Chris' Site

Dearest Charles,

I loved you with everything I had. I gave you every ounce of love, every thing you asked for. I tried to make you as happy as I could.

When we first started dating you were kind, caring, texted me all the time, called me randomly just to talk. You were open and beautiful. But then you changed. You became cold, uncaring, unchanging, rude to a point.

Now I hear stories about your best friend telling random dates about how “toxic” I was.

You were the one who couldn’t communicate. You were the one who couldn’t be open. You were the one who couldn’t respect me, say I’m sorry, forgive and move on. You held everything against me.

YOU forgot my birthday, but yet you blamed me first for “not reminding you” (I DID!) and then for not planning anything and you said “well it didn’t seem that important to you”

YOU are the one who couldn’t understand how coming home at 11:30 at night and turning all the lights on could bother your partner.

YOU are the one who couldn’t understand that setting off alarms for over an hour at 5am could be annoying to your partner.

YOU are the one who never put in effort to plan anything or even commit to what I had planned

YOU are the one who forgot events time after time.

YOU are the one who prioritized your ex-bf/best friend over your partner. You never stood up to him and said “this is the man I love and am in a relationship with you need to be respectful and nice to him”

YOU are the one who couldn’t see that I wanted to encourage you to play tennis, not “hold you back” as you claim. I just wanted to be INVITED.

YOU are the one who got on GRINDR right in front of me and instead of saying “I’m sorry, I should have been more respectful” you just basically said “get over it”

YOU are the one who told me “oh, I’m not a very good texter” but then you sit there and text people constantly.

YOU are the one who said “Oh, I can’t contribute much to this trip” but then went off and spent THOUSANDS on yourself for a sleeve tattoo.

You’re selfish Charles, you’re rude, you don’t give a flying fuck about anything about me. You said you loved me but you didn’t SHOW it to me.

I tried, I tried to give you what you wanted. I tried to show you that I cared. I tried to encourage you to do better things.

I don’t get your motivations. You said to me the other day. “I hope we can be close forever” but then when we hung out the very next day you treated me like shit. You sat there texting other people all day, you got on grindr right in front of me, you didn’t offer me a ride home. You ignored my texts after.

But yet you went out of your way to COME hang out? Why? Why did you come hang out? Why did you keep pointing out things we had done together. Why?

What is it that you WANT. You act like you’re upset that I’m dating, but you’re the one who broke up with me, you’re the one who ended things. What is it that you care about me dating?

I want that Charles I had when we first started dating. But this Charles, this is a fucking asshole. You’re a terrible person the way you are right now to me.

I don’t fucking get it. I gave you everything. I loved you hard, I did what I could for you. Yes, I failed too. I failed by not telling you my needs better. I failed you by getting up set when you shut down. I failed by maybe doing too much for you. I failed…

In the end, I deserve so much better. I’ve already written multiple times about what I deserve, and it’s way more than what you gave me.

He’s perfectly CAPABLE of being a kind, caring, responsive human being. BUT YET he chooses to treat me like total SHIT

Last night, he could have offered me a ride home. If it were Eric or serge. He would have. But when I question him he says “You should have asked”.

He always told me, he’s bad at texting, but yet he sits there when we hang out, texting serge and Eric and who ever else constantly.

I tried to plan us nice trips, get aways. He always said “I can’t commit due to work”. But then he’s trying to plan shit with Jay and James. I even suggested last year we just go spend ONE DAY. I wanted to spend ONE DAY in the snow. Get a cute cabin, go snowmobiling, etc. And he said “No, I don’t like the snow”. but now he’s trying to do the exact same thing with them.

He just ignores my text and doesn’t even bother to reply.

When we were together, I would suggest we go to random concerts just to enjoy the experience. But he would say “No, I don’t know them” or “I don’t like them that much”. But now he’s single and he’s going to random concerts he doesn’t know.

He’s just a fucking asshole.

I DESERVE BETTER. TREAT ME LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN BEING.

I should just block him. He doesn’t even deserve me in his life. I’m too good for him.

Hella crushing on this boy.

Met him like three weeks ago. We’ve hung out almost every day since then. He video calls me to chat, he comes over and hangs out. We go to the gym. We’ve been to the bars together, we went shopping together. Basically just hanging out.

He communicates, he’s sweet, he’s funny, he’s got good family connections, he’s got a good job, he’s cute AF. He’s kinda dom in bed.

He’s only here visiting for 4 weeks. He leaves on Monday. I’m going to miss him like crazy.

The more I hang with him, the more I like him. He’s a fucking CATCH. Jhunrie agrees.

BUT There’s some major issues.
1) He lives in Ireland
2) He’s JUST coming out at 30 years old
3) He’s JUST coming out!!

He first came over to just hookup. I thought he would just be some random bottom and kick him to the curb after. The next day he texted me “Make me a coffee?” And I said sure, and since then we’ve just been chilling having fun together.

He randomly called me this morning and said “let’s go get coffee”. So we hung and just had coffee together.

Why is it, it’s always the ones you can’t have.

Why can’t I find a boy like him here..

We laid off a bunch of people yesterday. Sadly, I wasn’t on the list.

I found out about the layoffs about a month ago. I got the list about 2 weeks ago. There were a few names on there that are going to be devastated. I felt so bad for them. I honestly haven’t even wanted to do jack shit for work lately.

I was really wanting to be on the list. I wanted to be laid off. Give me that kick in the ass to go do something else, find something new.

I wonder how the people took the news and I really hope they gave REALLY good severance. There are other people that SHOULD have been on the list that aren’t. People who don’t really work and are just full of hot air.

My friend Jonathan says I need to just jump ship. I need to quit and just do my own thing. I have enough cash to survive. I have enough resources to be fine. But I am just scared/nervous.

He says, it’s easier than finding a bf. Just do it.

Maybe.

I’m sitting here, tears streaming down my face. Thinking about him. 2 years ago today was when we agreed to give it another try. Two years ago he said “Im just so excited I have you back and I don’t ever want to let you go again!!”.

And he let me go. He couldn’t open up. He said the other night he wanted me to get to know him to unravel him to open him up. But he resisted that. He resisted letting me in. He didn’t LET me get to know him.

Why am I the one hurting so much. Why am I the one who’s put all this effort in and he just moves on so easily.

Am I just fixing it just to break it?
Am I just hanging on, just so we can drown?
Like the love we thought we found, no
We’re hoping that we don’t just hit the ground
I’ve been pulling you close, but pushing me further
I’ve been holding it back, that I see you different
Sick of me remindin’ you to love me like you say you do
And I’ve been hurting myself to keep you from leaving
I’ve been wonderin’ whether we’ll last the season
Wish we could’ve made this work
But now I know that I need more
I need more
I need more
I need more
Afraid that I’ll lose you in the crowd
I wish that I was a priority
Then you walked out on me with a straight look on your face
And said you’ve had enough