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My Life

An amazing weekend. And a hard fall

This past weekend was just super amazing. My life used to be like this every weekend when I lived in LA. Always out doing things, having a good time with friends. I miss it so much and when it was over. The fall was hard to the bottom. I was super depressed after it was done.

Mike came up from LA on Friday and we went for a quick hike with the puppies, then drinks in Benicia, dinner and back home to just chill and go to bed. It’s funny how similar we are in our habits.

Saturday we got up and headed up to Napa. We did this amazing 45 mile bike ride through Wine country. We met up with Suresh and one of his friends in Calistoga (more on that in a minute) for lunch. After lunch we headed off to some wineries and had a great time. Got back to Yountville around 5pm and wanted to go to R&D Kitchen for dinner but the woman there was a TOTAL BITCH and wouldn’t let us in because we were in biking gear. Ended up going home, showering and then headed to Martinez for a quick bite and beer.

Ok, RE Suresh. He and I went hiking on Wed and he mentioned his friend was in town and they wanted to go wine tasting on Saturday and he had been looking around but couldn’t find any reservations. So I invited him to come along with us. Well we are sitting there at lunch and it sort of came up that they had instead decided to just go to the city. So He DROVE all the way from Vallejo to Calistoga just to have lunch with us then was going to drive to the city. That seems so weird. I told him they were welcome to come join us at the wineries and they came to the first one but headed out to go to the cit after. Then sunday, apparently they went wine tasting somewhere else and I messaged him on Instagram saying something like “wish I was there today” and he replied “you should have come”, I said: “I wasn’t invited” and he said: “You could have invited yourself”. Which I find very strange. I would never invite myself somewhere, even if I was DATING HIM. And after the letter he sent, I’m still not 100% clear on what our relationship actually is. I really feel we need to sit down and have a chit-chat about what is what. I really do like him way more then I realized.

So back to the weekend. We woke up around 6am Sunday, took the dogs for a quick walk and then mike packed up and left for home. Honestly, after he left I was in a super depressed state for the rest of the day. I think that the biking just really got my juices flowing, It was super a fun and super amazing day with him and suresh and then just being home alone again just totally crushed me. There are three other contributing factors to my total crash yesterday.
1) I met up with this guy last week for drinks. I thought we had a fun time, we made out, did the whole “Let’s hang out again” thing. Then just completely ghosted me since then.
2) I’ve been chatting with this guy for weeks who lives in Sacramento. He’s cute, my age, seems to have similar interests as me, so I was looking forward to our first date. Yesterday we were talking and he asked “Why are you single still, you seem so great”. Too which I replied with my standard, “well, mostly because I’m HIV+ and there’s still tons of stigma around that” And since then he has COMPLETELY changed. We were supposed to have our first date tomorrow (tuesday) and I guarantee you he will ghost me now.
3) Mike himself. In the weeks leading up to his arrival for this past weekend he’s been VERY flirty via text. Sending me scandalous pics, talking about his dick, etc. He arrived here and like one of the FIRST DISCUSSIONS we had once he arrived was how his bf/husband/whatever would be so angry if he ever did anything and how they are monogamous and blah blah blah. I wasn’t really EXPECTING anything to happen. I’ve known mike for 10+ years at this point and we’ve never been sexual or anything but you know, if something DID happen I wouldn’t have stopped it.

He and I also spent a lot of time talking about the old days in LA and the climbing group, etc. It makes me wonder too like what if he and I had dated instead of him and his BF and me and Calvin. Maybe we’d be celebrating 10 years now. Who knows.

I dunno. I just feel like I’m never going to have what I want in life. I feel like even if I do retire in the next 5 years, what will I do with my days and my life at that point. No one seems to care about me the way I want, I don’t have a big group of friends who will do things with me or invite me to do things. I feel that if I do buy a boat or whatever, I’ll never have people who will go out with me to do things.

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