Chris' Site

Why can’t I move on from people who clearly don’t care that much about me? Or maybe I am just expecting too much from people?

After Suresh and I spoke on the phone, I texted him that I had some big news too… I said “we can talk about it after he gets more settled”. He replied that he would be free Sunday to talk. I told him to give me a call any time. Sunday he texts me about 9pm his time: “I took the longest nap ever, but no work tomorrow”. I replied “lol. you’re going to be awake all night now, talk tomorrow”. No reply from him since. So everything is just on his time, his schedule, what he wants to do. But here I am, sitting at home alone, tears in my eyes because he hasn’t reached out. If someone told me, “BTW, I have some big news” I would want to call them RIGHT THEN AND THERE to find out what it was.

Same shit with Jason. Since he left from the trip here, I haven’t heard from him at all. I reached out a few times, asking if we were going to talk. He said yes, but I feel that the ball is in his court. If he doesn’t want to talk, then fine. Whatever.

I just don’t understand. Do I come on too strong? How do I hold back. But at the same time, I’ve MISSED OUT on guys that I was super into because I didn’t move fast enough apparently. (Jenyu, Rannie)

This Dom guy that I went on a date with last week, I really want to see him again. I want to get to know him better. But at the same time, I don’t want to come on too quickly and too much and scare him off. I try to text him and sometimes he seems into chatting, other times not so much. At the end of our first date, he said he wanted a second date… But he won’t COMMIT to a second date.

I’m also still upset about the whole Charles thing, I REALLY want to know what I did wrong with him.

I went on a date with this guy yesterday and he seemed fine when we were chatting but then once we met in person he was SO ANNOYING. He kept asking me like how many guys I had sex with, he kept asking me if I found guys walking around hot or not and then he would make some negative remark when I said yes. We cuddled at home and he wouldn’t sit still… That really made me miss Suresh, he was the PERFECT cuddle buddy. He just laid there, cuddled, talked at the right times.

Saturday I did this nice 45 mile bike ride with this gay group in SF. It was a nice ride but everyone was a bit older.

I am going to try and start signing up for some volunteer work and doing more of these group rides/hikes/etc. I met this guy on grindr literally a few blocks away who is into biking too (in vallejo). It kinda sucks that AS I AM LEAVING I am meeting guys.

I’m still super stressed about what to do with the house itself. I have posted it online and getting a lot of attraction but nothing firm yet.

So, Suresh FINALLY texted me on Thursday. Saying he needed help. I told him to call me later. He called, he got a DUI the day before he left for Iowa. Wanted advice. We talked for 2 hours. The rest of that day, he texted me a lot, but now he’s back to the same shitty texting.

Things have been drastic the past two weeks. I leased an apartment in Downtown Oakland. Should be fun. Moving in 9/1. It’s beautiful.

Need to figure out WTF to do with my house in Vallejo, sell or rent. Not sure yet.

I went on a date with this guy. He showed up and we were wearing MATCHING outfits. Like identical. He’s kinda exactly what I want (based on first date) but he’s a horrible kisser.

I guess my letter and our talk, our time, our months, our intimacy meant NOTHING to him.

Not a peep out of him since Thursday. Do I bother reaching out? Or just let it be. I’m sure he’s been busy saying goodbye to people, packing, the baby. But seriously. NOT ONE WORD.

Fuck that.

Have you even thought about me at all? I haven’t been sleeping, I wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, I lay there thinking about you, wondering what I did wrong. Where I could have made things better. But fuck that, I gave you my all. I gave you everything. If you can’t see what you’re missing out. Then good riddance.

I hate this feeling but I will be stronger, I will grow. I will.

Suresh,

The last six months have been great getting to know you. I’ve enjoyed our times and adventures together. I know you see me as just a friend, but I care about you way more than that. I don’t want to lose you again like we did for that month. You’re one of the sweetest and most genuine people I’ve met in a long time and that’s the type of person I want a lasting connection with. Even if it’s just as friends.

I want us to grow closer as friends over the next 9 months while you’re gone and I hope we can see each other from time to time. I know it’s going to very difficult for me and I apologize if I’ve hurt you. Please just be open and honest with me, that’s all I ask.

I want you to talk to me about your life, don’t hide things. Tell me about your good and bad dates, tell me about your days at work and what adventures you’re going on. I know you’re on grindr and going to be meetings guys in Iowa. I’ve been trying to show you lately that I want to hear about those things by opening the door and telling you about my dates, and probably in bad taste joking about grindr hookups. It’s going to be very difficult for me at first, but in the long run it will make us stronger as friends. I want to be closer to you emotionally, even if we are ever just friends.

I value you as a friend, way more then a friend, and someone I care deeply about, but I feel like you just want my attention and don’t want to give anything back. For example. If you can be on grindr chatting with random guys, you can reply to a friend who’s trying to talk to you and have a connection with you. I hope you can see that and value me back as well.

Call me or text me anytime. If you want to do a trip together or for me to visit you in Iowa, just ask me. I’m looking forward to us becoming closer as friends.

With Love,

Chris

Last night was the last night I’ll see Suresh, maybe ever. We will see.

He came over in the afternoon and we headed into the city. I had booked a surprise for him which was the Van Gogh experience in SF. We got there, parked, walked over and then just enjoyed the show. We sat on the floor and I just wanted to cuddle him while we sat there. After the show was over we walked around Hays valley a bit and did some shopping together and then found a sushi place to eat. Throughout all of dinner we talked about what is the meaning of life. It was a great discussion and fun to have. I wish we could have more of them.

From there we headed over to his old work place. It is an amazing space and it was so cute to see all his old co-workers hugging him. Everyone loves him so much. We sat down and had drinks. We talked about love, his parents, friends, his ex-guy. We sat there in silence and I just looked at him.

Finally I took his hand and just held it.

We started talking more about us and in my mind I just said fuck it. I told him exactly how I felt. I care about him so much. I want more than just friends with him. He said that had I expressed that earlier on, maybe something would have happened. Too little, too late.

We left there and drove home. I held his hand the whole way, we talked more. I told him everything, no holding back. I told him that I have had feelings for him since the early days but didn’t want to overstep our bounds as hookups. Got back to my place and I invited him in. We watched two more episodes of The Magicians, cuddled close. During one of the episodes, I kissed him. He kissed me back. This time, it didn’t feel reluctant. It felt natural and safe.

At the end, we kissed some more, I held him close. I told him I would miss him so much. We got up, got dressed and he left. I gave him a letter, a gift and a kiss.

I hope he stays in touch. I hope we can be friends if not more. But I am not going to hold my breathe. He’s clearly a very well loved person, he is going to have guys chasing him no matter what he does in life. I wish I could see him again before he leaves but I know I won’t.

I am happy with the way things ended. I am glad we had our last night together. I want him to stay to be here, to say he cares about me. But I know he won’t. I am content with that.

Hasta Luego Suresh. I hope to see you again soon.