Author: Cj B

Just got back from an amazing trip with Charles… But my fucking anxiety is on high alert and I’m having a really tough time handling it.

But let’s step back a hot minute… So last weekend Derik, Charles and I all went out to some bar for a drunken movie night. It was a fun time and we all hangout. Apparently at some point during the evening, Derik and Charles added each other on instagram. I had no idea about this. At another point, Derik was telling Charles about my blog. (Which derik has never seen but knows exists). I gave him a nasty look at that point because I def don’t want Charles knowing about this and what I write here.

Anyway, on Sunday Charles was at the wedding and Derik was messaging him on instagram. Due to all the shit that’s gone down between me and Jason regarding guys I’m into, I asked Derik not to message him directly. He seemed fine with it but apparently he wasn’t. On Monday evening, Derik and I went for a walk around Oakland, he was completely ignoring me when I tried talking to him about stuff. So I pushed him and was like “What’s wrong with you” blah blah blah. Well at that point he BLEW UP at me. HE started off by going off on me about how apparently I hound him that he leaves cabinet doors open all the time, then I said something like “Jesus fuck is that what you’re upset about”.. And he started screaming at me now because apparently I cussed at him and he won’t have “white boys” cussing at him. Wtf.

So we went our own way and when I got back to the apartment he was walking out. Wouldn’t even talk to me. The next evening we had a chat and apparently part of the problem was that he was upset that I asked him not to chat with Charles. Ever since then things have been off and he hasn’t been texting, he barely talks to me, etc etc. I was afraid something like this would happen when we moved in together. Honestly I think that there’s a lot more too it. But I cannot talk to him seriously about things because he blows up so easily and refuses to express any sort of emotions.

So yeah… THere’s that and now there’s Charles. He and his BFF had dinner on Wed and apparently his BFF expressed that he is in love with him… I’ve known since the first time I met his BFF that there was something more to it. But Charles refused to admit that anything was up with it. I haven’t got the whole story about it but it makes me anxious about what could happen. Charles says he has no interest in his BFF and I can only accept and trust that right now… but this will come in play later.

Thursday the two of us went up to Mendocino for a quick weekend trip (well not really weekend). We drove up and stopped for some wine and cheese tasting on the way, then went to a couple beaches, watched the sunset. Ate dinner, went back to the hotel and finally for the first (since we started “dating”) had sex. It was great to be connected like that again finally.

Friday morning we got up, went to this skunk river cycling thing which was amazing (but cold). back to the hotel, napped, went out for dinner, back to hotel and just cuddled and watched a movie and went to sleep.

This morning we woke up, showered, came home… I love that whenever we’re in the car he is holding my hands, lying his head on my shoulder, etc etc. It’s perfect and exactly what I want. He’s such a great guy, so sweet, we have similar music tastes, we get along pretty well. There are def things that _I_ do that I can tell will annoy the shit out of him and I hope they are not deal breakers.

But the big problem, I always make these self-sabotaging jokes… And I HAVE to stop with him because he won’t have it. I made one just as we were saying goodbye and I feel like shit now for it. I want to call him and appoligize right away, but I don’t know how or what to say exactly. Plus he’s busy at work. What happened is that I have this picture of him saved in his contacts and he said “I can’t believe you have the picture” and I said “Why not, it’s super cute”. He said something like, “You don’t want people to think you have a retarded friend”.. and I said “Ohh, friend huh, interesting choice of words”… he said “well what do you want me to say” and at that point. I wanted to say, “I WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND”. But I didn’t, I just said, “well, I just don’t want to end up like your BFF”… Ugh that was such the wrong thing to say to him.

The other thing that gives me major anxiety is when I say things like “I’ll miss you” and he’s just silent. Or we were in the car on the ride back and I said: “I really had an amazing trip his weekend.” he said “me too”. then I said, “I look forward to a lot more trips with you”… silence. What does that mean? Does he not want more trips with me… does he not miss me.

I also know he’s clearly still active on grindr. Last week at some point I saw on his phone his grindr app had 4 notifications. Today he was scrolling and I saw grindr and it had 2 notifications. So he’s clearly still chatting with guys on there. It just really makes me go crazy. I’ve deleted the apps, I’m focusing on him. I wish he would do the same. But maybe he is waiting for me to say something. Is he just waiting for us to make it “official”.

