My Life

10 years and Too adventurous

So, today marks 10 years since I found out I was HIV+. It’s a sad day and I’ve been super depressed over many things recently. I don’t know what to do today to try and make it better. I wish I had friends around here who could hang out more frequently.

Suresh and I went to the movies Friday night, it was a good time (once it happened, I won’t go into the annoying details about that) and then we did a hike Saturday.

Both were amazing, I really care about this boy and he’s so sweet and great. IE at the movie theater, I was getting our tickets and he went to get drinks. He got me a Moscow mule without having to ask. Cause he remembers what I like to drink. Not many guys are like that at all.

On the drive back from the hike we had a long talk about things. He said he has feelings for this other guy, that this guy makes him feel safe and comfortable. The other guy has mental health issues so they haven’t seen each other in a while. I asked why he has feelings for that guy and not for me. He said, “you’re too adventurous for me.” That we had talked about our future plans and they don’t mesh with what he wants. I told him, I don’t care what I do. I just want someone to share my life and time with. I cried a little bit during the talk and when we got back we gave each other a nice big, tight hug and he left. I don’t know if I will ever see him again. But at least for now I have a bit of closure, even though I am still upset by it all. Of course my crazy brain keeps going back and thinking, what if I had replied to him the FIRST time he messaged me. 3 or for months before I finally replied, maybe then _I_ would be the one who he had feelings for because this other guy wouldn’t have been in the picture. Or maybe if I had expressed my feelings for him soon instead of trying to hide them and take things slowly to not scare him away. Or what if… you know who knows what I could have done, if anything to make it a different outcome. I just wish he and I could be enjoying this holiday weekend together. We could have gone camping or just hung out and cuddled and kissed all day.

I invited my friend mark over after Suresh left. He’s a pastor and someone I haven’t seen since start of Covid. He’s always very comforting and nice to talk to him. We had a good chat and I cried a bit more. But I am getting so tired of guys saying things like “you’re such a great catch, you’re a great guy blah blah blah” and yet NO ONE seems to actually want to date me. I wish that someone would be honest and say: “Chris, you need to do X or Y” differently.

Maybe I need to be less adventurous, maybe I just need to be more OK with sitting at home? But being single and lonely. I CANNOT just sit at home. It makes me even more depressed. If I had a husband/bf, I’d totally be fine staying home with him and just enjoying our time together.

I sure hope that at my 20 year anniversary that by then I have a husband, I have someone to share my life with. Etc etc.

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