18 years and nothing has changed

It’s funny. 18 years ago today I posted an entry titled “How was your day“. And here it is, one of the biggest reasons Charles and I broke up. Maybe the problem IS me, maybe I do expect too much.

Looking back on that post, It seems that I used to expect it out of everyone, friends, etc. I don’t expect it out of most people nay more. But I do still expect it out of my “partner”.

Anyway, today I’m kinda missing him. I miss his smile, I miss holding him at night. I miss going to the gym together. I miss his sexy butt. I miss making him coffee. I miss making him dinner. I miss holding his hand. I miss going grocery shopping together. I miss the way he says “Christopher”. I miss cuddling on the couch and watching TV. I miss him coming home from work and being so happy to see astra. I miss a lot about him.

But I have to keep telling myself. I deserve better. There was still so much that was MISSING from our relationship. I have to remember those things too. I have to remember that he didn’t provide me with a lot of what I needed.

Had dinner with Thomas last night. That was fun to see him again and chat as friends. We haven’t hung out in long time. We talked about going to the bars together and dressing up in rubber or something. That’ll be fun to do sometime. The last time we did that was march 2020. Seriously the day before they announced all the shut downs.

I left my freezer open last night, everything thawed out and I had to toss it all.

One thing I’ve noticed since I moved out is that I’m much more social with people. I don’t know if it’s just cause I don’t want to be home or what. But I missed this social aspect of everything. I missed planning things weeks/months in advanced. I basically have every weekend between now and Christmas full of stuff. Charles told me once he liked that I planned everything for him. I loved planning shit for him. But then after I planned a few things, asked him to take them off and he failed. I gave up planing. We missed a lot of stuff because I didn’t want to plan and have those plans ruined cause he couldn’t (can’t remember/doesn’t care to) take time off. So I just stopped. But now, I can plan, I can do what I want, I can commit to doing those things with people.

I can go to the gym when I want. I can eat when and what I want (yay bell peppers and tomatoes again!). I can go to bed when I want and sleep all night cause he doesn’t come home at 11:30 and wake me up. I can get up in the morning and lie in bed and just get my day going without having to worry about waking him up. I can watch what I want and not have him sitting at the counter trying to be louder than me.

My colonoscopy is coming up soon. Charles is driving me. I have to start changing my diet as of today. No more fruits/veggies/fiber. Will be interesting to see how the drive goes.

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