For someone else.
So yesterday at work was the LONGEST day ever. I really didn’t want to be there, because I knew that it was the first friday in forever that I didn’t have anyone to go out with. I just sat in my office on the verge of tears all day long. I was so sad.
Andrew called me right about 10:30, but I couldn’t talk long because I was on my way to a meeting. I really wanted to just sit in my office and talk to him about how things were going, and tell him how much I miss him.
But I couldn’t. I told him to call me back if he had a few minutes, but he never did call.
I left work about 5:30 and just went home and played video games for about an hour and a half. Then after that I came back to PC and just sat around all night long. Hoping that my phone would ring and someone would be there to talk to me.
It never did. Why am I such a loser. I hate my self for being like this. I can’t just go out on a limb and talk to new people, and I suck at meeting new freinds.
Andrew finally called early this morning and we talked all about his last couple days. Sounds like he’s having tons of fun and meeting TONS of new people. I’m happy for him, but at the same time really pissed at him too. I know it’s what he’s supposed to be doing and I can’t be mad at him for meeting new people. So I try not to be.
But then I hear that he’s going to a party where there’s going to be drinking and that just makes me so mad. I know I no longer have any control over him, we’re just friends now. But I want to bitch at him and tell him not to go. I don’t want to see him go do that, I don’t want to see him go and drink. I hate when people drink, and I don’t think that it’s good for you.
But most of all I’m mad at myself for feeling that way, and being mad at him for it. I just want him back here, and I want things to be the way that they were. I want him to be my boyfriend again, and I want to be able to hold him, and have him hold me when I’m down.
I’m scared that he’s going to change so much now that he’s out there, I’m scared that he’s going to drink to much, and that he’s going to change and not be my Drew Bear any more.
I’m so scared of losing him forever.
And now I’m sounding just like Adam. I have to stop this.
Meanwhile, I’m stuck here in Iowa with nothing.
As we were saying goodbye on the phone today, he said “I love you”.
This threw me a bit, becauuse well. I just wasn’t expecting that, and now I’m confused as to what’s going on. I know what our deal is. We’re just friends. But what the hell?
I’m out. Laters.