So this past weekend was our family reunion. Honestly, I don’t really know why we do these things because they all see each other plenty. But we all met up and rented this cabin in the woods in western Iowa.
I was supposed to fly in on Thursday evening and then leave early Friday for the place. Well, I flew to Dallas and then my flight was cancelled from Dallas to DSM. I got a hotel in Dallas and hooked up with this cute boy. He was super awk but we had fun. Went to the airport early the next day, I had therapy from 11-12 and my flight was at noon, so I wanted to be at the airport before. Well I get there and go too the AA lounge and do my therapy which was super awk because I’m sure a ton of people over heard it. Then my fucking flight was delayed until 4pm. Finally got on the damn plane. I paid for first class tickets and due to the cancellation I ended up in a middle seat.
I kept day dreaming that Suresh was going to be on the flight. I could see him and then go sit next to him and have a talk. He of course was not on the flight.
We got to the house and everyone was there already. Doing our normal family thing of just sitting around and chit-chatting. Boring. Went to bed and found out that in my room I have one bar of service if I hold my phone just right… I saw instagram and suresh has posted this cute cactus that looked like a heart and said “Mother Nature sends her love”. Was it directed at me? Probably not.
Of course, it just made me think about him so much.
The next day we rented this UTV thing and drove around the reserve. It was tons of fun. Erin had brought this other girl/boy Quinn. He/She was annoying AF. And my cousin was just egging her on. Like she had a real attitude torwards me. By the end of saturday night I had had enough and I said something like “if you don’t knock it off with the attitude you’re going to get a fist in your face” and my cousin was like “ohh, we’re going to make chris cry”. WTF that is not an appropriate response.
I have realized that my cousin and her mother are fucking bullies. Like the women in this family just control the fuck out of their men. IT’s really disgusting.
This also made me really sad that I didn’t have anyone there to be with me. I am all alone and sad.
It’s weird, because I honestly have a bunch of boys chasing me, but none of them are people who it would actually work out with. Like some of them are foreign boys, some I am just not that into, etc etc. So why can I not just move past suresh and get him out of my mind. Things would have never worked between us. I can see that, I know that. But yet, I still love him to death.
Speaking of, Army popped back into my life this weekend too. He’s in Egypt but we have been texting every day. He’s such a great guy and he apologized for what he did to me the during the earlier times we were together.
And then, DEB cornered me at the reunion and was like:” I want to see you and Calvin back together, blah blah blah. he’s so amazing blah blah blah” Yes deb. I know he’s amazing, yes, I would love to see us back together too. But he is with some one, we are miles apart and also who knows if in the last 6 years he or I have changed to the point where we don’t fit together any more.
I just want to be a happy family, I want to have a partner. I don’t want to be here alone any more.