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My Life

Move on already…

I am starting therapy on Friday and I sort of wanted to get some thoughts out before I start. Get them right in my head so that I can explain things properly to her.

The latest thing all started back in Feb. We met on grindr and started chatting. He had actually tapped me about 90 days before, now looking back. I wish I had replied to him then. Maybe I would be the guy who stole his heart. We met the first time for just a quick cuddle and fuck. He was so cute in person, shy, sweet, soft skin, beautiful eyes. The sex was kinda boring but NBD, I thought we both had fun. I figured like any other hookup, he would never message me again, so I didn’t bother to message him. A week later, he texts me and I invite him for dinner. I cook for him and we cuddle and fuck again. From there, it became more and more frequent. We started doing other things, kayaking, hiking, seeing movies, going out to dinner. I started to really like him.

He was so sweet, we had a lot in common, when we hung out we always had stuff to talk about. We didn’t always have sex every time, sometimes we just cuddled. Sometimes he spent the night, other times he didn’t. I thought things were finally looking up for me. Maybe this would finally turn into a nice relationship. The one thing I didn’t like is that he would rarely ever initiate contact. It was always me reaching out to him. But when I did reach out, he was always up for chatting or hanging out. I got to the point where I wanted to see him every day, but I held back and didn’t push it with him. I didn’t want to overwhelm him too quickly, it had only been a couple months really.

Then, I went to Big Sur and I really realized how much I missed him. All I could think about the entire weekend with no cell service was him. I just waned to see him, hold him, have him on the trip with me. I wished he had come along. On the drive back, I texted him that I missed him. He replied with something like “don’t text and drive”. My heart sank. He didn’t miss me back.

We saw each other that week, I forget if it was Mon or Tuesday but things seemed fine. We had a good time like normal, we had sex, we cuddled. Jason came into town on Thursday so I didn’t see Suresh again for the weekend. I texted him again that weekend that I missed him and again, some generic reply.

Then, I got the letter on Monday. He had feelings for someone else and I was crushed. Ever since then, all I can think about is him. I just want to be happy, I want someone to text me and say I miss you.

We tried to hang out as friends a few times after that. We did an evening sunset hike which was super amazing and all I wanted to do the entire time was hold his hand, cuddle him, kiss him. We did a weekend hike with my friends Saturday of Memorial Day weekend.

After the hike we had a talk, cleared up our “just friends” thing, agreed to hang out more. He went home after that and did his family baby shower. I didn’t hear from him the rest of the weekend. I was in the city and saw so many Red Prius. Everywhere I look now, there’s a red fucking Prius and all I can think about is: “Is that him, where is he going, who is he with”. On my drive home from the city on Monday, I drove past his house. his car was gone, I knew he was with his boy. He finally texted me on Tuesday asking to hang out on Wed. I agreed.

He came over and we played video games, during the video games we talked about our weekend. He said he went to “someone’s house” and got too drunk. I asked, “your boys?” He said yes. I was crushed. I filled my wine glass and tried to put on a happy face.

Every day, all I can think about is him. Where is he, what is he doing. What did I do wrong to not win his heart. I treated him with love and kindness every time I saw him. I encouraged him to follow his passions, I told him I wanted to hear him play guitar. I cooked for him, I invited him into my life and to hang out with my friends.

I’ve had to change my walking and driving habits because previously I would pass by his house every day. (for years, unknowingly!) I can’t stop thinking about him. I want to text him, every time my phone dings. I want it to be him, saying “I miss you”. Or “I want to see you”. I want to just hold him again, kiss his neck, run my hands through his hair. I want to see him so badly, I want to try and be friends with him so that he can see how great I am, so that maybe I can win him over. But I know the pain is probably not worth the effort. I can change my mindset to be “just friends” with him at some point but is it worth going through months of heartache.

I want to come home from walking astra and see his car parked in front of my house, him waiting for me to give me a hug. I want to get another letter in the mail from him, saying “I Was wrong, I care about you”. I want to bump into him on the street or the store and be able to smile and hug him.

On Monday, it really was him. He messaged me that “I know you want some space but my friend at work was asking about your teardrops.” I gave him the basic run down info, told him, “Thanks, hope you’re well”. He said “Thanks, likewise”.

I just don’t understand why, why am I never the one who people choose to be with. I feel like I’m a great guy. I have my life together, I have a nice house, I have a good job, I do fun things (at least I think so?). But yet, I’m never the one who get’s chosen, I’m always the reject. I bet you Suresh and this guy will go on and have a happy long term relationship now…

I even applied to this SF private sex party thing. On recommendation of one of my friends. I got rejected from that.

This is just a recurring theme for me, Army, Suresh, etc etc. I keep falling for these guys and I keep getting rejected. Am I just chasing the wrong guys? Am I doing something wrong?

I just need to move on already, the rejection sucks but it won’t get any better. He won’t come back and say any of those things. It’s just like Calvin, I’ve waited 6 years for him to say something. I’ve given him hints, I flew there to see him once. But it will never happen. 6 years of my life down the drain waiting on him, how much more time will I waste waiting on Suresh or Army or any one else that I cared about and that moved on from me.

I doubt he even spent a minute since then thinking about me.. Wondering where I was, what I was doing, if I missed him.

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