My Life

I am going to start therapy again

I have too. My mind is just too fucking crazy. I cannot stop thinking about these things, the past the present, the future. What am I doing in my life. Tony says I catastophize, which is probably right.

So after our hike the other day, suresh sent me a message saying: “Had a good time on the hike yesterday even if I was exhausted for some of it! Let’s keep hiking… and I was serious about me wanting to rewatch the Magicians”. We talked back and forth a bit after that and agreed to keep watching the show/hiking/etc. He says he would let me know after he got his schedule. Well yesterday was monday and a holiday. No word from him. Of course I go crazy. I check his instagram, I check the views on my stories. I was in SF with Rex and all I could think about was him. What was he doing, where was he, was he out fucking other boys, was he with the “guy”. Was he just hanging out with family or friends? On the drive back from SF I saw FOUR identical versions of his car, dark tinted windows and all. That made me even more crazy. I did something incredibly stupid and drove past his house. Of course his car wasn’t there. I tried to reason with myself: “he’s out doing deliveries”; “He’s out with his HS friends that he was telling me about on saturday”. But in reality he’s probably out with that guy, or on a date or something. He finally just replied now. He said “sorry, I was off my phone all day yesterday.”. Yeah, I know.

I honestly thought after getting his letter, that would be the end of it. I would never hear from him again. Then he came back and we talked and hung out. Then after our talk on saturday, I thought to myself again. “Ok, this is it. I am not going to reach out to him, I DOUBT he will reach out to me”. But of course, he sent me that fucking message on Sunday. Rejection flat out seems so much easier then trying to convert from feelings to friends. I almost wish he would just reject me due to my status, but to be 100% honest, I’m not even sure he KNOWS my status. We talked briefly about it, but I am not sure he _got_ it.

Then, I keep thinking about my situation. I am making tons of money, love to travel, have these dreams for the future but no one to share them with. I don’t have those friends that all go to big group trips, I don’t have friends who will even go on the fucking sailing class with me. So what am I going to do in 2-5 years when I have so much more Free time? I will just be alone doing what I want to do and that’s not what I want to be doing. Why am I even bothering with doing all this hard work to accomplish what I wanted in life. What is even the point without someone that I care about to share It with? What is the point of life that I have built so far, I am alone. I am sad all the time. I feel desperate and unwilling to continue sometimes. Sometimes I just want to cry in bed all day, but I am unable to get those emotions to come out.

I feel like I just want to sell everything and just start traveling now, maybe move to the city, spend some time volunteering for a few years. BUT THEN, I spent yesterday IN the city and I remember how the gay community is there, so stuck up and all about looks and social media. not my type of people to hang out with.

AND THEN on the positive side, there’s this guy I’ve been chatting with for three years who lives in Vietnam. I’ve never mentioned my status to him before. We matched on tinder when I was there visiting with Army and never got the chance to meet him. But we just check in with each other off and on. You know, standard “oh, how was your day”. etc etc. WIth Covid we had been checking in more frequently. About a week ago (after one of the 3 or 4 rejections I got for my status), I messaged him and was like “Would you reject me cause I”m HIV+”. He then told me he was also Poz and since then we’ve been chatting a lot more. Getting to know each other better. He’s cute, smart, has a good job. Has already lived in Canada for 6 years during university. But Do I really want to even THINK about another long distance relationship? I would have to put some serious guidelines around something like that. AND on top of that, when I was back in Iowa I met this guy Ram who lives in a tiny town outside of DSM. He is super into me as well and keeps saying things like “if only you lived closer, blah blah blah”. this seems to always be the same thing. I meet these guys who are far away and want to date me. But I can’t get any fucking people here in SF to like me at all. I feel it’s just cause where they are, there’s not as much choice, so I look good. Here in SF, there’s tons of options, so I look like crap. .. Wait, this didn’t really turn out positive, right?

Anyway, the point is. I’m going to start therapy again. It’s time to do it. Nick (from two years ago) recommended this lady in SF. So I called her today and left a VM. Hopefully she will call back and actually be helpful.

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