This weird middle part of dating is so confusing and so stressful. The early days are stressful enough but now this is even more so. Like I want to be more then just a date/time filler for him. I want to be “official” but it’s way too early for that, I think?

I don’t want to be broken hearted again… I don’t want to be MORE jaded then I already am. I want to end this year and say: “wow. I have a boyfriend”. But I know I can’t control it. I just have to let it ride and see where it goes. I’m hoping for so much more.

As always, HIV comes back to be a concern. Every single time…

Last night we hung out, he came over after school and a hair cut (HE GOT A PERM!) and had dinner then went to this drunken movie night thing in Oakland. The movies were just these shorts that were kinda weird, kinda funny. It was fun. Derik came along and I think he was a bit annoyed that Charles and I were all over each other (like holding hands, not like making out).

We got home around 10:30ish and Charles and I just went to bed. Started to watch a movie but then the topic came up about sex. He started with: “I really like you a lot….” but, there’s always a but. My therapist says we really need to move to AND! AND something positive.

But of course, it was something NEGATIVE about being POSITIVE. He basically said he was scared and unsure about things. He’s not that educated in HIV and what not. So we talked a little bit about it. I tried to tell him what I could about U=U, but you know. I’m not expert. (Also, every time I type U=U it’s REALLY annoying because I have a short cut that coverts U to YOU. LOL). Anyway, we talked, he said he wants to continue things just needs to learn more about it. We went to sleep and cuddled all night long.

I had some really fucked up dreams last night too. I had one where I was walking around like DC or something and I went to some “important person’s house” (that’s what it was labeled on the map) and I took a backpack from their house. I was walking around DC with it and opened it and realized it had BOMBs in it! So I took the bombs and threw them in the trash. Super weird.

Then I had another dream that I went to a tattoo place and asked for tattoo, any tattoo…. They did a birthday cake in the middle of my back. Even more super weird.

I’m here at the house now, just taking care of some stuff before the realtor gets here for an open house today. I honestly don’t know why she is even doing one today because she hasn’t sent out the marketing stuff yet. It just got posted on MLS 1 hr ago. How many people are really going to come see it the first day it’s open?

I’m honestly kind of sad. The work that’s been done to make it ready for market has honestly been those final touches that really makes it FEEL like home. I honestly wish I had done these things earlier and maybe I would have stayed in the place. But… on the other hand, I have to remember that when I lived here, I was so disconnected from everything/everyone.

I’m super excited about things with Charles but I”m trying to keep it low-key and just let things materialize. I honestly want to see him every day, but I know I have to hold back a bit still. It’s not even been a MONTH.

In other news, Suresh is a dick face. Why was I so infatuated with this bitch? I honestly don’t get how you can be on Instagram constantly but not fucking reply to any text messages. Honestly, if he ever does finally reply, do I just ignore him? I’ve moved on at this point.

It’s Friday, I have no plans. Is that ok?

My Anxiety is starting to get to me and it’s really frustrating. I am trying so hard to hold it back but things just creep into my mind. I am always concerned, is he going to end things, will this be the last time I see him. Will he ghost me again.

Things are honestly going great with Charles. I even told my therapist “perfect” for now. He communicates, he wants to see me, we have a good time when we hang out. I am really enjoying our time together. I am really enjoying how sweet and caring he is.

But then, things happen and my anxiety comes back to me. For instance Friday, I know he was busy at work but he barely texted me all day. I know he was AT WORK. But yet, my anxiety freaks out.

Saturday he got off work late and we were going to go to some brewery in Alameda. He texted me and said that it wasn’t worth it now, because he only wanted to go there to show me the sunset. How cute is that? We ended up going to a different brewery and just chilling. He spent the night that night and I really enjoyed it. We still haven’t had sex though. He had to work Sunday morning so we got up at 6am and I made him coffee and he left. He forgot his watch here so I said I would bring it to him at work. He said “no, don’t worry about it, it’s out of your way”; I said “it’s only 10 extra minutes on my way to vallejo, I’ll be there in 20” and he replied “Ok, but only because I want to see you”.

I love that, he says he wants to see me after just spending the whole night together? He said he wants to show me things so that I can see the sunset. Although honestly, I feel like I am not giving him back everything he is giving me and that also concerns me. Am I not being sweet enough? Am I not giving him enough stuff.

