Chris' Site

It’s funny. 18 years ago today I posted an entry titled “How was your day“. And here it is, one of the biggest reasons Charles and I broke up. Maybe the problem IS me, maybe I do expect too much.

Looking back on that post, It seems that I used to expect it out of everyone, friends, etc. I don’t expect it out of most people nay more. But I do still expect it out of my “partner”.

Anyway, today I’m kinda missing him. I miss his smile, I miss holding him at night. I miss going to the gym together. I miss his sexy butt. I miss making him coffee. I miss making him dinner. I miss holding his hand. I miss going grocery shopping together. I miss the way he says “Christopher”. I miss cuddling on the couch and watching TV. I miss him coming home from work and being so happy to see astra. I miss a lot about him.

But I have to keep telling myself. I deserve better. There was still so much that was MISSING from our relationship. I have to remember those things too. I have to remember that he didn’t provide me with a lot of what I needed.

Had dinner with Thomas last night. That was fun to see him again and chat as friends. We haven’t hung out in long time. We talked about going to the bars together and dressing up in rubber or something. That’ll be fun to do sometime. The last time we did that was march 2020. Seriously the day before they announced all the shut downs.

I left my freezer open last night, everything thawed out and I had to toss it all.

One thing I’ve noticed since I moved out is that I’m much more social with people. I don’t know if it’s just cause I don’t want to be home or what. But I missed this social aspect of everything. I missed planning things weeks/months in advanced. I basically have every weekend between now and Christmas full of stuff. Charles told me once he liked that I planned everything for him. I loved planning shit for him. But then after I planned a few things, asked him to take them off and he failed. I gave up planing. We missed a lot of stuff because I didn’t want to plan and have those plans ruined cause he couldn’t (can’t remember/doesn’t care to) take time off. So I just stopped. But now, I can plan, I can do what I want, I can commit to doing those things with people.

I can go to the gym when I want. I can eat when and what I want (yay bell peppers and tomatoes again!). I can go to bed when I want and sleep all night cause he doesn’t come home at 11:30 and wake me up. I can get up in the morning and lie in bed and just get my day going without having to worry about waking him up. I can watch what I want and not have him sitting at the counter trying to be louder than me.

My colonoscopy is coming up soon. Charles is driving me. I have to start changing my diet as of today. No more fruits/veggies/fiber. Will be interesting to see how the drive goes.

So, this folsom was terrible. I don’t really have the emotional ability right now to review all of it. But here’s the highlights:
1) Don died from an OD
2) Charles and I are no longer talking at all
3) Jason and I are no longer talking at all
4) Deb is in the hospital again

Yeah. That’s about all I can manage to write right now.

Today is kinda a downer day, I am so unmotivated to do anything at all.

Last night I met this guy for dinner who’s interested in playing tennis. He was super gay, but it would be nice to have someone my level to play with. Since Charles always said I wasn’t good enough for him.

Tonight I am meeting up with this guy Peter. He is driving down from Sacramento to have a date. He looks cute in his pics, but I think he’s going to be a bit overweight.

Like I said, I just keep waiting for Charles to text me. “I miss you”; “Let’s hang out”; “I want you back”. But it’ll probably not happen this time. It’s already happened twice before, the chances of a third time are slim.

But I read these people’s posts on reddit. “my boyfriend of 11 years has been cheating on me”; “My husband gave me HIV”; “blah blah blah my boyfriend sucks” but they all want to work it out.

Charles and I were great, as much as I complained on here, he was a good boyfriend. He just needed to appreciate me more, he just needed to SHOW me that he loved me, communicate with me. These are small things in the grand scheme of shit. Why couldn’t WE have worked it out. Why couldn’t HE see what he is losing or missing in my and WANT to work it out.

I am a great boyfriend, I am loving, I am kind, I am exciting. I love to love. Why can’t he see that and just give it back to me. Why can’t he just say “I’m losing so much, let’s work to make this work”.

