My Life Not Published

Moving on to quickly?

Sitting in class in Oxnard. So fucking boring. This guy doesn’t really seem to know how to teach, again. We have wasted the ENTIRE morning on a chapter in the book that I have had finished about an hour ago. If not more. He wanted to get through three chapters today. I don’t think that’s going to happen before 5pm.

Last week was great. I talked to David every day. Tuesday-Friday. We talked on the phone. I only called HIM one of those times, he called me all the other times. It made me feel really great and I was happy that we were continuing our talks and what not. I haven’t heard from him since then. I txted him Saturday night, asking how the world wide photo walk was. No reply. He has replied to a few comments on Facebook of mine, directed at me, I told him to call me sometime this week. We shall see if he does. I dunno. I really fucking like this guy. I am so smitten with him, but at the same time, he lives in Dallas, and flying to dallas is NOT cheap like it was flying to Houston for Constantine. And with Const, he and I had dated for almost a year when I had to start flying there. David and I have spent a whole 4 days together. lol. Why am I so attached so quickly to him? I’m guessing there is something crazy or what not. It’ll never work. But I want to have hopes that something might?

Michael on the other hand, I am quickly getting over him. He’s too young. I have attempted now twice to go and visit him in PHX. Both times have been cancelled last minute. Now he’s saying that the earliest I could even come and visit is in late Sept! UGH. So whatever. I don’t know what to do any more. I’ve gone out of my way to try and visit him/get to know him and I just get rejected.

Again, I’m so fucking sick of being single, but I know that I can’t MAKE something happen. I just have to keep getting out there and meeting people and having a good time.

Lately I’ve been feeling as though I’ve lost my datability. I’m so afraid of making the wrong steps, saying the wrong things, being too forward, being embarrassed when I make a move and the other person doesn’t feel the same way. I’ve become so submissive in my personal life that it’s almost sad. I don’t want to make those dramatic moves that I used to, or command the presence that I once did from people I am interested in. I think it’s one of the reasons that I lost Morgan, I was constantly doubting myself infront of him, not demanding more of what I wanted and being very passive in asking for things from him. It was also a theme from the trip where Taylor kept telling me to stop being so down, etc.

I’m not sure how to move past this, I need to to be more agressive, I have to get over it and let my heart back out and ready to be shot down but not let it fall so far!

In other news, I’m here in Oxnard, like I said. I have to admit, I’ve hooked up with two really hot military boys. Yum. Everyone else in this town is a bit freaky! Most of the guys I’ve been chatting with are partnered wanting threesomes. lol. Gross.

Tonight we are having a happy hour thing with the other class participants. I’m not sure how I feel about that. They are all weird and I don’t know what to say to them. This one guy keeps getting up like every 15-20 minutes during class and wondering out and then he’ll come back. Seriously, do you have to pee that much or what!? Random!

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