He was drunk Saturday night and he was telling me about this guy who’s obsessed with him. He shows up at his work with food for him. He calls him to talk. Etc etc. Honestly, it sort of reminded me of me and Suresh and I wanted to text him and apologize. But the thing is, is this what CHARLES wants? What if he wants someone to bring him dinner at work but I am not doing that for him?

On Thursday Charles and I watched some Filipino comedian, it was pretty hilarious and he mentioned he was going to go see the guy Sunday night in Sacramento. I said: “Oh, too bad there’s no extra ticket, I would love to go”. On Saturday when we hung out he mentioned: “My brother can’t go now, so I invited Eric”. Honestly that made me jealous AF… I mean I know he needs to spend time with his best friend, I am not ready to meet his family yet, etc etc. But yet, I wish he had invited me instead.

Am I getting too invested? Am I getting too involved already and setting myself up for another really tough heart break? Or are things finally starting to look up for me and this might actually lead somewhere? I don’t know and I really don’t want to get too excited about things. But at the same time. I want to make sure I am showing him that I am interested in him and want things to move forward.

Dear Chris,

I love you. You’re an awesome person with so many talents and knowledge of so many things. You’ve worked hard over all these years to achieve what you wanted in life and you have so much to show for it.

You put everything you can into situations and try to always see the bright side of things when they don’t always go according to plan. You are adventurous, smart, and cute AF.

You’re sweet and caring to everyone who comes into your life and you are willing to go the extra mile for people to show them that you care.

You deserve so much in life and deserve someone who respects you and gives back everything that you give to them.

Love, Chris

My therapist says I should write a love letter to myself.. I’ve started on it a few times but can never seem to get anywhere. I just don’t know what to write.

Charles and I hung out yesterday, we did a quick hike. He’s such a cute, sweet guy but I just get friends vibes from him which is a bit disappointing. He is also doing the same shit Suresh did where he just doesn’t reply to text messages, etc. I want to ask him but it doesn’t really matter does it? I see that he’s active on Instagram but he ignored my message there. He ignores my texts… I see his phone he has thousands of unread messages… So I’m just lost in the mess I guess.

I know that to have a relationship, I have to focus on being friends with that person first… But I just can’t do that for some reason. I go out a few times, I get attached (lust?) and I just want to be “BF’s”. I just can’t seem to get that transition down from going to being nothing to begin friends to being boy friends. I also can’t just seem to be “just friends” with these people. The only people who seem to see the real me and want to be with me are people who are already fucking married.

I’ve realized that was a huge downfall between me and Darin actually. I was mean to him, pushed him away because my feelings for him were getting too strong. I want to text him and apologize but every time I write something it comes out too self centered. I feel like I should just write him and say “I’m sorry for what happened”. But I always feel it needs more context and explanation. Is “I’m sorry” enough?

We had our first dinner party the other night. Derik, Mark and Mark. I felt it was super awkward. Like is this really what we are doing in life? Is this what is fun for people? I dunno. We sat on the roof and chatted and drank, then came down and had dinner and just sat around the dinner table talking. There was lots of awkward silence and stuff and I guess the one Mark (who my friend Mark brought) was just not into it? They did convince me to buy tickets to this circuit party this weekend but I just don’t know if I want to go or not. It’s not really my thing but I do want to experience it.

Do I love myself? I’m not even sure. What is and what is not fun for me? I am not even sure I know that right now. I watch these videos of people online who moved to Mexico during the pandemic. They talked yesterday in the video about how they have spent the last 15 years traveling to the same spot over and over again because they loved it so much. Now they live there… Is there somewhere like that for me? What do I love so much that I want to do it over and over again? Honestly, nothing. I don’t even love camping that much, I don’t love hiking that much… What DO I love so much that I WANT to do it over and over? Am I even really any good at anything? Sure I can get a lot of stuff done but I’m not GOOD at stuff. I’m not an expert at anything really. I’m just mediocre in life, failure in dating, and not even sure I am a fun person.

I want to message people like Humberto who said they rejected me because I “achieved too much” and they can’t stand up next to me and be like, “LOOK, I’m just a failure, I am just here being boring”. I’m not too much for you. You can be my partner and I’ll be super happy.

All I want in life is someone to be there for me, someone to cook with, someone to be happy with sitting on the couch watching movies, someone to go out hiking with and camping, someone to go sailing. I just want that person I can count on who I can plan trips with.