So, corgi-con was fun… Charles showed up at 10 and we left to drive there. The drive was fine and we just kinda chatted. But only once did he ask anything about what I had been up too. I did a sailing trip Friday and he asked “So who was on the boat.” I think in a kinda jealous way, tbh. But never did he ask me, how’s work, how’s the new place, nothing. I just don’t get how he can say he was so in love with me but be so unable to ask or care about my life.

Corgi-Con was fun, Marky and don showed up hella late and we didn’t stay much longer. Then Jay, Charles and I drove over to Oakland to get pizza then over to Dolores Park to hang out. We hung out there, Charles was chatty with everyone, kinda just ignoring me mostly.

I saw him open instagram at one point and of course the open chat was with Alex… Ugh, so they are chatting again or whatever. He said he was “just checking in on how he was doing since he knew we broke up”. Lies I’m sure. I bet you they will hang out in LA or Alex will come up here, they will fuck around for a bit. Maybe even date.

Charles hasn’t done anything yet to work on himself it seems. He hasn’t been back to therapy, he hasn’t read any more of the book. I did see that I am still “pinned” in his chats and he still has me pinned on instagram. But who knows what he’s thinking there. Calvin thinks it’s just emotional manipulation.

WE drove back from Dolores park and he slept the whole way. Got back to my place and he sort of just hung out awkwardly for a min and then left. Gave me an uncomfortably long hug.

It just sucks. I’m an amazing guy. Why aren’t people wanting to be with me.. We’re back to this point in my life with WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Why don’t people WANT ME.

Charles is flaunting over this guy Alex. Why didn’t/isn’t he flaunting over me.

He still has access to my door lock. I asked him if he was going to remove it from his account and he said “no, I’m going to come over whenever I want”. And I just keep hoping that one day he will come over after work and just want to sit and talk and cuddle and fix things. I keep hoping he will just text me randomly and say “I miss you so much”. I just want to know and feel that love. I just want to be LOVED by someone.

But then I also know, HE IS NOT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR ME. He’s been a terrible boyfriend. Why do I love/want him so much? Is it still just lusting over him? I see his personality with other people. And that’s what I want, I want that personality he has With them WITH ME. Because he can be great, he can be sweet, he can be kind. He can DO ALL THIS SHIT. That he just didn’t give to me. That he just took me for granted that I’d be there.

I am amazing. I am kind. I am fun. I deserve so much. I deserve to be loved. 🥰

So I’ve just spent the last week trying to stay super busy.
Monday Charles and I met up to return the house keys to the apartment. It was awk but not as sad as I thought it would be. I thought there’d be a lot of crying but I think that we both had just cried enough the past month that it was over.

I hit the gym every day this week which was good. I am going to try and go again this morning before Corgi-Con.

Wed I went on a date with this guy Bruce. He was cute and super nice but he was telling me all about his divorce and his ex-husband the entire time. Basically the exact same patterns as Charles and myself. Even down to the laundry fight. It was really weird but really made me realize that no matter what I had done, nothing would have made charles and I work unless he realized what was also wrong and was willing to work on it. I think that now he’s truly working on it (I hope). But even though I love him a lot still, I am realizing he is just not the right guy for me. I still think about him constantly, wonder where he’s at, what he’s doing. But I’m making progress.

Also, bruce hasn’t replied to any messages since wed. So I’m assuming he wasn’t interested.

Thursday I went to powerhouse with this guy Hugo. It was pretty dead but there were some HOT guys in underwear. I had worn just a jock strap, but I felt awk taking my pants off and wearing just that.

Friday I went sailing and had a really nice day and then went over to jay and James house for dinner. It was good to see them and not talk about all the drama, Charles, etc. Just be friends and hang out. I really enjoy them and time with them but I do feel sometimes that I”m a bit boring. I dunno. Maybe it’s just all in my head

Last night I had some really fucked up dreams about Charles. At one point we were both staying in some weird asian woman’s house. For some reason I was hiding in a box/freezer or something. Charles found me, covered his dick in ketchup and then put it in the box for me to suck. So weird. Another dream I had was that I had bought him a pastry of some sort, but I ended up eating it before I got to him. He’s just constantly on my mind but I need to get over it.