Philippines, no more Oakland


So, it’s been a while since I last posted and there’s a reason for that. A lot has been happening and I just didn’t really have the time or mental energy to post anything.

First, I’m out of Oakland completely. It cost me $11,700 to pay off the fucking lease. Derik got a new 1 bedroom apartment in the building and I’m basically compensating some of his rent there too. Super annoying and now I am basically homeless. I’ve been living with Charles at his house but it just doesn’t feel comfortable living there. It’s not “my” space and I feel like I’m invading his family space. He and I have been talking about moving in together but after this trip to the Philippines, I just don’t know. I’m super annoyed with Derik that all this shit happened. I honestly don’t know what I did to get treated like this from him. I want to send him a nasty email, but what’s the point.

Charles and I just got back from the Philippines. We are sitting at the airport now waiting on the last leg to get home. It’s been a rocky trip, let’s be honest and I am not 100% sure this relationship is going to last after everything that happened. Before we even booked the flights and stuff he told me the area we were going to go to and told me to look for things I wanted to do. I found a bunch of stuff and sent to him and I assume he sent it to his mom. His mom sent back a list of stuff she was planning on doing, all of it seemed great. One of the top things I was looking forward to was going to see Hundred Islands. Basically NOTHING was planned, none of the activities his mom listed got done and his family went to Hundred Islands before we even got there.

The problems started on day one when we got there. We stayed at this seaside resort called “funtasia”. It wasn’t the nicest place, but it was fine. Not the nicest place to be but it wasn’t the worst. Well we get there and apparently he thought that I was going to be annoyed by how bad it was. Which caused our first fight. He was making an assumption that I wouldn’t like the place. I can’t remember all the details but we got into a fight that day.

The next day was his family reunion which was tons of fun. We got to the house where it was around noon and started drinking. We got home around midnight. There was tons of food, drinks, like 200 people, tons and tons of food. While we were at the party, one of his cousins suggested we go to this waterfall the next day, he described it as a 20 minute walk and this big waterfall.

Well, so the next day we all get up early (15 of us total) and get going. We go to the market and get fish to cook for lunch, while we’re there. Charlie tells them that I don’t eat fist and they need to get a chicken or something for me. We then go to Jolliee bee and get breakfast for everyone which takes forever. then we go back to the house. This had taken 2 hours already. then we all pile into a van and drive for an hour. We get to some place and they say they have to go rent a 4×4. So after like 30 minutes they tell us we got the 4×4, which we arrive at and it’s this tiny ass jeep which can sit MAYBE 6 people. Remember, there are fucking 15 of us. So we cram 11 people into the 4×4 and then the rest take a tricycle. We start off on this crazy ass rocky trail and we’re going and going and going and going. Finally someone asks the driver how far it is and he says its 1 HOUR OF DRIVING in this fucking packed AF jeep. So at this point, I’m fucking pissed. Like why didn’t anyway communicate any of this to anyone. We finally get to the end of the jeep trail and it’s another 30 minutes of walking. In like 90 degree heat and 100% humidity, it was horrible. This caused another fight between Charlie and I, not really a fight but I was compliainig about why no one communicated anything and he got all pissed off and told me to “shut up”. I told him, “look, I’m not mad at you, I’m just frustrated that no one communicated any of this and I just wish you’d share in my frustration” that seemed to resolve that issue. We ended up having a fun day, but it was suppppper annoying to start out with.

The next day we had to take his brother back to Manila, which is a 6 hour drive from where we were. We get back to Manila and check into the condo that his mom had arranged. Our room was GROSS. I mean bugs everywhere. You walk in and there were bugs, and bugs and bugs. It was GROSS. I’ve stayed in some bad places but this is def the worst and I let him know that. He was also complaining about the bugs constantly. I said something like “I would rather not stay here, can we just book our own place”. I forget what he said but basically it was no and he told me to book my own room. Obviously I’m not going to do that because I am not leaving him. We get ready and tells me “we’re all going to the mall”. I had told him earlier that day that I needed to exchange money an he said he needed to as well. We get to the mall and his cousin starts asking people where the money exchange is. I ask him, “did you know that we were going to exchange money” and basically they were looking for it JUST FOR HIM. I got pissed at this point. Yet again he failed to communicate to me what was going on. He said I should have KNOWN because he told me we were going to the mall and I knew he didn’t have money so “how was I going to shop if we didn’t exchange money”.

I got livid at this point, I pulled him aside and we got into it massively. he told me I was “disgusting” because I didn’t want to stay in this cockroach infested nasty apartment/condo. The worst part is we were with his family at this point, including two cousins and of course he refuses to even talk about anything. He told me to get my own fucking hotel room, so I started booking one.

I forget exactly what happened but we get back to condo and start talking a bit more in private and we made up about things. But I’m still angry about it writing about it now.

The next day, three days were the best of the trip, Charles and I planned stuff and we went to a market, a gay bar, a fort, shopping, and some other random ass stuff. I think these were the only two days we didn’t get into a fight.

We flew to IloIlo to see his step mom who he hadn’t seen in 5 years. That was super cute. I think we did get into a little bit of an argument that night actually, I can’t remember but I think the issue was that he was stressed about making me happy and he was upset that he thought I was bored while we were with his step mom. not a big issue, basically I told him that everything is fine, don’t worry about it.

There were some arguments too about sex, basically I am not getting enough of it but I don’t really want to get into that.

Then we flew back to Manila and got the Hyatt hotel in city of dreams which was fucking amazing. I douched that night hoping we could have sex. I had work to do and when I got in bed he was just like “ok goodnight”.

The next day was also fine until the evening. We did shopping, hung around the hotel, etc. Didn’t do much. That night, I am honestly not fucking sure what happened. we had a nice dinner with his mom and family, We were all standing in the hotel casino and they decided to go to bed and Charlie said he wanted to go out. I didn’t REALLY want to go out, but I was fine with going. I’m sure it did show. I told him to find a bar and he scrolled through google for like 10 minutes and never picked something. During this time, I kept suggesting we just go tot he hotel bar and have some drinks and then go back to the room. Well he finally agreed to that but we went to the bar and he was clearly upset/not talking. I got super annoyed that we were just sitting there in silence. So I told him I was just going to go back to the hotel room. It all went down from there and basically I ended up just storming off. He came back to the hotel roomm and we talked it out.

We’re back home now and I honestly don’t know where we stand. One of my biggest issues is just he doesn’t show any sort of affection (he holds my hand like 24.7 which is cute). but I want kisses, passion, I want him to WANT to have sex with me and not just feel like it’s a chore to him. The last few days he hasn’t said “I love you”; He doesn’t initiate any kisses.

I am justlost and I just want him to say, “babe, I love you and I want you” and to show it more. I just feel like he’s so self centered still sometimes and just wants someone who wants him.

I’m sure there’s a lot I forgot to write about, but I’m writing this while he’s in the shower and I don’t have much time.


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