etc etc. Charles hasn’t asked one fucking question about any of that. He hasn’t asked to see my pics or anything.
I also texted him on Friday saying “I hope there are cookies waiting for me when I get home sunday”. Hoping he would get the fucking hint and go buy me crumble cookies and have them for me. Well, I get home sunday and guess what, no fucking cookies. He says he “forgot”. WTF. Does he even give a shit about me at all?
Before we left of the Philippines, I hid some love notes in his work shirts so that he would find them while I was gone on the ride. He never once texted me saying he found them or anything. I asked him if he found them and he said yes. Well wtf, basic stuff again. TEXT YOUR BF AND SAY “AWW THANKS LOVE”.
We went and signed lease paper work for a new apartment yesterday too. We’re moving in together. But the more I write about this stuff, the less I want to live with him. The less I feel like he actually cares about me or our relationship. What about ME does he actually love/like. Cause the way he treats me, the way he doesn’t ask about my life, it shows to me that he doesn’t actually care.
Sean asked me if he’s finically benefiting from me, he’s not (yet), but I sort of wonder in the back of my mind if he’s just playing the long game, knowing that once he starts school he can lean on me to pay for everything. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, maybe I’m just being negative about “how can anyone love me” but I just don’t know. I just don’t FEEL love form him.
When he picked me up at the airport on Sunday, I got in the car, he gave me a quick Peck of a kiss and then off we drove. After a week apart, I would have expected a big long kiss. But nope. He acted like he had just seen me a few hours before.