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Letter From Andrew

On Aug 1, 2004, at 9:18 PM, mcgee103@chapman.edu wrote:
>It seems as though I can’t get through to you any other way. Maybe if I
>e-mail, you will take the time to read it through and try and understand
>how I feel.

>All I wanted to do today was talk to you. I was planning on telling you
>how I wished you had been able to come today, and that all day I thought
>about how much fun we had last year. Then we get on the phone, you get
>annoyed/upset or whatever about the supervisor thing and again about the
>ride thing. I just wanted to talk, and you seemed upset….

Yes, well I wish that I could have been there too. I spent a lot of time sitting and thinking this morning about how fun it was last year and how much fun it could have been this year too. I’m sorry that I apparently always sound upset to you, but how can I not be. Like I’ve said, every time we talk, it’s like you’re breaking up with me again, and again and again. And I just want to call you honey and say I love you, because I do so much. And it just hurts to not be able to do any of that.

>You know, last night I was so upset I had to cry myself to sleep. I can’t
>be certain, but I’d think you had to as well.

I know, and I did. And I hated that things happened that way, because I called to have a good talk and to actually talk to you because I know that we hvaen’t had much time to talk lately.

>Then you finally called, I was excited to finally talk to you and you just
>seemed upset about something. I thought we’d get to talk for awhile, and
>then suddenly you were leaving for Jon. And you know what, if you really
>want to know, I’m fucking jealous of him. JEALOUS. You are doing things
>with him that you always did with me, you are spending more time with him
>than you EVER spent with me, and you know what, it drives me crazy inside.
>Obviously I want you to have friends, but he just seems to ALWAYS be
>there. You never can talk to me because of him. You always have to go b/c
>he’s coming there, you guys or going out, or whatever.

Ok, first off. Yeah I’m hanging out with him a lot because I really like him and I really like his friends and I like his company and hanging out with him not ONLY gets me OUT of my apartment where I would go insane if I had to sit there alone with the roomie all the time, but it also helps me keep my mind off of you and how much it hurts to not have you in my life anymore. I’m also sorry that you’re so jealous of him. But if you recall just not that long ago when we were still dating, you were the one that was was always saying that YOU didn’t want to see ME every day of the week.

Sorry that I hang out with him a lot, but he’s a great friend. And I really hope that once you get here we can all hang out and have as much fun as he and I do, and as much fun as you and I used to.

>As we hung up, I was so frustrated and upset I didn’t know what to do. I
>wanted to put my fist through the wall. Instead I just listened to my
>music, layed on the bed, and cried for a few minutes. I texted you to let
>you know how I felt, and no response. You act like you don’t care. What I
>feel from you is that you don’t care. And I don’t think you understand how
>much it hurts me. I still care about you as much as I ever did… but you
>seem not to. When we were dating and you lived in CA, you always seemed to
>make time for me. Now that we aren’t I feel like I’ve just been swept to
>the wayside.

First, I DID txt you back. When we were dating and I lived here, I didn’t have any friends to do anything with. Secondly I honestly felt more obligated to make time for you. But now as ‘friends’ I don’t really feel like I should have to MAKE time for you everynight like I used to. Sure I still want to talk to you every night, but I don’t really feel like I should have to take an hour out of my day to talk to you every day. And before you get extremely pissed about me saying that…..

Think back to when YOU were here and how many times did I call and want to talk to you and you said that you couldn’t talk because you were hanging out with friends or getting ready to go out, or something along those lines and how many nights did we go with JUST saying good night to each other. And that was while we were STILL DATING!

So I honestly don’t think you have any right to get mad at me for being busy and feeling like I don’t have to make as much time for you as you seem to think that I should. And once you get here, that’s not going to change. I’m not going to stop hanging out with Jon all the time. Sure I’ll gladly make time for you, but probably not as much as if we were still together. Right now I don’t think that I’ll want to come over every night anymore like I was planning on.

>I’m not trying to make you feel bad, and I’m not trying to put a guilt
>trip on you. But I honestly feel like I’m doing all the work. I guess I
>just expected it to be the opposite–since I broke up with you, I figured
>you would be calling me a lot, wanting to talk to me, being enthusiastic.
>But it’s the other way around. I feel unwanted. I don’t know how to
>express it correctly. I feel so many things. I feel like so many of our
>conversations have ended on a bad note, and I’m so upset after some of
>them, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been getting
>frustrated lately because you seem so indifferent. Like you don’t care
>what happens, like you don’t care to see me, like you don’t care to try
>and patch things up.

I too feel like so many of our converstations have ended on bad notes, and it sucks. I hate it every time that we hang up the phone mad at each other. I sit here at work and thinkg about how much I hate being mad at you. And how I hate feeling like you’re mad at me.

And honestly, if I hadn’t had Jon to talk to, I would be calling you a hell of a lot more and crying my eyes out, etc. You have NO IDEA how much he hears about you and how much I talk about you and how much I tell him that I wish you hadn’t broken up with me. You have NO IDEA.

You should also know by now how I deal with things like this, and knowing how it’s delt you should have known that I wouldn’t be calling you a lot or wanting to really talk very much.

Anyways, I hope that _I_ explained more of how I feel and hopefully didn’t piss you off, because that’s not what this is about.

I told Jon tonight that tomorrow I’m reserving for you. So feel free to call me when ever you want to.

>Look, I’m sorry I hurt you. You know that I am. But I’m hurting too, and
>recently, I’ve been hurting a lot. Did you know that what’s going on
>between us is the first and last thing I think about every day? Because it
>is. I can’t get it off my mind. And I guess I get the impression that you
>never think about it, and that hurts me so much to think that you aren’t
>also thinking about me.

>Well, I hope you will think all of this over. I also hope for a response.
>I did this to try and explain further how I feel, and hopefully get us
>started down A road to reconciliation. Whether that means just being best friends
>again, or being boyfriends again, I don’t know. But anythings better than
>what we have now.

>Again, I’m not trying to upset you. Please just let me know how you feel.
>Regardless of what is going to happen in the long run, I want the two days
>I spend with you to be happy. I want us to work out as much as possible
>before I get there. I want us to shop, and eat, and talk, and have a great
>time.

>I care about you, Chris. I truly truly do.

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